Monday, February 06, 2006

Kid Relish: The Birth of Fury

For as long as we've had ale, we've had all kinds of drunks. Some are jolly and some are sad. Some sing songs and some lecture stools. But never has there been a drunk quite as savage as my relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish. Now I'm Latigo Flint--I'm the quickest quickdraw the world has ever known, and I'm pretty goddamn brave if I do say so--but I've looked up from billiard tables at the sound of commotion by the bar, and have seen things that haunt me to this day.


Kid Relish was born in silence; pulled from his expired mother's cooling womb by a softly weeping nurse. He snarled at the light, and when the nurse clutched him to her breast, he pissed on her smock and clawed at her eyes. Kid Relish had to be separated from the other newborns in the nursery. Later that night, the resident doctor gave him the name that would stick.
"I've never seen a kid truly relish an act of malice quite like this one does." The doctor commented after watching The Kid bloody the nose of his fifth nurse that hour. "Fine, no little blue hat and booties for him--I hope the little bastard freezes."

But the infant Kid Relish didn't freeze, his fury kept him warm. At the age of ten he was introduced to booze and two perfect monsters found each other.

Last night The Kid and I were drinking in a bar just outside Burbank when a man twice Kid's size made the mistake of leaning over Kid's beer to grab a handful of mini-pretzels.
"Your ears are smelly!" Kid hollered in his ear. "You have smelly ears."
Now perhaps the man was self-conscious about earwax, or maybe he just didn't like being shouted at by people shorter than him. Whatever the reason, he shoved Kid to the floor and stood over him when he should have been running.

Kid Relish got up and smiled at the man with what could only be described as joy.
"I'm going to tear out your throat with a greasy fork." Kid said. "Then dump your body in a ditch and let them blame your death on wolves."
The man laughed. "There aren't any wolves in Los Angeles."
Kid Relish solemnly pointed behind him. "Oh yeah, then what the hell is that?!"
And when the man turned to look, Kid hit him in the temple with a pipe wrench.

I intervened at that point and it's a good thing I did, 'cause The Kid was already reaching for a greasy fork.

"Latigo, there are wolves in LA." Kid Relish whispered to me later as we stood in the alley outside the bar, sharing a smoke and watching cops stop cars. "And when I stare at people they believe--why do you think they always look when I point?"

Kid took a drag off his cigarette and glanced up at me.
"Know what I'm sayin'?"
I nodded. "Yeah Kid, I do."

Then the bars closed and the Denny's filled and Clorox was poured on the places blood spilled.


At 1:10 AM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

I thought I asked you never to speak of that. That nurse had something in her eye--I was just trying to take it out for her. (Her eye of course.)

I'm going to kill you one of these days Latigo Flint.

At 6:14 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

Latigo, does the legal term "accessory" ever worry you when you're running around with the Kid? Once upon a time it was understood that a man took certain risks upon himself when he confronted other men, but our legal system is just oh-so-picky these days.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger Berlinbound said...

"Kid Relish was born in silence; pulled from his expired mother's cooling womb by a softly weeping nurse. He snarled at the light, and when the nurse clutched him to her breast, he pissed on her smock and tried to claw at her eyes."

I know screenwriters in Los Angeles who would commit heinous and otherwise illegal acts, just to claim those words as their own … I’ve never heard of Kid Relish and I don’t want to meet him, in a bar in Burbank or anywhere else.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Kee-rist! What's he drinkin', MD 20-20?

The wolves have almost reached Oregon. California is not that far away. Watch your throat.

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

sounds like the kid found somthing in the bottom of a bottle, but I'll bet you it wasn't Jesus.

At 9:31 PM, Blogger Peter said...

Are Kid Relish and Agent Orange synonomous by any chance?

At 11:25 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I know Kid--I've seen it in a vision. I just hope it'll be later rather than sooner.

Slarrow, accessory to crime is actually the least of my concerns when I'm running around with the Kid. He's the first person I've ever met who tends to use random violence as a diversion to allow him to commit even more random violence, usually upon his friends, and/or puppies. He is a very dangerous young man.

Thank you Berlinbound. Yeah, screenwriters in Los Angeles are a savage lot. These days I've taken to maiming anyone in line carrying a Powerbook in a shoulder bag before placing my Starbucks order. I'm a very eloquent coffee orderer and I've been plagiarized in enough coffee-ordering scenes to know better by now.

The wolves are here Old Hoss--I see 'em out my window sometimes. They musta hitched down the 5.

Doesn't stop us from looking though Cad, now does it?

There are certainly some eerie similarities Peter. They've both been known to cause birth defects, and Kid did just have a urological disorder named after him.

At 11:35 AM, Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Lecturing stools brings odd visuals... "Bad Turd, what did I tell you?"


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