Friday, January 13, 2006

Sara and the Falconer

The other day Latigo Flint happened to come up with a great idea for a Sears commercial. Would you like to hear it? All right then.

Fade in on a beautiful young woman running along the edge of a rocky ravine in a thunderstorm. Her tiny, white slip of a dress is soaked through and her black hair flows in ringlets down her slender back. (She has lipstick on.)

She cries out above the roar of storm: "Falconer!!! Falconer!!!"

Cut to:

The Falconer stands, battered by wind and rain, in the center of a small clearing in the middle of a dense pine forest. His arms are flung wide, head thrown back. (He's wearing jeans and nothing else.)

"ARRRRRGHHHH!!!" screams the Falconer to the violent sky.

Cut to:

The young woman is crouched on all fours in the forest. Water streams through the pine needles, streaking mascara to her chin. Her bangs hang down like a slashed black veil, stopping just short of dangerous eyes. She curls her lip and snarls.

"I feel you Falconer."

Cut to:

A falcon circling the clearing.

"Screeeeee!" says the falcon.

Cut to:

The Falconer brings his fingers to his mouth and lets out a piercing whistle. Lightning flashes, and the falcon is perched on his bare shoulder. Its talons dig deep into the Falconer's flesh. Blood trickles down his chest.

"Hello my bird." the Falconer whispers.

Cut to:

A long shot of the clearing: Regular lightning flashes reveal something white and crawling on all fours emerging from the forest behind the Falconer.

Cut to:

Close up on the falcon's dark brown eyes. It blinks and its eyes are suddenly blue.

Cut to:

The young woman standing directly behind the Falconer.

"I found you Falconer." She murmurs in his ear.

The Falconer turns around, extends a cautious hand and gently strokes the woman's hair. She leans forward and kisses him hard on the mouth.

Close up on the falcon: "Shop at Sears." it whispers into the camera and flies away into the storm.

Fade out.


At 1:33 AM, Blogger hategun said...

Goddamn. Halfway through your post, I went to and bought a trash compactor and a Craftsman welding helmet.

That's some powerful advertising. After all ... I already HAVE a Craftsman welding helmet.

Nice work, Latigo.

At 1:36 AM, Blogger amandapants said...

I can't believe I'm still awake on a school night. I think it helps matters, though, because I giggled like a kid hopped up on Hot Cheetos picturing this.

At 3:07 AM, Blogger Anonymous Shannon said...

While it would be a great ad for Sears, what do you thnk about Walmart as a second choice? ;P

At 4:38 AM, Blogger Peter said...

That brown eyes turning blue clinched the whoke thing for me Latigo.

At 6:19 AM, Blogger hen said...

That is mighty powerful there, Latigo. I vow on my dear old Grandmother's knitting needles to never shop anywhere else ever again.

At 6:52 AM, Blogger Sadia said...

Hot dang.

My knickers are soaked.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

Is this the same "Falconer" from SNL?

I hope not.

Other than that this is a splendid idea for a commercial. I imagine it will be during the Superbowl?

At 12:28 PM, Blogger SugarHigh said...

daaaaaaaaamn, now i have to go and buy me some new knickers, i just wet the ones i got on. I think I'll go to Sears!

At 2:11 PM, Anonymous civilbloodshed said...

Oh God, I used to work at Sears, and if that were ever actually made it would play every ten minutes all day in the electronics department. Giant 63" screens playing it over and over, and over again. In Hi-Definition too.

Wow, I can't believe I'm missing out...

At 4:52 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Entirely too generic. The birdie should say:

"Jeans by Sears"


"Blood work approved by Sears"

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

A few weeks ago, I saw a man with a falcon working at a construction site. I did not understand why he had a falcon, but in retrospect I did go to Sears to buy a present for my mom later that day. You have tapped into something very primal, Mr.Flint.

At 7:08 PM, Blogger Berlinbound said...

When I was young I was very large -and only the "big" section of Sears carried my size ... It will take more than a bloody Falconer to get me back in one of those stores ... But it's a damn fine ad you've written there!

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Proud Mum said...

In the interest National De-Lurking Week I have to make my presence known.

You're a funny guy; I lurk frequently, but never know what to add.

lurk lurk lurk

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Rasmus said...

Right after reading this I went to my nearest Sears and bought used all my money on various items I already owned.

This is even more impressive due to the fact we don't HAVE Sears in Denmark.

At 4:28 PM, Blogger Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Damn! That is one helluva commercial! I think I'll stop in and get some shock absorbers, all four tires rotated, and a garage door opener!

At 11:37 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thank you very much Hategun. Madison Avenue hasn't started calling yet, but I'm sure that's only because of the long weekend.

Hello Amandapants. So are you saying it helps to be under some sort of chemical influence to enjoy Latigo Flint?

I couldn't say Anonymous Shannon, there aren't any Walmarts in Los Angeles, and plus I don't think they like falcons.

It happens you know, Peter? And more than they'd have us believe.

Thanks a lot Hen. Say, would you be willing to forcibly storm several Los Angeles ad agencies and repeat that testimonial on my behalf?

That can be taken one of two ways Sadia. (And strangely, I'm equally aroused by either.)

I couldn't tell you Monkeypotpie--I haven't watched SNL for some time now. But I think ultimately the casting decision would come down to the ad agency along with Sears management.

Are you trying to turn Latigo Flint on, Sugarhigh? I just bit my lip so hard my knee screamed.

Tell 'em you know Me Civilbloodshed--I'm sure they'll give you your job back.

Wrong again Old Hoss. What the falcon should actually say is exactly what he said... and vice versa.

Thank you very much Trevor Record. I'd just like to add I couldn't have done it without the help of my good friend and life-partner, booze.

Not to create an uncomfortable silence or anything Berlinbound, but you seem to have outgrown your chubbiness and happen to be really quite sexy now. (Shop at Sears.)

I adore you Proud Mum. I adore you lurking and I adore you not lurking by talking about how you lurk. Here's what you do in the future if you ever want to comment but don't know what to say--just write:
"Sometimes I get the horrible feeling that (then enter a noun that featured prominently in the particular story, falcons or sheds, for instance) are closing in all around me. I'm usually wrong, but occasionally right." That sort of thing gets me every time.

That is an impressive feat Rasmus! Well done and I'm very honored.

Good choice Greg. Hey, I'll bet your fridge makes funny sounds from time to time--Sears sells household appliances too you know.

At 3:18 AM, Blogger hen said...

For you Latigo - I'll do better than that. I'll tattoo my testimonial to my forehead and personally throw myself through the fount window of several ad agencies in LA.

At 7:34 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Full scale guffaws on that one, friend Flint.


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