Tuesday, September 26, 2006

In the Time of Pistols and Sneezes

There was a way to sneeze in the Squinty-eyed American West so as not to accidentally set off a gunfight in a crowded, jittery saloon. Unfortunately it involved pinching your nose and holding it in, and that's just bad for your sinuses is what that is. So, if you got that dangerous tickle, and those intakes of air that went: "ah ah ah..." you were much better off drawing your gun and shooting the meanest man there. Then in the gunsmoke calm, you could sneeze on his corpse and order a whiskey.

Word would soon get around that you were a very dangerous man. If your last name was McGee, folks would start calling you Sneezes. Sneezes McGee; a man not to be trifled with.

***

This epic of a historical document is practically down on its knees begging for more characters... Hiccup Palmer, Farty Cunningham, and of course, Rex "Stomach Gurgles" McGraw--The Abilene Nightmare. But that would just be silly.


(Everyone knows Rex "Stomach Gurgles" McGraw was from El Paso.)

3 Comments:

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous ATD said...

I bet that Farty Cunningham learned to be a fighter in elementary school, when he had to beat up every low-down, tinhorn, name-calling sumbitch what made fun of the name his old mama gave him. And I bet he learned to be a man in high school, when he defended the right to bear a last name that began with 'cunni' what was given him by his old papa. And lastly I reckon he learned to be a gunslinger when he burst through the mouldering batwing doors and let one rip in a dusty old saloon in a rough little town by the Rio Grande.

~ATD

 
At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Strange Forces said...

Don't forget Jack "Crackin'" Nuckols.

Years ago, I lived in a super-cheap group house with four other people. The place was run-down and lacking things like up-to-spec wiring. Thing was, our landlord was _actually_ named Jack Nuckols.

We never missed paying our rent, because no one, NOT NO ONE, wants to cross a man named "Nuckols."

 
At 10:42 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

ATD, I reckon that's exactly how it all went down.

Practically too good to be true Strange Forces, but I do believe you--some things can't be made up. I think a man named Jack Nuckols is probably one of those things.

 

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