Wednesday, August 16, 2006

True Western Truth #127

In the Brutal American Old West there were really only four ways to die alone out in the snow if your horse broke his leg on a mountain pass and then a early winter storm blew in:

1) With a smiley face next to your frozen corpse, sketched in snow with your own urine.

2) With a frowny face next to your frozen corpse, sketched in snow with your own urine.

3) With a single word next to your frozen corpse, scrawled in snow with your own urine.

4) Nothing at all sketched or scrawled in snow next to your frozen corpse.

They remembered you fondest as the darkly humorous old coot you were if you opted for #1. They told better stories about your life if you opted for #3, as long as it was something good, like: "drat" or "flapjacks" or "ouch" or "Lucy". If you went with #4 you were forgotten by Christmas.

("What a fuckin' whiner--like the rest of us don't have troubles too." Was about all you could expect if you chose #2.)


At 11:02 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

There'snow way I'd urinate something legible in the manner you described.

(You asked for this one by your response to my last comment, Latigo Flint.)

At 11:03 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I hate myself just a little bit right now.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

If I had to try and write something in the snow in my own urine before I died, I'd have to pee in a cup first and then find a branch or something to paint the urine onto the snow. And if I had that much energy, then I'm probably not really going to die.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Amandarama, you've got it: with a stick! Of course! I'd have to manage it the same way but I was thinking of how a man could "scrawl" his urine word into the snow and couldn't think of anything that didn't make me wince. (Membranes etc. and scrawl are two words that only desperate* circumstances should bring together) And besides the nib would be shorter in these low temperatures, wouldn't they?

A stick is clearly the answer, provided the dier could claw his half-frozen self over the snow to a sticky copse, (or copse with sticks therein).

*Imminent death and being oblivious to physical pain, might be such circumstances, right enough.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

The last thought of a Wild Westerner who'd embraced the idea of reincarnation might be a piddled elipsis, but that would provide 5 options and he might be dead before he'd considered them all.

Wild animals peeing willy nilly could wreck his message too and cause it to become mistranslated. One can only hope this would not leave a word so shocking that even his family would disown him. A word like "toggle".

The horse, meanwhile, might have pee-ed out an incriminatory "red rum".

At 12:52 AM, Anonymous tin40 said...

That was funny! Can't help but think how could you possibly sketch something on snow with your urine? If only it snows here over our region maybe I should try it.

At 11:51 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I forgive you LBB. (I know all too well what self-loathing smells like.)

Well Amandarama, that's why your kind wasn't welcome in the squinty-eyed old west--all clever and problem-solvey and whatnot--no room for that in a Man's World.

Fine Sam, talk to my friends, not me. That's fine... maybe one of them will reply to you then.
(I love you of course, but that in no way diminishes my capacity for hatred.)

You're mighty lucky I adore the state of California, Tin40... 'cause I normally shoot comment spammers in the stomach and sneer as they die moaning, making wriggle-marks in the sand.

At 8:09 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Aha! This comment box works!


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