Friday, March 10, 2006

Inventing Parachutes

Leonardo da Vinci is widely credited with inventing the Parachute. He sketched one in 1483. It was a large pyramid shaped frame, covered with cloth and open at the base. He wrote in the margin that its primary use would probably be for making your neighbors think that you were some sort of god and then when you asked for a bite of their honey-dipped pastry they'd be too afraid to refuse.

Latigo Flint is widely credited with inventing the Post Impact Parachute. A timer attached to small concussive charge counts down from three seconds after impact and then deploys the chute above your twitching corpse in an arcing, spectacular billow of futile and ironic functionality. Its primary use is to make your death look tragically awesome when captured on a shaky camcorder.

The Post Impact Parachute isn't selling all that well though. Turns out people aren't exactly lining up for the chance to purchase a parachute that has been meticulously engineered not to open until three seconds after you've hit the ground. And yet backyard trampolines continue to fly off the shelves, even though the only thing that could make those things worse would be an array of upright spears, randomly positioned beneath the mesh.

Someone needs to invent a parachute with a sensor that is able to detect when a trampoline has suddenly decided to hurl you headfirst across the yard into a cinderblock wall.

(Oh, and someone needs to take my hand and tell me I don't need to do a forward flip to be a man. Of course I won't listen; I'll tell her to shut the hell up--this is between me and that goddamn trampoline, but I'll appreciate the gesture and bounce a little easier knowing an ambulance will be called in a minute or two when I need it.)

13 Comments:

At 6:12 AM, Blogger Mary Lewys said...

Latigo, you used graphics. How progressive! *grins* And I can't imagine why Wile E. Coyote doesn't keep you in cavier and cocktails with parachute sales.

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

Ah, those evil sneering trampolines. You've been dancing with the devil again haven't you, Flint?

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger Isaac said...

Latigo, that was an entertaining, well-written post. My enjoyment of it is in no way intended to make light of any elements that may be colored by tragedy.

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

If memory serves, Latigo Flint doesn't have much luck with trampolines.

Good luck with that post-impact parachute.

Say, I was thinking about a post-ejaculation condom. Don't go stealin' that one!

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Okay, now, let's take it one step at a time: A forward somersault is just like a backward somersault, only different. Now then, good luck.

 
At 5:05 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i will invent such a thing.

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger Peter said...

Hi Latigo, I'm back from my wanderings just in time for the launch?? of your Post Impact Parachute, can't understand why it hasn't made a big slash on the market.

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Peter said...

or even a splash!!

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

Sorry to hear it's not selling Flint. I was going to make a grenade that was timed to go off three seconds before it was thrown, but now maybe I won't bother.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

I would like to order 40 000 post impact parachutes. I would like them to bear the insignia and style of the British Royal Airforce. Unfortunately we cannot pay you til after the revolution is successful, but if you help us now we will rename Trafalger Square "Latigo Square"

 
At 4:05 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

Hindsight is always 20/20. Foresight is something else entirely. Mine was circumcised, and I'm not even male.

Love this post, especially the references to Leonardo.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

I know you might just tell me to shut up but...you don't need to do a forward flip to be a man.

There. I said it.

 
At 11:08 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Yeah, Mary, you'd think he would, wouldn't you?

Howdy Other Brother. Yes I have--you'd think eventually I'd learn my lesson...I never do though--not learning lessons builds character.

The bees Isaac... the bees stung Jack Trivins to death! To death, you hear me?

Rumor has it, LBB, that the "post ejaculation condom" is actually the wire noose you slip over her head as the two of you cuddle post-coitus... but you didn't hear it from me, huh?

Good luck indeed Old Hoss. Good luck finding my teeth after I kiss my knee at sixty miles an hour.

But will you sell me one Ho? That's the question.

Went walkabout, did you Peter? I hope you found what you were looking for. And I can't understand either... seems like it would have definitely both slashed and splashed the market.

We're ahead of our time Grublygold, you and I. That's what I've always thought anyway.

Done Helga Von Porno! Provided the statue of Lord Nelson gets a cowboy hat.

Hello Sharon, long time. I'm sorry to hear about your genital mutilation. Gosh, the things we humans do to each other's genitals. I love that you loved this post.

Shut the hell up Amandarama, this is between me and that goddamn trampoline.

 

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