Friday, May 12, 2006

Angry Orcas

It's hard not to die when an angry orca bites you.

People have tried various survival techniques over the years without much success. A while ago a guy was bitten by an angry orca and he decided to try willing himself not to die.
"Yes." He admitted. "I've just been bitten in two by an angry orca. But that doesn't necessarily mean I have to die. In fact I think I won't."

This worked for about three seconds. Then his halves separated and slowly raced each other down. Eels ate most of his spleen before it reached the bottom.

Experts agree staying away from orcas is definitely the best way to avoid being killed by orcas.

One time, this one expert failed to follow his own advice and found himself being chomped upon by an angry orca. He knew enough to know that his situation was dire. He thought maybe if he could swim to kelp, he could use it to stitch himself together. But he had trouble swimming without any legs, and didn't struggle all that much when the eels closed in.

Some people claim there's never been a documented case of a wild orca killing a human, but there's a haunted glaze across their eyes, and if you invite them to go swimming they mumble something about forgetting their suit and then run away when your back is turned.

Sometimes sailors fall overboard as they're sailing through Puget Sound. They're never happy about it, and not just because of the cold. Their friends turn the ship around and shout encouragement from the bow. They try to swim back as fast as they can, but more times than not the orcas catch them.

It's hard not to die when an angry orca bites you. I know one of the reasons I'm alive today is 'cause I've never been bitten by one.

15 Comments:

At 5:09 AM, Anonymous Bobthegoat said...

Experts agree staying away from orcas is definitely the best way to avoid being killed by orcas.

I've heard this line too, and while it's true in the most technical sense, it doesn't always work in reality.

An anti-orca group recently came to give a presentation at the school where I work. They made all the kids promise to stay away from orcas, and even gave them little silver orca rings, to remind them of their pledge.

And while the number of students who have been bitten by angry orcas is down, there's been a huge increase in the number of incidents involving belugas, Pacific octopi, and oddly, badgers.

We need to educate our children about orcas, not just tell them to stay away.

 
At 6:06 AM, Anonymous Paranoid Princess said...

I figure the reason there's no documented cases of orca attack is because the orcas leave no witnesses, or only attack solitary suicidally-extreme kelp divers. I don't trust orcas anyway, never trust an animal that smiles all the time! Shifty bastards!

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger Francis Marion Tarwater said...

The fact that you know these things even though orcas do indeed leave no witnesses, coupled with the facts that I've never seen your picture and the address you gave me for those magazines was "I live in the ocean!" gives me pause, Latigo Flint. Who's really behind that keyboard? Don't be less than honest with us.

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger Ari said...

Maybe the orcas are just soldiers/scapegoats for eel capos, down in the underworld under the sea.
The other solution would be just not to anger orcas by doing such things as taking the last beer from their fridge. I bet Orcas, Sam Elliot, and Latigo Flint resemble one another in that fashion.

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

Since I'm only a stone's throw from the puget sound I feel it's my duty to inform you that most Orca-related deaths are due to the shock and subsequent drowning that occurs when seeing an enraged orca approaching. Only roughly 10% die from being bitten in half.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I wanted to pet an orca. Now I never will. You may have just saved my life, Latigo.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, the reason I am alive is that I've never been bitten in half by a grizzly. Or a snow goose.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

I find your irrational fear of the king of the sea unmanly Latigo. Suppose we were the only two survivors of a shipwreck on our honey moon cruise. Suppose we made a makeshift raft. Suppose our raft became encircled by angry Orca's. Could I rely on you to get us through? Plainly not. I would have to negotiate a deal with the Orcas myself while you gibbered in a defecating panic gripping to the makeshift mask screaming like a baby! What a wake up call for a naive newly wedded bride. Orcas can be dangerous, but let them know who is boss and they respect you.

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

And here I thought you once kept an orca in your bathtub. But it wasn't an orca, was it. I am mistaken.

All orcas are angry. Not unlike lawyers.

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

I've never met an angry orca. And now I pray that I never do.

This is the kind of stuff that bolsters my argument for staying indoors developing a meaningful relationship with my whiskey. Whiskey won't bite me in half. It'll just eat my liver.

 
At 7:37 AM, Anonymous I dont know what I did last summer said...

Look, I don't know what's your problem with Orcas but I've met a few and I assure you they're not always like that. I'm actually married to one and never had any problahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my leg you bitch!What the hell are you doing ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuulyshit ishouldatakenhisadvice......

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

I don't know, Mr. Latigo. I kinda think they're cute.

 
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if it is a bite from a friendly orca? like when a dog play bites?

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Thanks for the tip on killer whales. I always thought they were trouble.

That one at Sea World was eye-balling me when he jumped out of his pool and slid onto the platform.

I almost had to jack his shit with a Rambo knife.

 
At 1:16 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

You are wonderful Bobthegoat, and that comment proves it.

Hello Paranoid Princess. I figure your figuring is pretty much spot-on. You're right not to trust orcas, and not only because they smile all the time, but also because they'll bite you in half every single chance they get.

Solace Layfield... you have a magnificent name, anyone ever tell you that?
Ahh, that certainly explains why I've yet to receive my copies--they're floating in brine somewhere.
(Gunslingers don't believe anything until they see it with their own eyes.)

Howdy Ari. Sam Elliot and Latigo Flint are frequently mistaken for the other. Sometimes with hilarious results. And sometimes with tragic.

Hmm, yes, I suppose that could be true Trevor Record. Either way you end up dead though, and in halves eventually.

And if that isn't worth a quick nocturnal tussle Cindy-Lou, I don't know what is.

Don't forget ocelots Old Hoss. Little devils them.

I'm not going to lie Helga Von Porno--should the happiest time of our lives turn savage and deposit us into orca-infested waters, I'd more than likely become the sissy you describe. But you'd still be trembling from the night before, and probably never even notice. And then orcas would bite us in half and it'd all be moot anyway.

Yes, you are mistaken sweet Sharon--it was a tiger shark... named Fesbach if I recall correctly.

But it eats it ever so gently Amandarama and numbs regrets as it does.

Hello I Know What I Did Last Summer. I'm sorry you bled.

Famous last words Noir Muse.

How many fifty-foot dogs do you know Anonymous?

You thought right LBB--they are trouble. Always go with your instincts when it comes to jacking shit with Rambo knifes.

 

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