Wednesday, September 07, 2005

One Shadow Darker

In beast country, one shadow darker is cause for alarm--many shadows moving, terror.

In beast country, "heroic" and "wise" are mutually exclusive.

In beast country, family is no blessing--their screams alter your sprint in a way stranger's do not.

In beast country, altering your sprint tends to have personally horrific results.

In beast country, a man learns his worth... and it is frequently measured in kilo-calories.

Beast country is where legends are made of men. (The self-defecation and snotty-tears are typically omitted.)

You will know a man who has trekked through beast country by his haunted eyes and also by what could only be described as a 'vacant twitchfulness'. Whatever you do, don't serve him yogurt, especially the fruit-paste-on-the-bottom kind.

Not kidding around here, put the fuckin' yogurt away!

Damnit Sarah, the man has trekked through beast country. He's seen horrors you can't possibly imagine. Why would you add enzyme to injury and serve him yogurt?

Okay, if you stir that yogurt in front of him, he's going to fatally rip your face off. (He knows how--he's been in beast country, remember?)

Action Point Summary for Beast Country:
1) It's bad.
2) Most people get eaten there.
3) Don't put yogurt in front of the few that return.

I'd tell you more about beast country but I actually think it's sexier if I lapse into abrupt silence and twitch vacantly for a while now.

(In beast country, one shadow darker is cause for alarm--many shadows moving, terror.)

((That was a parenthetical just then; a mumbled reiteration. It's more or less the same as an abrupt silence. It's certainly just as sexy, if not more.

Reap it you laughing, ghostly dancers!

Okay, twitching vacantly now.))


At 12:47 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Have you ever tried plain yogurt.

I'd rather eat dung from Beast Country.

It's bad news. You ought to pistol whip whoever invented it.

At 5:26 AM, Blogger Jinxy said...

*solitary tear*

Beautiful poetry, Latigo.

But "twitchfulness"?

At 7:52 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

'Heroic' and 'wise' are pretty often mutually exclusive even outside of beast country.

Remember, you don't always have to be faster than the beast, just faster than the others in your hunting/scouting/whatever-got-you-into-beast-country party.

"Why would you add enzyme to injury" - classic!

At 8:22 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

It's okay to be "twitchful," just not when you're holding a shot glass full of whiskey, no need to waste good whiskey.

At 8:28 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i'm crying as i write this. and twitching as if i had survived beast county. but i'm a poser. a posing poser. but i did shoot a bit of my yoplait through my right nose just to kinda get a feel for it.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Wow! A double parenthetical! You are entirely too secretive. Better come out of the closet.

At 12:04 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

yogurt is pretty sexy i'd say . . .

At 1:00 PM, Blogger amandapants said...

Does yogurt give you the sniffles too?
They probably have soy yogurt nowadays, so no need to fear the lactose.

At 1:52 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the lactose
Nor do the wind the sun or the rain (we can be like they are)
Come on baby (don't fear the lactose)
Baby take my hand (don't fear the lactose)
We'll be able to fly (don't fear the lactose)

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Giving anyone yogurt after a trip to beast country is simply cruel and unusual punishment. About the only thing worse you could do is give them tofu. In a room filled with the frightening sound of Barry Manilow. On Muzak.

At 11:33 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

LBB: Hell no. Go there and see if you feel the same way. Was it Louis Pasteur? Hell with it, I'm gonna pistol whip him anyway.

Howdy JJJJ! Thank you for that. (Oh, and hell yeah 'twitchfulness'!!! That right there is a right awesome word.)

Bravado and booze Ghost Dog. Bravado and booze seem to be leading cause of beast country entry.

I agree with this Dave. I agree very much. Except in zero gravity. It doesn't matter if you twitch your drink in zero-g. And in fact, chasing down the wayward little droplets can be rather entertaining.

At least you're man enough to admit it Ho. Can you believe some fellers actually make up stories that imply they've been to beast country?! I punch guys and gals like that in the face.

Tee hee Old Hoss. My secret's safe with you.

And I disagree with a frown Tabitha Jane. And it's an evil frown... and I also try to dump poisoned yogurt in your hair.

Okay stop right there Amandapants!!! Latigo Flint is not lactose intolerant goddamnit!!! I resent the implication very much. Being lactose intolerant is very un-macho. And Latigo Flint is probably like, macho infinity, or something!

I'm not afraid of the goddamn lactose Ghost Dog!!! I gut the next person who implies it.

Yes Amandarama. Exactly. You get me. It's just wrong. It's not right. It has nothing to do with lactose intolerance.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Wasn't implying you were, Latty. It's just that amandapants said "no need to fear the lactose" and all of a sudden I heard Blue Oyster Cult in my head.


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