Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Rabies is a Dancer

Some dogs don't think hydrophobia could ever happen to them, and they just really don't see what the problem is with doing a little rabies every now and then.

"Come on man." They say. "Who do you think I am, Old Yeller or something?! Please, that cur was messed up waaaay before he got into rabies."

They glance around and lower their voice.

"Look, I'm not prejudiced or anything, but Old Yeller didn't have a day of training."
They nod and wag their tail insistently. "It's true man, completely uneducated--didn't even know the meaning of the word ‘Sit', much less that it was supposed to apply to him."

They shudder as if the very thought is morally reprehensible.

"Yeller had no self-control, know what I'm sayin’? Come on--stealin' hams off the smokehouse wall, suckin' eggs in the night..."
They place a paw on your knee so you really get the point.
"Did a summer day go by that didn't find Ol' Yeller splashin’ around with a naked Little Arliss all up in the drinking water part of the creek? Hell no! He knew that ticked Travis off something fierce--didn't care, did it anyway."

The dogs shake their head, disappointed at such disobedience. And then take a long lick off the foaming anus of a snapping, writhing squirrel.

"Yeah man, frankly I'm not a bit surprised the hydrophobia took Old Yeller the way it did. Shit, if it hadn’t been that, it was gonna be something else, you know what I'm sayin'?"

They offer you a lick of rabid squirrel anus--which you do very well to decline.

"Look man, I'm not sayin' the dude was all bad." The dogs admit with a shrug. "Yeller did help Travis out when those javelina hogs attacked; that was pretty solid. And saving Arliss from that bear took guts.”

They hit the rabid squirrel anus one more time and finish it off. "By the way, that's probably the only one I'll do this week." They assure you.

"Anyway, listen man." They say, wrapping up. "The sad truth is the old boy had no discipline. I mean for Rin's Sake, that mutt thought Rollover and Heel was some kind of flaky breakfast pastry. I'm tellin' you, when Old Yeller found rabies he just dove right in, ears and tail in the air, just like he'd done everything else. And he took it deep and he took it dark and he took it to places it shouldn't be. And then he danced with the foaming death bitch 'till dawn."

They wag their tail dismissively and lick your hand as you try to forget where that tongue has been.

"Won't happen to me, I got a pedigree... now WOOF, what say we play with a ball?"


At 1:11 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Damn fine piece of essay, Latigo. I had to wince a little when you mentioned the foaming anus. But it went down smoothly after that.

At 5:07 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

Not bad, not bad at all, Mr Flint, I get spasms of internal glee when I imagine children's book publishers turning down your proofs unable to explain why.
Dogs are such conservatives. That's why they've no technology. I bet Ol Yeller would have invented door knobs if he'd only been given a chance.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

Licking squirrel anus is a gateway to more hardcore highs such as mailman leg and car fender.

At 8:35 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

Foaming squirrel anus?

I would like to put forth that these three words have never, ever appeared together anywhere before.

Good work.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger Ari said...

I feel like hurling every time I read about rabid squirrel bum. Seriously.

At 10:10 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

So uh yeah

I was sitting there this afternoon, eating a huge bowl of delicious cereal when I decided to check the site of my dear friend Latigo Flint

and let me tell you, "foaming squirrel anus" is not a phrase you want to read while eating

At 1:54 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

It's a savage world LBB and rabies is the proof. If I've made navigation a little smoother, I'm proud to have been of assistance.

Why thank you Helga Von Porno. I think the reasons I'm unpublishable are so numerous that when one tries to explain, they cram the throat in a sudden rush, bottleneck and then strangle... that's what I think.

Trevor--my friend you are as feral and insightful as always.

Well then perhaps I shall be remembered for something Monkeypotpie--even if that something has to be "foaming squirrel anus."

Every time Ari? You've read about foaming squirrel anuses before?! What the hell is this going to do to my legacy?!!!

Well Paula, I guess that'll teach you to check me without a drink in your hand and at least a half dozen empties on the counter! (Remember, the more you drink the smarter I sound.)


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