Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Quickest Way Down

The nice thing about falling is that no one cares if you swear. It's like a free pass to be impolite. Well, except for racial slurs, those are still off-limits--unless of course you die on impact--then everyone scuffles their feet, looks away and pretends they heard something different.

One time Latigo Flint fell off the seventh-floor balcony of a fancy hotel into the lobby atrium. Latigo Flint wasn't sure if he was going to survive the fall so he kept quiet the whole way down--even though it'd been a Swede who bumped into him at the top.

Turns out that was the right decision. My fall was cushioned by several ficus trees and one exceptional fern. Guests and staff who would have been deeply offended by a plummeting epithet, hastened to my side, and the Swede couldn't have been more apologetic. He bought me a new suit and took me out to dinner. Then I slept with his younger sister and told him all about it the next morning. He didn't like that one bit but had no choice but to listen, what with him nearly killing me the day before.

That's the great thing about Swedish men, they understand they're morally obligated to let men they nearly accidentally kill sleep with their sisters.

Sometimes when I'm near a Swede on a cliff I'll brush up against him and then topple off just to make him think he was at fault... of course the joke's on me if all he has are brothers, but I make do--you'd be surprised how hot Swedish boys can look wearing stockings in the shower.

(Um... someone stole my password, this isn't me tonight.)

9 Comments:

At 12:56 AM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Why won't you return any of my calls Latty? You're showering with Swedes again aren't you?

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Okay as a Swede, I take a offence at this.

And if you ever did that with my younger sister and then told me about it the next morning, I would probly have to beat you with a Titanium Pimpstick (tm). Unless you were buying me some swedish pancakes when you did so, then I might let you live sucker.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Berlinbound said...

LF ... Sounds to me like you need a good long stay in the great outdoors, lots of sheep and cattle and the like ...

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I never knew that custom. I'm thankful for the heads-up.

This reminds me, if you feed a hungry Norwegian, he'll grant you sexual privileges with the maternal grandmother.

Twice a year I bring a sack of Campbell's soup to Norway and clean up!

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I've beaten my own head with a skillet multiple times, but nothing seems to erase the visual of a Swedish boy wearing stockings in the shower. Time for me to try sniffing glue.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Gareth said...

I've just tried to register the domain name www.swedishboysinstockings.com, but it's already gone. To one "L. Flint", it would appear...

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Of course it isn't you. Everybody knows that Swedes don't have sitters. Or whatever your alter ego said.

 
At 11:08 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Shut up Kid. Everyone knows you're nothing but a filthy liar.

Most people don't ever even joke about beating me with a Titanium Pimpstick (tm) TSP. They're much too afraid of dying. But I see now that you're Swedish--actually that explains a lot.

There are several ways to take that Berlinbound. I'm going with the one that doesn't imply bestiality, and thank you very much for your compassion and concern.

Hey you know that one too LBB? Well, damn, there goes the post I had planned for tonight right out the window.

Howdy Dave Morris. I recommend industrial strength epoxy.

I don't know anything about that Gareth. Must be one of those Coincidences we keep hearing so much about.

Thank you for not paying attention to anything imposters might say in my name Old Hoss. You're a true friend.

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Nearly accidentally kill....

It's happened to me so many times. And so poetic.

 

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