Sunday, October 30, 2005

A Lake That Unicorns Could Not Swim

Latigo Flint has probably made a significant paleontological discovery this weekend. This is rather exciting for a number of reasons--not the least of which is the fact that pretty girls tend to be quite keen to sleep with dashing men who make significant paleontological discoveries. No one is altogether certain why, but it is nonetheless a steady truth.

Anyway, this weekend Latigo Flint probably found The Lake That Unicorns Could Not Swim. How does Latigo Flint know? Well, it just sort of gives off that vibe. It's the sort of lake where if you stare at it long enough, you come to know that Unicorns probably died here, and in horrifying numbers.

For those of you unaware--the Unicorns that roamed our planet thousands of years ago loved doing three things above all else:
1) Standing in mountain meadows, caressing wildflowers with their velvet noses and blinking beautifully at stars.
2) Gently running their horns through waterfalls.
3) Swimming across lakes.

Of these, they liked the third the best because when they reached the far side, they got to jump out, climb a nearby rock and shake water droplets from their silken manes. This is how rainbows were invented, by the way.

But one lake held a monster--and when the Unicorns came to swim across it, as was their joy, the monster tore their throats out.

And it is this lake that Latigo Flint is quite certain he has finally found. Latigo Flint stood on the shore and called out over the water.
"Hey Monster!" Latigo Flint bellowed. "How many Unicorns have you killed through the eons you wretched fiend?"

The monster did not reply. The number was so high as to shame even a monster.

This was pretty damning, but Latigo Flint needed to definitively prove that it was in fact the lake that Unicorns could not swim. So in the name of sound scientific procedure, Latigo Flint stripped down to his buckskin briefs and swam across the lake.

The monster in the lake did not tear Latigo Flint's throat out.

Latigo Flint is not a Unicorn.

Latigo Flint will promptly submit his paper to all the pertinent scientific journals now.


At 9:57 PM, Blogger fourth_fret said...

are you sure the monster did not strike due to your lack of horniness (no pun intended), but for giggling wildly at a near naked latigo?

i mean, i'm sure a near naked latigo is nothing to scoff at, but perhaps a monster finds the sight amusing.

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Perhaps the 5 thousand year drought of unicorns has sent the monster on a quite long meth bender. Wouldn't YOU? The unicorns are to the monster what the Starbucks barista is to Latigo Flint.

Just a hypothesis.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Maybe the lake is now 98% unicorn blood. Did you drink any of it?

At 5:30 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Oh Latigo, that is some pretty damning my clothes seem to be falling off...

At 6:15 PM, Blogger Peter said...

Alternativly, if Latigo Flint is a unicorn, he is a unicorn with a very fast gun-hand.

At 6:45 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think I vacationed near there. Loch Bess Buy, right? Near Wally Water World?

At 7:15 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

"caressing wildflowers with their velvet noses and blinking beautifully at stars"

I've come to realize this singular fact. If I had ever had a fourth grade boyfriend, I would have wanted him to be Latigo Flint.

And I would have shared my star shaped fruit roll ups with you, too.

At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Westacular said...

Oh, Spacklerump the Glorious, why do you risk your life so?

At 9:46 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

There's a flaw in your logic: Unicorns' manes aren't silken.

At 9:58 PM, Blogger greta said...

Damn you to hell Latigo Flint, blinding me with science.
Well, palaeontology.
I should've listend to the nuns at my school. They always warned us we'd go blind.

*giggles coquettishly*

At 11:36 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Perhaps no pun was intended Fourth Fret, but one was taken and severely at that! I'm off to eat oysters and do push-ups for about a week now.

Anything is possible Dave, anything is possible.

Only about half of it DMor. (Or felt like it anyway.) I don't swim like I once did--too many Winstons and not enough sexy push-ups.

Oh success Paula--glory and rapture, success! Why wasn't I sooner informed that the path to women's hearts is and has always been, marked by Unicorns and sound scientific procedure?

Peter, your grin repels demons. I just wanted you to know that. I'd bottle it and make my fortune selling demon repellent if I could. And you are right; if I was a Unicorn I would be blazingly fast on the draw. But I'm not a Unicorn, I'm a human man.

Chevy Chase burned it down Old Hoss. This lake is near Los Angeles. ("Near" being relative of course.)

Hello Muse. That settles it, when I finally complete my time machine you better believe it'll be a two-seater. I'll be bound for the fourth-grade, joy, and all the star shaped fruit roll ups we can eat. (With just a quick stop in 1862.)

Oh Westacular, you remembered my Unicorn Name. Words fail me, and that doesn't happen very often. (Computer monitor is getting a little streaky and tough to see if you know what I'm saying.)

What?!!! What did you just say LBB? How dare you?! Of course Unicorn manes are (or rather, were) silken! Don't vex me with such lies this night.

Wait Greta, you mean to say they all told you gals that same story 'bout the blindness and whatnot?! Well I'll be damned... again. Provin' that shite wrong each and every night now though, ain't we?

At 9:10 PM, Blogger Ari said...

I'm glad God chose you to tell how rainbows were invented. :)



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