The Things That Haunt Me
"Being haunted by things makes you awesome and also sexy."
These words are as true today as they were nearly a year ago.
Being haunted by things and being awesome and also sexy... it's a trail we all can choose to walk--I just chose to walk it longer.
From the archives - October 12, 2005:
Haunted
Being haunted by things makes you awesome and also sexy. This is a steady truth. One which Latigo Flint has come to know, perhaps at a cost that can never be repaid.
Norman Maclean was haunted by waters. See, see?! That's awesome and it's also sexy. Well guess what?--Latigo Flint is haunted by basil!!!
Yeeeeah! Equally sexy ain't it?--to be haunted by basil.
Latigo Flint has decided to compile a comprehensive list of all the things that haunt him so that when he's conversing with goth chicks, college girls and the whitewater rafting guides in bikini tops and cutoff jeans, it won't matter where the conversation goes, he shall always be able to reference something he is haunted by.
So for starters--in addition to being haunted by basil, I am also haunted by soda machines that steal dollars, hangnails and kelp. As well, I am haunted by bagpipes, marigolds, torn dust jackets and eels that hide in holes in the reef.
And yogurt! I'm haunted by yogurt!
Furthermore, I find myself quite severely haunted by stucco, egrets and blood-producing sneezes.
But mostly I'm haunted by you.
In summation, you haunt me.
(Once they discover how haunted he is, the goth chicks, college girls and whitewater rafting guides in bikini tops and cutoff jeans will immediately attempt to sleep with Latigo Flint. Of this there can be little doubt.)
posted by Latigo Flint @ 2:12 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Well basil has never haunted me, you complete wierdo!
Oregano has haunted me though. Some people might say, "NOnononononononononoNO! Sam, that wasn't haunting you, that was REPEATING on you." And perhaps call me an idiot or a wierdo, which I will ignore because I am above all that.
I will then smile a secret smile and refuse to tell them (for they would never understand) that the last time I ate oregano was three weeks prior to the haunting. Which makes it very clearly a haunting and not a digestive bubble, unless you are a complete wierdo of course. Complete wierdos will believe anything. I cross the street to avoid them.
That's oregaaaaahno, mind, not that funny oreeehhgano stuff you wierdo Americans eat. I have no idea whether oreeehgano can haunt a person. Why are you asking me? Why? Why? I don't even know if it is particularly spooky.
Right, so, in summary, the chapters of Latigo Flint's guide to being sexy are:
1. Be raised by wolves but don't let on, occasionally look at the moon etc,
2. Have face eaten off by a bear - preferably in a romantic but tragic situation.
3. Get haunted by herbs
4. Don’t be wrong at starbucks. No really don’t – you are not helping anyone.
PS Being haunted by Basil sent shivers down my spine as “Basil” is a scary fox glove puppet that used to be on a kids TV program when I was young. His catch phase was – “BOOM BOOM” said as his Perspex eyes stared emptily at nothing– terrifying. I won’t sleep well tonight – thanks a lot.
Once they discover how haunted he is, the goth chicks, college girls and whitewater rafting guides in bikini tops and cutoff jeans will immediately attempt to sleep with Latigo Flint. Of this there can be little doubt.
You know, I bet if you start a blog so you can tell them...
:)
I heard they're bringing Basil Brush back. Just as they've outlawed fox-hunting too.
You have no idea how much I look forward to watching you try to cross the street to avoid yourself Sam. There's such a fine line between genius and insanity... rumor has it it's painted on the ground with marshmallow dust.
Hen, when I publish Latigo Flint's Definitive Guide to Being Awesome and Also Sexy you are definitely getting a warm acknowledgement in the acknowledgements section.
Okay Amandarama... did that, tried to tell them... none of them read all that much though. What's a gunslinger to do? (I mean other than die alone of course.)
Post a Comment
<< Home