Friday, July 07, 2006

Alternative Energy Sources

Many top scientists agree--Latigo Flint's Handy Field Guide to Alternative Energy Sources deserves a second look.

And who are we to argue with many top scientists?

From the archives - 2/5/06


Latigo Flint's Handy Field Guide to Alternative Energy Sources
by Latigo Flint

Wind Power:
How does it work?
Cover a windy hill with propellers on poles. The wind turns the blades, which spins the shaft, which connects to a generator and electricity is produced.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: Occasionally decapitates endangered birds.

Hydroelectric Power:
How does it work?
Dam up a water source and concentrate the flow past turbines, which connect to a generator and produces electricity.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: A substantial rise in recreational boating accidents. And pisses the hell out of turtles.

Solar Power:
How does it work?
Banks of photovoltaic cells capture energy from sunlight and convert it to electricity.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: Is considered a really "nerdy" way to generate power and Canada and Mexico make fun of us for using it. Also if it's overcast for too long, your milk goes bad and you can't download porn.

Geothermal Power:
How does it work?
Sink a shaft in a region where constant volcanic activity results in super-heated water near the surface. Pipe the water up and use the concentrated steam to spin turbines, which connect to a generator and produces electricity.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: Is tantamount to giving Mother Earth a wet-willy and you just know that's gonna make her angry at some point. Also sometimes the brackets on the surface pipes fail and boiling water squirts into the nests of nearby endangered birds.

Solar Power Satellites:
How does it work?
Massive arrays of solar panels in geosynchronous* orbit around the earth capture solar energy 24 hours a day, convert it microwaves, which are beamed down to receiver stations on Earth and converted back into electricity.
(*Always stays above the same spot on Earth because it orbits the equator at such a distance that it's traveling at the same speed the earth spins.)

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: You just know eventually some asshole is going to hack the controls, intensify the beam and use it to demolish New York and/or point it at the nests of endangered birds.

Hydrogen Fuel Cells:
How does it work?
Layers of materials with distinct electrochemical properties are pressed together to form a single galvanic cell, which is then dipped in otter urine. Then some other stuff happens and eventually somewhere a turbine probably spins.

Benefits: Relatively clean, renewable energy, sort of.
Downside: Top speed of a fuel cell car maxes out at 55, downhill, and at stoplights male otters run up and try to hump the hood.

How does it work?
Vegetable oil is extracted from vegetables and replaces petroleum fuels to power existing internal combustion engines.

Benefits: Makes millions of hippies giddy with joy.
Downside: Sure, today it's corn oil, but tomorrow it'll be baby oil (the oil of smushed up babies) and soon it'll be the oil from the eyeballs of endangered birds--we all know how these things go.

Tidal Energy:
How does it work?
The constant ebb and flow of the ocean's tides are used to drive a turbine, which is connected to a generator and produces electricity.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: Frequent kelp blockage, and rotting kelp smells bad.

Whale Energy:
How does it work?
High frequency underwater speakers positioned along whales' migratory paths use shrill blasts of sound to herd the confused giants into submerged corrals, where in their panic, they bump into turbines, which are connected to generators and electricity is produced.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: PETA assassinates anyone who dares to even mention Whale Energy.

Turbine Energy:
How does it work?
Teams of harnessed poodles pull giant turbines up a really steep hill. Then the turbines are rolled back down the hill where they bonk into the blades of even bigger turbines, which are connected to generators and produce electricity.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy.
Downside: Turbine energy actually has no downside.

How does it work?
It is a fundamental principle of the universe that every particle must have a corresponding "anti-particle" and electricity particles are no different. Anti-electricity, otherwise known as the Buellerian Principle of Backwards Relativity, is generated by running household appliances backwards, routing the positive gain back into the power grid.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy that's as fun to generate as it is to use.
Downside: Matthew Broderick holds the patent and he's being a real dick in the royalty negotiation process.

Drinking Alone in a Room With All the Lights Off, Belching Against the Blades of a Small Turbine Until You Pass Out Energy:
How does it work?
You drink alone in a room with all the lights off and belch against the blades of a small turbine until you pass out. When you wake up, repeat.

Benefits: Clean, renewable energy... kinda.
Downside: Oh, I don't really remember, but there's probably one or two.


At 10:47 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Nervous Energy: Find nervous person. Tell them something unsettling. Wire their wildly tapping toe to the power grid.
Pros: Clean, renewable energy.
Cons: Rolling white-outs in New York and LA as supply exceeds deman and all the excess electricity causes an almost divine light to dazzle everyone from their fridge lights. Hot, shattered bulb glass in the butter is a hazard to ejoyers of butter.
Con: Doesn't work in Jamaica.

At 12:16 AM, Blogger Mom of Three said...

Panic-Attack Energy:

Take my mother-in-law, let the grandchildren do ANYTHING but eat junk food in front of the TV and measure the panic attack, I dunno, using a turbine, or something.

Hells Bells, just the irritating buzz I felt from her constant palpitations could have powered Seattle.

At 1:06 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I always knew you were a great author, but I never knew you were such an accomplished engineer, too.

I like to think of the Middle East as "alternative" energy: as an alternative, we neutron bomb the civilians out of existence and steal the oil for ourselves.

At 5:36 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

I already tried turbine power from the original post, and I'd like to report that there is a downside. Seems you can't train a poodle to drag turbines to the top of a hill without embueing them with a voracious appitite for endangered species of birds.

At 2:18 PM, Blogger The Heir said...

