Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Orange Eyes in the Night

Those sneaky history revisionists sometimes like to claim that Latigo Flint's eyes don't glow orange in the night like a puma's if you shine a flashlight at his face as he's stalking through the undergrowth.

But Latigo Flint knows those people are either liars or badly misinformed because this one time Latigo Flint rigged up a camcorder with a flashlight and recorded several passes of himself stalking through the undergrowth, and on playback his eyes were glowing orange like a puma's every single time.

So now whenever Latigo Flint hears that someone is going around claiming that Latigo Flint's eyes don't glow orange in the night like a puma's, he sends them a DVD of that footage along with a terse letter to the effect of:


To Whom it May Concern,

It has recently come to Latigo Flint's attention that you have on one or more occasions publicly stated that Latigo Flint's eyes don't glow orange in the night like a puma's if you shine a flashlight at his face while he's stalking through the undergrowth.

The enclosed footage should more than prove your folly. Claim it again and I promise we'll meet under circumstances you'll most likely find appalling--such as at night, near undergrowth, when all you have is a flashlight and a limited supply of blood.

Savagely yours,

-LF


Usually they recant and it's the best choice they ever made.

Sometimes though they repeat their lies and then on a not-to-distant night Latigo Flint shows up to overturn their garbage cans, messily devour their poodle and pee on their backyard fence. And if they run out of their house with a flashlight to see what on earth is overturning their garbage cans/eating their poodle/peeing on their backyard fence, then they are met by a pair of glowing orange eyes and then screams rend the Burbank night that are heard all the way to Encino.


(Having glowing orange eyes like a puma is sexy; everyone in Los Angeles thinks so. It's the second most popular augmentation, surpassed only by breasts don't you know.)

7 Comments:

At 12:09 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Your puma eyes are bested only by your written words, LF.

That came off awfully queer. Hold on.

Sweet-ass sweet puma eyes, brah.

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

Sorry to be fastidious, but surely genuine orange glowing eyes would glow orange whether a flashlight was aimed at them or not.

 
At 10:40 AM, Anonymous MrVisible said...

"...and I promise we'll meet under circumstances you'll most likely find appalling--such as at night, near undergrowth, when all you have is a flashlight and a limited supply of blood."

When I read that, something primal deep inside me got the instant urge to roll over, pant submissively, and pee myself.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I think that "Savagely yours" is probably the best possible way to end a letter. I'm going to adopt it as my own. Not having any poodles or backyar fences in my modest apartment, I can do this without fear of retribution.

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Do you warn lady friends about that before turning down the lights, or do you just let their instinctive fear of wild things add to the lust-driven swirl of emotions sweeping through their dewy, ready bodies as new-lit candles make sunsets of flame in your eyes?

(Hmm... I wonder if Harlequin is hiring.)

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

People in Eureka say they been hearing some blood-curdling screams lately. Latigo Flint at work, peeing mightily?

 
At 1:56 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thanks dude. I know you aren't trying to get into my puma eye--I know we're both way straighter than that.

Oh that's it Helga Von Porno--I promise we're going to meet now, under circumstances you'll most likely find appalling. See if we don't.

I hope you were able to fight off that urge Mr. Visible. Or at the very least waited until you were alone.

Run with it Trevor Record. It's yours if anything was.

Okay Ari, that was pretty hot right there--in fact I may or may not have just humped my chair.

No Old Hoss, people in Eureka are just crazy.

 

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