Thursday, April 21, 2005

Reclaimed Water

Larry "Loose Sluice" MacKenzie, the recently elected Mayor of the dusty town of Bishop, California, has just offered Latigo Flint the position of Deputy Mayor.

The prospect of being a Deputy Mayor appeals to Latigo Flint. Naturally it's not the same as being a Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger in the American Old West, (curse my 150-years-too-late birth) but there are certain similarities. Gunslingers and Deputy Mayors both have a certain mystery about them. The townspeople have no idea what they're truly capable of, but since no one really wants to find out, Gunslingers and Deputy Mayors are always treated with a cautious respect. And like Gunslingers, Deputy Mayors are allowed to shoot people as long as it's not in the back.

Bishop's Mayor-Elect MacKenzie is directly descended from the Overland MacKenzies, early settlers to the Owens Valley, originally a lush Eden in Eastern California, near the Nevada border. His ancestors braved the treacherous Death Valley crossing and became successful silver miners, agriculture speculators and land owners - and then of course in the early 20th century, William Mulholland, J.B. Lippincott and the newly formed Los Angeles Water Department conspired to turn his family's future from one of wealth and prosperity to one of dusty poverty and vengeful eccentricity.

MacKenzie's Mayoral platform consisted of exactly one issue: The City of Los Angeles is going to give us our friggin' water back, every goddamn drop, or else...

Mayor MacKenzie won in a landslide, with a record turnout reported in Bishop and outlying municipalities. Namely the Town Dump, Smiling Ed's Famous Trout Hatchery, and Jimland, a partially buried doublewide trailer in a gully just outside of town that was proclaimed in the early-nineties to be a sovereign nation by its inhabitant, Shrieking Jim. (Under the accords of the peace treaty, Shrieking Jim gets to vote in Bishop elections provided he never again declares war on the tire pile behind the Shell Station.)

As Deputy Mayor of Bishop, Latigo Flint's first official duty would be to launch Operation Not So Funny When It Happens To You, Is It?! Which would basically consist of sneaking up on Los Angeles residents and knocking the water bottles out of their hands, along with assorted acts of toilet related sabotage.

I have yet to reach a decision. Los Angeles, this wretched, glorious city, is my home and treason doesn't become a Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger. But at the same time, how many chances do we get to be a Deputy Mayor?

I guess I'm going to have to drink on it heavily and give my answer in the morning... the late morning.

(You callin' Latigo Flint a liar?!)


At 6:08 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Accept the position. It won't be treason to knock over peoples' water.

It's not like you'll be spilling anybody's Starbucks.


At 8:58 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

I think it's simple. As a Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger, it's your duty to help the downtrodden, and I think the people of Bishop qualify.

At 8:58 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

I can see it now. Today, deputy mayor of Bishop. Ten years from now, President Flint is swept into office on a platform of a-squintin' and a-slingin' Little girls across the country dream of growing up to be First Lady Starbuck's Cashier.

His political legacy seems assured until Secretary of State Relish is caught on tape throwing scorpions at the UN delegation from Latvia.

At 9:43 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

sounds more like an invasion force than a keepin the peace force.

At 10:12 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Imagine a Los Angeles without the peace-keepin', gun-slingin', eye-squintin', cashier-flirtin', always-ready-to-defend-the-innocent Latigo Flint.

Could you ever sleep again?

Not if I know Latigo Flint like I THINK I know Latigo Flint.

At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Old Horsetail Snake said...

You can do it! I can't wait to see tumbleweeds rolling down Rodeo Drive.

At 11:10 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

Don't accept it.
Sounds like the fine Mayor of Bishop got some mighty fine plans of his own. And LA needs you.

At 11:11 AM, Blogger Myster said...

I don't know... Deputy Mayor, isn't that a desk job? Wouldn't the 9-to-5 drudgery of a government appointment suck some of the romance out of the life of a gunslinger? Don't flourescent lights wash out the rose-tinged sunset glow in which bathes the legend of Latigo Flint? It's hard to remain shrouded in mystery when you have such a well-defined public affiliation. Latigo Flint answers to no man... or does he?

At 6:52 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm pleased to read you're going to be DM. Not Dungeon Master, but Deputy Mayor. Congrats.

I look forward to reading about your first gun-killing while in an official capacity.

At 10:01 PM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

The Mayor of Bishop is Right Flint. LA has all the water it needs in the LA river, and it's perfectly useable. Hell shit water never hurt a lawn, and all the crap that runs in to it may even make the coffie drinkable, no offense. You might consider though, blowing up the acuaduct where it flows through the town of Mohave, turn the place into a paradice then declare your self king.

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Do you get a badge?

Might be worth taking the gig just to have the badge to flash around later. Plus, it would likely match your guns.

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Couldn't he just offer you the position of Sheriff instead? That would seem to be a better fit. Deputy Mayors usually fall in the "minion" or "lackey" categories and that just doesn't seem very you.

At 8:32 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thank you all for leaving a comment on Latigo Flint's post. I'm much obliged.

Latigo Flint has decided not to accept the position of Deputy Mayor of Bishop. (Latigo Flint may or may not have drunkenly overslept and missed his job interview.)

Steve: At this point your comment is moot. As such I've decided, for no particular reason, to take this opportunity to tell you that one of my favorite Dwight Yoakam songs is his cover of Elvis' Suspicious Minds.

I agree with you in principle Ghost Dog - not to mention, the ladies can't resist a man who helps the downtrodden.

Lance, I suspect you may be a professional Weblog Comment Leaver, because that was one of the finest I've ever seen!

But Ho, forty years down the road, what's really the difference between the two?

I think you know me Dave, I think you know me well.

Well Old Hoss, you might want to start buying land in the Owens Valley - I may change my mind you know. Couldn't hurt to at least open a couple Starbucks franchisees up there. If the aqueduct reverses, south to north, this town's gonna empty in a hurry.

Ultimately Rasmus, I discovered I could never leave this wretched, glorious town. You know that one town you have in Denmark that's wretched and glorious? LA is even more so.

Hello Myster. You had it damn-straight all the way up until the ellipsis. That you would even question saddens me greatly.

LBB, old friend I've got bad news there - I guess my killings are going to have to remain unofficial.

My dear old Cad, I don't have to tell you that on several occasions two Owens Valley brothers blew up portions of the newly constructed pipeline.

Ari, my cow-skull bolo-tie already matches my guns.

That's exactly the conclusion I reached Amandarama.


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