Natural Gas: Provide d-grade male university students with free food, namely beans, and then lock them in a air tight chamber for three days until they are all dead from poisonous gasses. Then toss in a match and the resulting explosion turns turbines producing electricity and incinerates the bodies so you don't have several hundred pounds of dead meat on your hands.
Benefits: Semi-clean, not really renewable energy. Gets rid of dumb students wasting the unioversities time.
Down side: May run out of beans at some point in the future and the fumes may kill off nearby endangered birds.

At 10:29 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

That's all very comprehensive.

Currently, I'm working with a variant on tidal power, but it involves getting homeless people drunk on Ripple and vomitting on turbines. I've also given them fake social security numbers. For fake tax purposes.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

We take all 30,000,000 b**ggers and turn their typing into stroking mini-turbines on their computers.

Result: Clean energy, except for drunks who hurl on the keyboard.

Downside: Some people type faster than others, so the power supply is sporadic.

Upside: Fewer real b**gs, saving my time in reading that shit.

At 10:49 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

These are spectacular additions. Thank you. Together we shall make this world a better place.

At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

METOZ will be able to create A NEW KIND OF CLEAN ENERGY.
My idea is very difficult for understanding. It is not difficult for engineer - mechanic, who knows very good the Pascal’s law and even-arm lever.

The entire world is looking for a source of clean energy. I have discovered a certain paradox basing on which a machine called METOZ can be built which by harnessing the gravitation of our EARTH can produce clean energy.
The energy producing process is demonstrated in:
and can be very easily confirmed by an experiment.
I am also in possession of a set of calculations which prove that the METOZ machine:
1/ does not consume water / 39 A5-pictures /;
2/ does not consume compressed air / 39 A5-pictures /;
3/ produces energy to the outside = 4 839 kGm during a „swing cycle” /39 A5-pictures /;
/ this is a „weight cycle” = the centre of gravity of the water in the METOZ machine sinks ( downward movement ) /
4/ energy is produced / released to the outside = 44 600 kGm during the „straightening cycle” / 39 A5-pictures /.
/ this is a “pressure cycle” = the water mass centre of gravity inside the METOZ machine travels upwards (upward movement) /
Features: 1/; 2/; 3/; 4/, of the machine owing to appropriate dimensions of individual elements of the lever mechanism.
The METOZ has an even-arm lever of a 1.72 m length. The centre of gravity of the lever lies beneath the lever suspension point. The METOZ is equipped with two cylinders of a 1.6 m diameter each. Piston sidewalls do not contact directly with cylinder walls. The lever swing changes between 0 and 25 dgr
Figures ( 3 x 13 x 4 = 156 ) present temporary, consecutive action situations at intervals of . The middle figure presents the machine and the side figures the position of the left and right cylinder and the mathematical description of these situations.
In the past I have made two models, which confirmed the legitimacy of my theoretical assumptions concerning the METOZ machine. I have got photographs.
I am looking for a person who would be interested in my invention. I can offer ample information. I look forward to hearing from you.

13 - 03 -2005 Gdynia, Polska Zygmunt Orłowski
P.S. The term “gravitational paradox” use in this description relates to the mathematical and physical description of the action of the METOZ-machine.


Orlowski Zygmunt
Poland 2005
index html
“METOZ” is able to realize the cycle “deflection” and the cycle “straighening.” Both cycles are in accordance with current physic’s laws. “METOZ” as machine can not work and hand over the energy because it would be inconsonant to the law of conservation of energy.
I propose to execute the following intelectual process:
we have found ourselves in the Europe of XVII century. We know the trigonometry in the scope of being occured for “METOZ.” We know what is the even-arm lever and moment of force too. Just appeears Mr. Baise Pascal / 1623–1662/ and he publishes his hydraulics law with adequated experiment. All thinkers are sure that this law is correct and quite real. This time someone invents machine “METOZ”. Now turn up the following questions:
1/ why the implementation of the cycle “deflection” is impossible?
2/ why the implementation of the cycle “straightening” is impossible?Both groups: opponents and followers of bulding “METOZ” live in XVII–th century and they not know that:
a/ the idea of an “energy” will be introduced into science scarlerly in mid. of XIX century,
b/ the law of conservation of the energy will be exist scarlerly after 1847 y.
Please open GOOgle and klick metozor and after : index of metozor At is site that explains technical details in easy to understand language. example : or
Everyone is able to build just the model of METOZ machine and test it. Please, have a look at Perhaps METOZ is some duplicating machine of a clean energy.
I am inventor and owner of Metoz machine invention. Everyone can take absolutely and legitimate the METOZ invention and build the Metoz machine. I can help only. I can not build METOZ. I am moneyless. Thank you for your time and interest.

At 3:40 PM, Blogger Rob said...


Publish a really funny piece on alternative energy sources and open comments box. Await arrival of perpetual-motion-machine spam wacko. Collect huge tonnage of WURDZ left by wacko. Let team of people read WURDZ and laugh themselves shitless. Collect shit, dry, and burn to provide energy.

Upside: infinite supply of wackos, infinitely funny. so supply of shitfuel never runs out.

Downside: METOZ-man comes round with a bunch of his Polish buddies and whack the crap out of you with endangered-bird-filled pierogi.

At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is something METOZ about.
Thanks for understanding.
The conception of an energy is discreate one to the same as a imbecility. No one has seen the energy and no one has seen the imbecility. We are able to observe results of the energy and imbecility. At present we have got to few energy because we have got to much imbecility.
Thank you for your time and interest.


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