Inventing Parachutes

Leonardo da Vinci is widely credited with inventing the Parachute. He sketched one in 1483. It was a large pyramid shaped frame, covered with cloth and open at the base. He wrote in the margin that its primary use would probably be for making your neighbors think that you were some sort of god and then when you asked for a bite of their honey-dipped pastry they'd be too afraid to refuse.

Latigo Flint is widely credited with inventing the Post Impact Parachute. A timer attached to small concussive charge counts down from three seconds after impact and then deploys the chute above your twitching corpse in an arcing, spectacular billow of futile and ironic functionality. Its primary use is to make your death look tragically awesome when captured on a shaky camcorder.

The Post Impact Parachute isn't selling all that well though. Turns out people aren't exactly lining up for the chance to purchase a parachute that has been meticulously engineered not to open until three seconds after you've hit the ground. And yet backyard trampolines continue to fly off the shelves, even though the only thing that could make those things worse would be an array of upright spears, randomly positioned beneath the mesh.

Someone needs to invent a parachute with a sensor that is able to detect when a trampoline has suddenly decided to hurl you headfirst across the yard into a cinderblock wall.

(Oh, and someone needs to take my hand and tell me I don't need to do a forward flip to be a man. Of course I won't listen; I'll tell her to shut the hell up--this is between me and that goddamn trampoline, but I'll appreciate the gesture and bounce a little easier knowing an ambulance will be called in a minute or two when I need it.)