Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The Battle of One-Nipple Hill

Happy Birthday America. I love you like a brother... or maybe like a crazy uncle who drinks too much at dinner and offends the waitress--except that when the bill comes, he tips more than 20%, and would be the first to his trunk if their car battery died and needed a jump.

Anyway, I give you a post that makes light of history and war, for seemingly no other purpose than to use the word "nipple" as many times as possible. But then isn't that one of my unalienable Rights--to say "nipple" a lot if I want to?

Cheer up World. We will all live, on average, so very much longer than we used to. We forget that sometimes, don't we? We shove our nipples in the mud and forget to look to the stars.

From the archives - 2/19/06:


The Battle of One-Nipple Hill

So it turns out Civil War historians tend to get extremely upset if you insist that Confederate General, Robert E. Lee, only had one nipple. They splutter and fuss and call you an ignorant purveyor of ballyhoory. And then eventually try to karate-chop you in the throat if you refuse to recant.

Latigo Flint knows this to be true, because the other day he met a Civil War historian, and after some small talk, Latigo Flint happened to mention that he'd heard that Robert E. Lee only had one nipple.

"Why, that's preposterous." The Civil War historian exclaimed. "Where did you hear such a thing?"

"Oh, here and there, various reliable sources." I replied. "In fact, wasn't Robert E. Lee known to have been fond of saying: 'Give me ten stout and sturdy men, each with but one nipple, and then an enemy could not be assembled that I could not defeat.'"

"No!" The Civil War historian shrieked. "Robert E. Lee never said any such thing!"
"Hmm." I replied. "Perhaps it was Ulysses S. Grant."
"Absolutely not!" The historian howled, his face turning an alarming shade of red.
"It must have been George Meade then." I noted. "And that's probably how he defeated Lee at Gettysburg, right? He had more one-nippled troops than Lee had."

The historian started hopping around in an angry little circle, spitting and punching the air.
"Why you ignorant purveyor of ballyhoory!!!" He spluttered. "Nipples, their presence or lack thereof, never even remotely factored into any conceivable facet of the Civil War conflict, and one would have to be mad to suggest otherwise!!!"

I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, then pointed at him with a contemplative finger.
"But Sir, is it not true that a man with just one nipple would have one less nipple to lose? And surely a general as wise as Robert E. Lee would have recognized this basic truth--especially since he himself possessed just one nipple."

It was almost too much for the historian to bear. His eyes rolled back in his head and he started to hyperventilate. I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"How many nipples do you have Sir?"

"I have two of course!" He wept, and involuntarily stroked them as if to confirm.
"Ah." I replied. "So then you're obviously not related to Robert E. Lee."

And that's when he tried to karate-chop me in the throat. I sidestepped and backed several paces away. As he turned and prepared to lunge at me again, I spread the flaps of my buckskin vest, revealing a muscular chest short exactly one nipple.

And with an audible twang, his mind split in half, and he ran screaming into the night.

(The worst part is I don't know why I did it, and I've regretted it ever since.

As I removed the flesh-colored tape, it ripped painfully at my tender skin.
"Penance." I thought to myself with a nod. "I deserved that nipple tear--for historians take their work so seriously, it's almost unfair to fuck with 'em.")

"The outcome of any battle, be it land, sea or air, must at some point hinge on the actions of a few, brave, nippleless men."
-General George S. Patton Jr.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. (Except for the ones born with only one nipple, because they don't have as many nipples as the rest of us.) But that even the one-nippled are still endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of prosthetic nipples. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends (chopping off nipples at birth for instance) it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government--one that won't chop nipples off, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their nipple-safety and happiness."
-Thomas Jefferson


At 4:28 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Historians don't like talking about anything related to sex in their work.

They have a strange, almost reflexive phobia of the subject.

Sex takes up valuable mind space that could otherwise be filled with trivia about french royalist cake recipe's and repeat firing M16's.

The symptoms you describe are common, and appear without any prior warning should you discuss Adolf Hitlers enormous appendage, or the foul propagandist cinereels that he and Goebbels made.

At 8:07 AM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

A nipple is to a man as a make-up artist is to a Hell's Angel. Impotently, pinkly trying to decorate; struggling to get through the hair. But well-meant. I do believe the male nipple to be very well-meaning. But they are like performance-artrists in the trenches of war. Completely useless, although oddly amusing. And that is their tragedy.

Happy Independence Day, Latigo.

At 6:22 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I do not have to tell you who won the war. You know, the artillery did. Well, that and men with only a single nipple." - Gen George S Patton

At 12:12 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Yours are words of truth and wisdom Ultra Toast Mosha God. Verily so. And most historians refuse to admit that repeat-firing M16 would frequently overheat and wouldn't fire again until the soldier asked his foxhole neighbor to lick his barrel cool again.

You speak of the male nipple so eloquently, Sam Problem Child Bride, that I almost wish you were speaking over mine.
(And to you Kid.)

Perfection Trevor.
"If I win I can't be stopped. If I lose I shall be dead. And if I have but one nipple, then I have one less nipple to lose."
-General George S. Patton, Jr.

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Orlowski Zygmunt
Poland 2005
index html
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