Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Grin in the Dark

Nearly a year ago, Latigo Flint discovered which muscle to flex to turn the white part of your eyes completely black. It was something of a breakthrough in muscle control and savagery. It probably forever haunts anyone who has the misfortune to witness it.

From the archives - October 21, 2005


The Grin in the Dark

Success!!! Latigo Flint has finally located the tiny muscle that when properly flexed, turns the white part of your eye completely black.

The effect is demonic and cruel. I call it The Grin in the Dark. I use it on people who annoy me. What I do is stare at the ground, slouching a bit with dangling arms and all my weight on one leg--then slowly raise my head.

"Baby," I say in a low, cold voice. "Don't you know I'm the grin in the dark?"

Then I turn the white part of my eyes completely black and repeat it with a snarl:
"I'm the grin in the dark!"

It tends to turn people numb with fear and cause an immediate loss of motor function. I don't ever use The Grin in the Dark on puppies or children, no matter how much they deserve it. I'm no monster, just an old time pistolero born many years too late. A blazing-handed gunslinger hopelessly out of time.

Today I visited a local chain restaurant for a burrito and a beer. My order number was 54. It was printed in red ink across the bottom of my receipt. I stood there next to the salsa garden for a full fifteen minutes, watching order numbers 55 through 77 happily receive their food. Finally I could stand it no longer and stalked toward the counter. I fixed the girl behind the microphone with a piercing stare.
"Baby," I said in a low cold voice. "Don't you know I'm the grin in the dark?"

Then I turned my scleras completely black and repeated it with a snarl. "I'm the grin in the dark!"

The color drained from her face. She crossed herself and took a stumbling step back, colliding with a co-worker, causing him to drop the tray. A burrito landed with a splattery thump on the checkered floor. The three of us stared at it for a moment. I allowed the outer part of my eyes to turn back to white.
"Dang, that was order number fifty-four, wasn't it?"

The girl behind the counter looked at me then at the burrito then to her co-worker. The co-worker looked at her then at the splattered burrito then to the order slip.
"Fifty-four." He told the girl. The girl looked back at me.
"Yes sir, it's fifty-four. We'll re-make it for you right away, just please don't do that thing again."

"You mean The Grin in the Dark?" I asked.

"The horrible all-black eye thing." She replied.

"Yeah," I said nodding. "The Grin in the Dark."

"Whatever, just please don't do it anymore."

I sighed and looked at my splattered burrito. "Scoop it up and hand it here."

"Are you sure sir? It's been on the floor!"

"Do you want more Grin in the Dark, or do I get my burrito now?"

In one swift motion she shot to the floor, scooped the burrito onto the plate and stretched up her arm to hand it to me. "Thank you sir, enjoy your meal."

I accepted it with a curt nod and strode to a far corner table where I proceeded to devour it with surly gusto between mumbled oaths.

"Hey Burrito," I said when it was half-gone. "Do you know I'm the grin in the dark?" The burrito didn't respond. "Well I am." I said and proved it.

The End

9 Comments:

At 9:39 AM, Blogger randommoments said...

Strangely enough, that makes me want a burrito. A big cheesy one.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

See I am pretty sure I can do the same thing, I just have to drink a hell of a lot and somehow there is a magic marker involved.

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger Ari said...

"Baby," I say in a low, cold voice. "Don't you know I'm the grin in the dark?"

This STILL goes to eleven on a ten-point scale of the Hottest Things A Man Can Say, Ever.

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger Ari said...

'Course I think you have to have some demonspawn chromosomes somewhere to be able to blacken sclera. Try it on Goth chicks. They find a touch of demonspawn blood hot hot hot. Maybe forever, if you catch my drift...

{Unholy Synchronicity!?!?! A Type O Negative song just came on! I've got to go find some holy water or tequila, and fast.}

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I know that burrito just shivered in its flimsy tortilla. Did you finish it off?

 
At 12:57 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

Gosh!

 
At 2:08 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Hey Randommoments, are you calling Latigo Flint cheesy?!!! 'Cause that's against the rules. Shocked awe, a sudden flush of excitement, a licking of lips, touching your hair--these are the things that are allowed. Now you know.

Tell me about it TSP. That's like, every night for me. The fun is the next morning when the previous evening has to be deciphered from wounds and clues.

Okay Ari, you are definitely going to be my first character witness if my sexiness ever goes on trial.

(Do I have any demonspawn chromosomes sloshing around in the stew that is me? Baby, I'm the Grin in the Dark... honestly now, what do you think?!!!)

I absolutely ruined that burrito Sam.

Indeed Helga.

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger randommoments said...

Would it make things right if I admitted to doing all those things -- shocked awe, a sudden flush of excitement, a licking of lips, touching your hair -- while eating the big cheesy burrito?

Please forgive me. I think crazy writers are hot...

 
At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Blacklight said...

OMG that is so hillarious!
"grin in the dark" XD XD XD
It's realy spooky and kind of corny.

 

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