Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Nerkles the Silly Mountain Goat

Friends, Latigo Flint's relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish, recently wrote a children's story of which he is quite proud. I initially refused to share it with you, knowing how valuable your time is. But The Kid promised to buy the beer for a week if I displayed his story here.

Every man has his price. Turns out mine is seven days-worth of beer.

It is therefore with a hiccup and a flourish that I present to you...

Nerkles the Silly Mountain Goat
by Kid Relish, Latigo Flint's relatively trusty sidekick

Once upon a time there lived a young mountain goat named Nerkles. Nerkles was a typical, everyday, average young mountain goat and he did typical, everyday, average young mountain goat things.

Like climbing up mountains. Nerkles liked climbing up mountains. Up and up he would climb.

And climbing down mountains. Nerkles also liked climbing down mountains. Down and down he would climb.

Nerkles was a happy mountain goat.

But then one day Nerkles did a really silly thing. Nerkles climbed down his mountain. Down and down he climbed.

Next Nerkles splashed across a burbly stream. Splishedy splash, splishedy splash.

When Nerkles reached a road, Nerkles scampered down it. Cloppedy clop, cloppedy clop.

All the way to Al Pacino's house.

Nerkles waited outside Al Pacino's house until Al Pacino came out, and when Al Pacino came out, Nerkles tried to eat him.

Silly Nerkles. That's a silly thing for a mountain goat to do... trying to eat Al Pacino.

Al Pacino was very angry with Nerkles and his eyes bulged out of his head. Bulgedy bulge, bulgedy bulge.

Al Pacino shook his fist and made unpleasant sounds. Nerkles was very frightened. Trembly bonk went Nerkles' knees.

When Nerkles tried to run away, Al Pacino grabbed him and beat him to death with a chain. Swishedy splat, swishedy splat.

Silly Nerkles you silly, silly mountain goat--you tried to eat Al Pacino but instead he beat you to death with a chain.

The End


At 12:14 AM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Hey Latigo, what do you think about Al Pacino to play the part of Al Pacino when they adapt this for the big screen?

At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris O'Donnell could play Nerkles... then Al could say "Huuuaaahhh" at some point and people would laugh.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I sort of see Jim Carey playing the part of Al Pacino.

At 11:58 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Dear Kid: I hate to say it, but I think this story needs a little train in it.

At 11:39 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Sometimes I just want to bundle kid relish up in a blanket and eat him like a burrito

At 3:16 AM, Blogger greta said...

Sublime, Kid.
The best thing since Green Eggs and Ham.

At 6:26 AM, Anonymous Nicolas Papaconstantinou said...

I know all of the words in that final line, but all put together in that order, I don't understand them.

They take on a kind of magical air that makes you kind of smile and twist your face in in confusion all at once... How did he do that? Your face is saying... How did he manage to make a story where that perfect but bizarre line makes bizarre but perfect sense?

Kid Relish needs an artist and a childrens' book deal, like, yesterday...

At 6:58 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

My kids are trying to figure out why I'm laughing at my computer screen. I'd read them the story, but sadly, it is not on the approved reading list.

"Trembly bonk". Hee!

At 7:19 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I disagree, Trevor.

I see John Travolta playing Pacino with all the manic intensity that he displayed in the role of Castor Troy in Face/Off.

The goat should be played by Lassie, who can act as well as rescue children from wells by barking.

At 10:28 AM, Blogger Ari said...

Well, Kid's already got a trilogy there -- next is Pacino vs. the Next Biggest, No Sense of Humor Mountain Goat, and the final showdown between Pacino and the Most Biggest, Aggressively Bad Tempered and Psychotic Goat Enforcer.

Where does the Troll fit in though?

At 1:49 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Genius Kid. How do you come up with this stuff?

That is spectacular Anonymous! Magnificent casting. Pity I don't know who you are--now I'm just going to have to claim the idea as mine and no one will be the wiser.

It's 'cause he's Canadian, isn't it Trevor Record? No shame--I'm proud of my countrymen too.

Hello Old Hoss--The Kid's response is wholly unprintable. Surely you understand by now.

I don't blame you Paula, Kid Relish is dead sexy. He's also just about as dangerous as a rabid rattlesnake, but sexy nonetheless.

Hello Greta. I'll tell him you said so. He'll probably pretend not to know who the Doctor even is, and then try to shove One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish beneath his mattress before I see it.

That is a wonderful and spectacular complement Nicolas Papaconstantinou. Thank you. (But you better look for the beast and the signs on the day Kid Relish gets a children's book deal, they'll arrive together according to some prophesies.)

You like that line Amandarama? I wrote it for you... I mean, Kid Relish did.

Tell you what Ultra Toast, you and Trevor work it out and then present me, I mean Kid Relish, your decision.

The Troll is the audience Ari. Very deep all this is.

At 6:33 PM, Blogger Rob said...

Goats always seem to get crappy roles in movies. I remember the poor thing in Jurassic Park, bleating plaintively until it stopped (on account of having been incorporated into a T.Rex).

Ari: maybe the T in T.Rex stands for Troll?

At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a pathetic loser. Get a fuckin life dude. Anyone who even jokes about animal cruelty is a poor excuse for a man.


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