Sunday, February 19, 2006

The Battle of One-Nipple Hill

So it turns out Civil War historians tend to get extremely upset if you insist that Confederate General, Robert E. Lee, only had one nipple. They splutter and fuss and call you an ignorant purveyor of ballyhoory. And then eventually try to karate-chop you in the throat if you refuse to recant.

Latigo Flint knows this to be true, because the other day he met a Civil War historian, and after some small talk, Latigo Flint happened to mention that he'd heard that Robert E. Lee only had one nipple.

"Why that's preposterous." The Civil War historian exclaimed. "Where did you hear such a thing?"
"Oh, here and there, various reliable sources." I replied. "In fact, wasn't Robert E. Lee known to have been fond of saying: 'Give me ten stout and sturdy men, each with but one nipple, and then an enemy could not be assembled that I could not defeat.'"

"No!" The Civil War historian shrieked. "Robert E. Lee never said any such thing!"
"Hmm." I replied. "Perhaps it was Ulysses S. Grant then."
"Absolutely not!" The historian howled, his face turning an alarming shade of red.
"It must have been George Meade." I noted. "And that's probably how he defeated Lee at Gettysburg, right? He had more one-nippled troops than Lee had."

The historian started hopping around in an angry little circle, spitting and punching into thin air.
"Why you ignorant purveyor of ballyhoory!!!" He spluttered. "Nipples, their presence or lack thereof, have never even remotely factored into any conceivable facet of the Civil War conflict, and one would have to be mad to suggest otherwise!!!"

I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, then pointed at him with a contemplative finger.
"But Sir, is it not true that a man with just one nipple would have one less nipple to lose? And surely a general as wise as Robert E. Lee would have recognized this basic truth--especially since he possessed only one nipple himself."

It was almost too much for the historian to bear. His eyes rolled back in his head and he started to hyperventilate. I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"How many nipples do you have Sir?"

"I have two of course!" He wept, and involuntarily stroked them as if to confirm.
"Ah." I replied. "So you're obviously not related to Robert E. Lee then."

And that's when he tried to karate-chop me in the throat. I sidestepped and backed several paces away. As he turned and prepared to lunge at me again, I spread the flaps of my buckskin vest, revealing a muscular chest short exactly one nipple.

And with an audible twang, his mind split in half, and he ran screaming into the night.

(The worst part is I don't know why I did it, and I've regretted it ever since.

As I removed the flesh-colored tape, it ripped painfully at my tender skin.
"Penance." I thought to myself with a nod. "I deserved that nipple tear--for historians take their work so seriously, it's almost unfair to fuck with 'em.")

"The outcome of any battle, be it land, sea or air, must at some point hinge on the decisions of a few, brave, nippleless men."
General George S. Patton Jr. 1885-1945


At 8:12 PM, Blogger Francis Marion Tarwater said...

Penance indeed. Mr. Flint, I'm a big fan of your work but if you continue to sully the name of General Robert E. Lee, well, Katie bar the door.

At 10:07 AM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

See I never heard about Lee only having one nipple, but in going with tradition, I have heard that "history" is now saying that both Lee and Grant were gay, and in fact lovers. Hey if there can be Gay Cowboys...

At 11:13 AM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Maybe one nipple could be considered a strategic advantage on the fields of battle, but think about in the fields of love. Certainly two nipples for Paula to wrap her lips around are better than just the one.

At 1:19 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Your account is being disputed by Gen. Douglas "Three-Nipple" MacArthur.

At 1:24 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength and only one nipple in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated, with two nipples, and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet and with single nipples, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might and single nipples, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old." - Winston Churchill

At 5:22 PM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

I haven't much to say on this topic, nipples kinda creep me out.

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Ari said...

You've been at the Mallrats again.

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I understand Solace Layfield, a southern man's got to do what a southern man's got to do. (You can have Katie bar all the doors she can reach--I just sent Annie to fetch my ram.)

Hey TSP!!! Ennis and Jack were sheep wranglers goddamn it! Not cowboys. How many times do I have tell you this?!!! (Bring up Willie Nelson and I'm gonna punch you in the throat.)

Paula... are you flirting with Latigo Flint? You are, aren't you? Don't you know that way lies madness--here be dragons and whatnot?
(I'm rubbing frozen beer-cubes on my nipples right now.)

I'm not gonna lie Old Hoss, having my accounts disputed from beyond the grave by highly-decorated war heroes always tends to creep me out.

Magnificent Trevor! I am honored to have a historian of your caliber for a friend. I recently unearthed these two gems:
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to rub its nipples."

"We will have no truce or parlay with nipples, or the grisly gang who work their wicked will. You do your worst nipples -- and we will do our best."
Sir Winston Churchill

I feel you Grublygold, I feel you. Me too a bit, truth be told.

That scene blew my adolescent mind Ari. (I may have stained the theater seat in front of me.)


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