Dalpner Suffington's Sudden Demise
In eighteen ninety-four, a riverboat gambler and amateur chemist by the name of Dalpner Suffington invented the concept of multi-level marketing. The story of his subsequent rise and fall is short and brutally savage. (Brutally savage, because it ends with him being stabbed to death by a furious farmer and thrown into a ravine where his body is devoured by gophers.)
It all started one beautiful June morning in 1894. Dalpner Suffington was trying to concoct a hangover remedy and happened to stumble upon a liquid formula that repelled voles but attracted gophers. Just a few drops of this strange solution was enough to drive away every vole, and simultaneously attract every gopher, for miles around--even the albino gophers that nobody ever sees. (Which scared the hell out of the local Indians for reasons that to this day aren't fully understood--something to do with an ancient legend and prophesy.)
For months Dalpner tried unsuccessfully to make money with his serendipitous discovery, but for some reason no one was the slightest bit interested in paying even a cent for a formula that almost one for one replaced voles with gophers.
Depressed, Dalpner dumped most of his formula into a cornfield. When the farmer and his sons ran out to figure out why their crop was violently twitching, Dalpner snuck inside and had carnal relations with the farmer's wife. The farmer returned, caught them in the act, stabbed Dalpner to death and threw his body into a ravine; where it was devoured by gophers.
And so fell the curtain on Dalpner Suffington--truly a man ahead of his time. It would be years and years before door-to-door Amway salesmen realized they could usually take sexual advantage of the capitalistic flush and intoxicating surge of financial independence their afternoon visits tended to elicit from lonely farmer's wives.
And Dalpner Suffington has never received his due credit--until now.
I am Latigo Flint--good night.