Friday, August 26, 2005

Fun With Light Switches (Tastes Like Dying Though)

You know what's a lot of fun? It's a lot of fun to stand in a dark bathroom for several minutes staring at your murky reflection in the mirror... then flip on the light and watch your wide pupils abruptly contract.

The effect is stunning and awesome. It looks like CGI!

But you're cheating yourself if you stop there. Latigo Flint likes to enact all manner of awesome scenes, placing the light switch flip at the exact right moment.

Here's one:

"There is something you should know Miss Petalwood... that which has so strongly attracted you to me shall in turn repulse and horrify you as you have never been repulsed and horrified before. For my dear Miss Petalwood, a significant portion of the blood that flows through these veins is, and has always been, that of THE WOLF!"
[Flip light on, pupils contract eerily. Snarl.]
"And so now you know Miss Petalwood, now you know."

It is a fine one, no doubt. This one is also pretty good:

"Wind swept sails and capstan creak obscure the muffled clank of shackles dropping heavily upon the slimy deck below. 'The prisoner is free!!! The prisoner is free!!!' scream the gulls from the bow, but the busy crew does not hear. A shadowy figure glides across his pitching tomb, cutlass in hand. Tomb no longer, his footsteps imply. He stops at the damp oak door and gently grips the knob. He can smell the sunshine on the other side. He grins at his cutlass in the darkness and begins to whisper:
'Slice, slice. Sever, sever. Lock me down? Never, never.' He repeats it, a bit louder this time: 'Slice, slice! Sever, sever! Lock me down?! Never, NEVER!!!' He turns the knob and lunges out into the briny morn."
[Flip light on, pupils contract. Laugh manically.]

But none of the hundred or so light switch pupil contraction scenes currently in my repertoire can hold a candle to Latigo Flint's Poem for a Darkened Bathroom, written specifically for the purpose of light switch pupil contracting. Would you like to read Latigo Flint's Poem for a Darkened Bathroom? Here it is:

From history's grave fresh gunsmoke wafts, a tolling of time's bell.
Assembled here in bathroom bare, souls of gunmen back from hell.

Into one form they squish themselves, Earp's handlebar pokes Doc's eye.
At Dalton squints the Younger Gang and Jesse frowns at Ike.

Billy grins as Masterson spins his bowler on a Colt.
John Wesley Hardin sits, Sundance spits and Hickok deals and folds.

They've gathered here and won't leave I fear, until citizens dern well know
that the West twern't bad, it was good and rad--reap it world, I'm Latigo!


[flip lights on]

Flint!

[Then shatter mirror with a vicious headbutt. Next goes fist through shower door, backhand drag blood across face. Kick ball change and shoot the towel rack clean off. Toilet related mayhem. Tiny wastebasket hurled through window. Self inflicted plunger wound, and then big finish... Nose hair clippers stabbed into foot, nipple shorn off with straight razor, followed by headfirst dive into bathtub faucet.]

I try to pace myself and engage in light switch pupil contraction only about once or twice a year. It tends to take a lot out of me you know.

18 Comments:

At 1:35 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hell of a ritual you got there, Latigo.

Have you ever seen Jeremiah Johnson? Damn good film. Just finished it. I think you might relate to it.

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger Joe said...

Hmm...your post light switch pupil contraction routine sounds an awful lot like my normal morning as I try to get out of the house on my way to work.

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I'm guessing your medical bills dictate the frequency with which you engage in the pupil game.

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

The Rime of the Ancient Latigo is the best poem ever writ. And to think it was penned in the dark!

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

"Toilet related mayhem"

An evocative phrase if ever there was an evocative phrase.

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger slarrow said...

I should hope you only do it once or twice a year, what with the straight razor thing and all. Just how many nipples you got?

Slice, slice, sever, sever indeed.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

have you ever tried to film this and have it shown in an indie film festival? i think you could go far. one of the most original ideas i've seen!

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger MJ said...

Before you turn on the lights, say thrice "Bloody Mary."

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

the wolf...that killed me.

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

The kick ball change just dazzled me.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger fourth_fret said...

i tried this, you know. only i read your post as prescribed: "I try to pace myself and engage in light switch pupil contraction only about once or twice a year. It tends to take a lot ... FLIP SWITCH ... out of me you know."

I've been barking ever since.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I have actually done this in the past. I was pretending I was a lizard man. Please don't tell anyone.

 
At 11:20 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Miss Petalwood is an incomparably lovely moniker. And "toilet related mayhem" is just stellar too. As a phrase, I mean.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger ~*Bettie said...

EVERYONE!!!

Go to MTV and vote for GREEN DAY!!!!

If you need the link, I've posted it!!

Vote for Green Day to get the Viewers Choice Award tonight at the Video Music Awards in Miami!


GO GREEN DAY!!!!

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thank you LBB. I have seen this film. A mighty fine one it is. (If you recall, I occasionally build couch cushion forts and portray some of the garrison's sesieged troops with a Jeremiah Johnson DVD.)

You must be very tough Joe, I'm impressed. It takes a lot out of me. I try to limit it to once or twice a year.

That does come into play Dave. No doubt.

"God save thee, ancient Hoss:
From the fiends, that plague thee thus! -
Why look'st thou so?" - "With my cross-bow
I shot the Albatross."

Thank you Amandarama. Yes, I have always admired all the pretty things it evocates. It evocates stuff well.

Two, Slarrow, same as you. (Except at this point, that which I call a nipple, may in fact only be a crusty scab.)

Thank you very much Tabitha Jane. I never have. Independent film festivals make me uneasy.

I tried that once MJ... horrible things happened. My shower curtain became possessed and my comb tried to decapitate me. I had to move.

Me too Ho. I choked on my lite beer.

Kick ball changes have that effect on girls Cindy-Lou... I'm not entirely certain why.

That's taking it to the next step Third String. I'm very impressed and more than a little honored.

Your secret is safe with me Trevor... and my millions of readers.

Thank you Ari. It symbolically translates to "soft" and "hard".

I'm sorry TY, I won't. You haven't presented a compelling enough reason. (Or for that matter, any reason beyond forward locomotion.)

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger Ari said...

It just gets no finer than peopleing one's tales with characters whose lovely monikers have phallic connections (that I only now realize, thanks to your translation).

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

All except for Rapier Gentlestroke. That was really his name and any phallic and/or sexual connotation was purely coincidental.

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Uh huh.

 

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