Friday, October 21, 2005

The Grin in the Dark

Success!!! Latigo Flint has finally located the tiny muscle that when properly flexed, turns the white part of your eye completely black.

The effect is demonic and cruel. It tends to horrify anyone who witnesses it. I call it The Grin in the Dark. I use it on people who annoy me. What I do is stare at the ground, slouching a bit with dangling arms and all my weight on one leg--then slowly raise my head.

"Baby," I say in a low, cold voice. "Don't you know I'm the grin in the dark?"

Then I turn the white part of my eyes completely black and repeat it with a snarl:
"I'm the grin in the dark!"

It turns people numb with fear and causes an immediate loss of motor function. I don't ever use The Grin in the Dark on puppies or children, no matter how much they deserve it. I'm no monster, just an old time pistolero born many years too late. A blazing-handed gunslinger hopelessly out of time and near the very end of sanity's slide.

Today I visited a local chain restaurant for a burrito and a beer. My order number was 54. It was printed in red ink across the bottom of my receipt. I stood there next to the salsa garden for a full fifteen minutes, watching order numbers 55 through 77 happily receive their food. Finally I could stand it no longer and approached the counter. I fixed the girl behind the microphone with a piercing stare.
I said in a low cold voice. "Don't you know I'm the grin in the dark?"

Then I turned my scleras completely black and repeated it with a snarl. "I'm the grin in the dark!"

The color drained from her face. She crossed herself and took a stumbling step back, colliding with a co-worker and causing him to drop his tray. The burrito splattered all over the checkered floor. The three of us stared at it for a moment. I allowed the outer part of my eyes to turn back to white.
"That was order number fifty-four, wasn't it?"

The girl behind the counter looked at me then at the splattered burrito then at her co-worker. The co-worker looked at her then at the splattered burrito then at the order slip.
"Fifty-four." He told the girl. The girl looked back at me.
"Yes sir, it's fifty-four. We'll re-make it for you right away, just please don't do that thing again."

"You mean The Grin in the Dark?" I asked.

"The horrible all-black eye thing." She replied.

"Yeah," I said nodding. "The Grin in the Dark."

"Whatever, just please don't do it anymore."

I stared at the splattered burrito and sighed. "Scoop the fuckin' thing back on the plate and hand it here."

"Are you sure sir? It's been on the floor!"

"Do you want more Grin in the Dark, or do I get my burrito now?"

She shot to the floor, scooped the burrito onto the plate in one swift motion and stretched up her arm to hand it to me. "Thank you sir, enjoy your meal."

I accepted it with a curt nod and walked to a far corner table where I proceeded to devour it with surly gusto between grumbled oaths.

"Hey Burrito," I said when it was half-gone. "Did you know I'm the grin in the dark?" The burrito didn't respond. "Well I am." I said and proved it.


At 5:50 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Puppies and children should be eternally gratefull that you don't use TGITD on them, sure sounds scary.

At 6:28 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

Too often our best moments are wasted on the unworthy and the inanimate.

At 6:44 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

Congratulations, Latigo. And just in time for Halloween!

You can take some kids trick-or-treating. Claim you're their "chaperone." Unleash the Grin in the Dark. Collect much candy and possibly money. Or get shot--that's certainly a possibility.

(It seems I've suggested something like this scheme before. But if an idea is good once, it's good a hundred times, I say! Just try to avoid branching out into pickpocketing and becoming another Fagin. He couldn't quick-draw and was not dead sexy.)

At 10:47 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

and then it gave you food poisoning.

do you practice the grin in the dark along with the light switch flipping on and off trick that you do? that would make for a nice effect i should think.

At 11:59 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i thought grin in the dark was the crack of the ass. i'm such a tool.

At 12:20 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

You seem tro be talking to inanimate objects more and more LF, you are starting to worry me slightly.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

I smell a new technique to try out on the CSBG.

Or is that habaƱero sauce?

At 3:39 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Geez. I bet you could frighten the bejeesus out of an enchilda. Even a whole enchilada.

At 5:31 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I thought I posted something here Lats, but it doesn't seem to be appearing. The jist of it was finding another small muscle that releases swarms of flies out of your mouth. It's lost forever in the sands of time now, I suppose

At 5:57 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Black-eyed piece.

At 6:23 PM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

For once in my life, I agree with Blogho. He IS a tool.

At 7:18 PM, Blogger greta said...

Latigo Flint: Satanic burrito-baiter... I'm very afraid. And a teensy bit turned on. Is that wrong?

At 7:37 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Are you sure you don't want to try that on children? I have some entirely worthy candidates. I can have them delivered to you already bound by duct tape to a chair. For whatever reason, UPS doesn't seem to mind.

At 10:04 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Yeah, I think you should run workshops for teachers on how to do that. Fuck propriety.... unleash the terror.

Hell, now you don't even have to touch iron. You can just shuck your very eyeballs.

At 5:19 PM, Blogger Sharon said...

Er...remind me not to take you out to dinner, ever.

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

So, in terms of talking your way out of a speeding ticket, would you say the grin in the dark is more or less effective than flashing your boobs?

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Peter, I'm not going to lie to you... it is pretty damn scary.

I agree Monkeypotpie. I am at this very moment stroking my chin, sipping my beer and nodding in full agreement.

Ah, I don't know Slarrow... Ben Kingsley's Fagin has a certain bestial sexiness to him.

Oh Tabitha Jane, so we've known each other at least that long, huh? I think you know there is little doubt I practice both of those and more in darkened bathrooms.

Some phrases mean different things in different cultures Ho.

Starting to worry you TSP?! As in, just now have you become worried whereas only days before you weren't?!!!

It is neither DMor. I'm out of habaƱero sauce and the cute starbucks barista has built up an immunity to the Grin in the Dark.

And sometimes a combo plate with two Old Hoss... Sometimes a combo plate with two.

Those fuckin' sands of time Trevor Record... They're wretched and cruel and they take the best we have without even a please or thank you. I'm very mad at those sands, and will defeat them before it's all over.

Oof LBB. Oof.

War the Ho at your own peril Macek.

Greta, in fact there can be nothing more right than to be turned on by Latigo Flint. I have decided this is the steady truth by which all steady truths shall be eternally judged.

Amandarama, there are no bad students, just under-paid teachers.

My eyes have always been extremely powerful Ari, they have just recently become even more so.

Would you ever have anyway Sharon? If yes, or even maybe, then I'll consider purchasing sunglasses.

Cindy-Lou, anytime you comment it's a fifty/fifty proposition I'm going to have to take a cold shower... Odds significantly higher if you type the word "boobs".

At 4:19 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

yes, you are as magnificent a bastard as LBB. (I just read your comment on his last post).


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