Monday, October 17, 2005

Lunacy and Compassion in a Freezing Rain

Today thunderstorms lashed Los Angeles like a dangling martyr. Latigo Flint, being the wise cowboy that he is, planned to spend the entire day holed up in his tiny studio apartment reading pulp westerns and drinking heavily. But 'round about two-thirty found himself tormented by the horrible feeling that somewhere out there in the storm's fury, Hollywood starlets Jena Malone and Scarlett Johansson were getting drenched and in danger of catching the sniffles. So Latigo Flint donned a leather duster, tugged his hat low across his brow and set out to rescue them.

Latigo Flint broke onto a dozen studio backlots and trudged silently down the replicated streets of the world. It's raining on New York. It's raining on Belfast. It's raining on a prison drama and Jaws is getting wetter.

But I didn't find a single trace of Hollywood starlets, Jena Malone and Scarlett Johansson on any of the studio backlots. It was time for Plan B.

Plan B consisted of running through the streets of residential Beverly Hills with a thermos of chicken soup and a handful of Day-Quil LiquiCaps, screaming their names at the top of my lungs.

I was half-blind, had completely lost my voice and was sneezing rather violently when the dogs were set on me. I beat one of the curs to death with the thermos of chicken soup, but the rest dragged me down and started savaging my arteries. I swallowed all the DayQuil capsules and bit them right back.

The first paramedic on the scene was female and young. I collapsed in her arms, bloody and trembling, and tried to lick her neck while she bound my wounds. She gently taped my red mouth shut, brushed the matted hair from my eyes and whispered that everything was going to be okay.

And through it all the rain came down.

10 Comments:

At 3:53 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Ya gotta start takin' more water with it Latigo, if you keep gallopin' out in the rain lookin' for Jena and Scarlett they'll set more than the dogs on you.

 
At 6:35 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

How do you explain to others the cries you hear in your sleep? When you know a loved one (or beautiful, helpless starlet) is in trouble can you ignore their cries and stay home, safe and warm? Of course not. I think you did right and the world is wrong.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger fourth_fret said...

you handled the dogs completely wrong my friend. it would have been better to pour the nyquil down their throats... but i'm sure it is a lesson learned. ;)

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

jena jamison would have been more facile. faciler.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

you beat a dog with a thermos? Man, that's cool.

R.I.P., Fido!

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I don't understand why you never remember to shuck iron. Are those pearl-handled six shooters just for display?

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Hoss has got a point. You don't shuck iron like you were doing a few months back. I'm not even gonna go into what Freudian entendres may be present there (however you did just jubilantly joust joyously so maybe not).

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Ithiel said...

Despite your tireless efforts, Hollywood starlets Jenna Malone and Scarlett Johansson are in danger of sniffles. But that's OK, because the first paramedic on the scene was of the young and female variety.

Latigo Flint: Champion of Hollywood Starlets, swaying from bloodloss in a tattered rainsoaked leather duster, probobly still managed to look dead sexy to said EMT. Way to go Latigo.

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Did you at least get the cute paramedic's phone number?

 
At 12:07 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

They'll do what they must Peter, and I'll do the same. I'm powerless to resist drunken notions that Jena Malone and Scarlett Johansson need my help. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Yes, exactly Monkeypotpie, thank you. This dern world--always being so wrong and cruel and stuff. Fuckin' Grrrr, know what I'm sayin'?

The DayQuil was in LiquiCap form Fourth Fret. I would have needed to break each one open and carefully pool the liquid in my cupped hand. Not exactly an option when vicious dogs are chewing for your femoral.

Ah, you're probably right Ho. So be it though, can't very well change who I am.

It's a damn shame I was weeping and frightened at the time LBB. That sort of thing doesn't look very manly on the playback.

Old Hoss, I don't want to disappoint any recent readers, but there is a slim chance I pack authentic replica colt peacemakers in my hand-tooled elk-hide holsters.

Between you and me Ari, there's a very good chance Latigo is at the absolute end of sanity's rope and shudders and twitches all the time now. One year and then some... How weak he turned out to be in the end.

She was some sort of angel Ithiel.

I didn't say that she was cute Amandarama, only that she was young.

 

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