Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Ancients

The Ancients believed that every tree in the forest had two stories to tell: The one you heard with your ears, if you took the time to listen. And the one you felt with your skull if the tree toppled over and fell on you when you weren't looking. The Ancients were pretty insightful.

The Ancients knew that Brother Coyote had as much right to the mountain as they. They also knew he couldn't be trusted not to devour unattended infants. Today whenever coyotes come across an unattended infant and devour it, somewhere the spirit of an Ancient is saying: "Well hell, I could have told you that would happen."

The Ancients didn't take sunrises for granted, and gave each one a new name. Overcast mornings made them uneasy--and rightfully so.

Every once in a while one of the Ancients would jump up and try to force the other Ancients to do things the way he thought they should be done. They didn't pay him much mind though--they knew sooner or later all his racket would attract a bear.

Fire was no mystery to the Ancients. When small things burned it was okay to get close--when large things went up it was time to run away. Lightning was not to be trusted.

Sometimes the Ancients would walk for a while and then realize they didn't know where they were. They didn't waste time blaming each other--even though they all felt like it--they just reversed their steps until they saw a landmark they recognized. Often they'd be attacked by cougars though.

For a long time the Ancients had no need for the concept of zero. One might not have any goats, but that didn't mean he didn't have some grain. Or a hide. Or a pebble. It was actually the last Ancient who invented the concept of zero. One day he noticed that trees had toppled over and landed on all the other Ancients. "Splendid." He thought. "More fish for me." But then he wondered who would eat the fish if a tree should land on him.

(The first Ancient to pleasure himself did it entirely by accident. Some mud had splashed on it, which he was trying to brush off-- the result made for a remarkable day.)


At 4:51 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

I shall pass on your details to the Ancient Concept Of Zero Multi Disciplinary Research Seminar. From what I gather from your paper, the concept of zero is necessary for the concept of racial exstinction, or genocide, or one's own death, or a bad business idea for a fish restuarant.

At 6:21 AM, Blogger Mary Lewys said...

Just when I think you cannot make me love you more, you do this.


At 6:35 AM, Blogger Isaac said...

How very insightful. You are on fire this week, gunslinger.

And obviously, you write better than I do.

At 7:42 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

The amazing thing is that Latigo Flint is aware of the wisdom of the Ancients, since they're clearly extinct and just don't seem the writing-stuff-down kind of guys to me. ("Why write it down? You'll just lose it sooner or later." See, that sounds like Wisdom of Ancients to me.)

Of course, when a man is raised by wolves and is the Grin in the Dark, it probably means he can talk to ghosts and learn this kind of stuff. (Or drink a lot and make it up; that works too.)

At 4:16 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Has the story of the splashed mud and brushing of same been fully documented Latigo? just askin'

At 7:27 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

The Ancients were right. There are always two sides to everything - hell, just the other day I knew that when I finished the whiskey bottle the moment would live on the next day with the hangover, draped around my head like the ghost of Jack Daniels.

At 9:44 AM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Zero is an integral part of my day-to-day mental calculations

Thanks, Last Ancient!

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Whoa, man. I'm going to be an Ancient for Halloween. I think I'll reenact the first self-pleasuring.

At 12:42 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Are these the same Ancients who failed to invent fire?

At 11:57 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

The first ancient's entry into self abuse could have been worse. At least it didn't happen at the waterslide park by accident, in front of several little girls from your grade 5 class. That is no way to start your career as an onanist, no sir. Er, not that this happened to me.

At 11:29 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Donde estas, Amigo?

At 12:42 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Splendid Helga Von Porno, they can use all the help they can get. (Their theories are way off, you know.) It's all that and more.

You tell me what it was about this that made you love me more, Mary Lewys, and I'll redouble my efforts. (Being loved more than you were before is actually a magnificent feeling as it turns out.)

It went out Isaac, as all fires must. (I'll agree to equally well, and not a penny more.)

Yes, yes! Slarrow. The first part, the part about me being the motherfucking Grin in the motherfucking Dark and also being raised by wolves and being really haunted by things--often waters, sometimes basil--that's the correct one!!!

Oh it has Peter... over and over and over.

You should probably move to LA Amandarama. That's what I've decided. Your husband can come too. He and I will become friends and each have someone to drink with and watch the game, and then every night we'll flip a coin for the bed with you. (This is a good plan. I come up with the best plans I've ever heard.)

He's dead now Paula, the last Ancient. I'm glad it wasn't in vain.

Way ahead of you LBB. (There's a double meaning in there somewhere--but it just keeps slipping out my grasp.)

I don't know Old Hoss... was there a guy named Frupples around back when you and your buddies invented fire? ('Cause one of these Ancients was named Frupples.)

Great word Trevor Record! (Yeah, I had to Google it, you wanna make something of it?!) Did you tell them you had badly injured it and you needed a hair scrunchie to use as a tourniquet? (Not that I did that my first, second, and sixteenth times or anything.)

I messed up LBB--I was struck numb when I accidentally glanced down into the savage maw of a wasted life. I'm feeling much better now.


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