Wednesday, April 13, 2005

A Two-Bit Song

Just so you know, that cute Starbucks cashier has zero interest in learning a nifty and catchy song that will help to always remember why a quarter is also called two-bits. Latigo Flint is letting you know this in case you live near where Latigo Flint lives and one of these days you decide to converse flirtatiously with her - Latigo Flint highly recommends a topic other than why a quarter is also called two-bits.

This morning I smiled warmly and placed my drink order. "Three twenty-five." She replied, not bothering to look up. 'Well, I can change that.' I thought to myself.

"Alright, here's thirty-two bits for the pretty gal."

She sighed and took my money. "Out of four -- seventy-five cents is your change."

"And six bits back to me."


But I was the only one in line at the time. "Say Ma'am, do you know why a quarter is also called two-bits?" She looked up at this point but it was only to wrinkle her nose in disgust at me. "Sir, you go over there to pick up your drink."

Squinty-eyed gunslingers live for a challenge so I stayed right where I was. "You know, two-bits... quarter, they're like all synonymous and stuff - know why?"

"Sir, I don't care. Go over to that counter and wait for your drink."

It all became clear to me then. "Oh Ma'am, I understand now. Trust me, you don't have to feel ashamed for not knowing, plenty of people don't. Here, would you like me to teach you a little song that'll help you always remember?"

No need to wait for a reply, of course she would. I launched into it:

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh -
Well our country was off and running
but it soon became quite plain
we had none of our own money
so used silver Reales from Spain

Oh pieces of eight
pieces of eight
you can chop them it's so great
pieces of eight
pieces of eight
Your bits will number eight

Now if you've studied fractions
You soon will understand
That if you had two pieces
You'd have a quarter in your hand

Oh pieces of eight
pieces of eight
you can chop them it's so gre-"

I had to stop at that point because she'd bent the nozzle on the cappuccino machine ninety degrees, and started blasting scorching hot milk into my eyes.

(And it's a damn shame too, 'cause the next four verses were about pirates and migrant Chinese rail workers, respectively, and a spectacular tempo change for the last chorus.)


At 4:50 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

I'd watch out if I were you. I got a feeling Kid Relish might steal this song for the soundtrack to "And So They Fall Beneath the Bludgeonry.", right when the hero knocks the teeth out of the heroine's mouth.

(on a different note, am I the only one that suspects Kid Relish will have something to do with the red haired irish lass?)

At 4:56 AM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

I stand in awe of your writing prowess.

Another one for the history books.

At 7:35 AM, Blogger Myster said...

Flint, your ability to bring American history to vivid, Technicolor life never ceases to amaze me. It's almost as impressive as your seemingly bottomless capacity for heartless rejection. Bravo.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Consarn it, I was hoping you'd get to the part about Pirates and Chinese rail workers.

But thanks for the tip about conversation topics.

At 10:26 AM, Anonymous SpudKing said...

You got the tabs for that Latty? I'd like to play that on my guitar for the perty wimmen in these parts.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

y'know, you might be able to sue those coffee-slingin' bastards.

there just ain't no tellin' what them sidewindin' sons o' bitches are gonna do. who uses steamed milk as a weapon, anyhow?

who? i'll tell ya. commies. fuckin' commies.
read me and weep.

At 11:34 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i think i heard that on a pirate movie once. if this gunslinger thing doesn't work out, you could be a dashing pirate swinging from ... curtain to curtain at the Starbucks.

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Sheesh, I hope the lass had the forethought to use 2% milk. I'm sure she's aware of Latigo Flint's lactose intolerance.

At 1:18 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

to steal from my brother, I think that you should just shoot her in the leg LF. Just shoot her in the leg and then she'll care about what you're telling her.

who do those Barristas think they are, just because they made up a fancy pantsy name for themselves. don't mean they need to be all high and mighty and stuff to you.

At 6:09 PM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

I've found that the best way to get a cute girl to listen to a song is to tie her up and threaten to beat her if she doesn't at least hum along. use your own judgement though.

At 6:23 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Not for nothing, but Starbucks seems hostile to gunslingers.

Why don't you woo a Dunkin' Donuts clerk? What do you think they call them, anyway? Doughnistas?

At 7:42 AM, Blogger Velvet Marauder said...

Best post ever.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Have to agree, it pains me not to have heard the rest of that tune.

Hope your eyes are alright.

At 5:33 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

That is a wise warning Rasmus - one can never be entirely certain what Kid Relish is going to do next.

Thank you Jinx. (But history would have much more to say about me, and all of it reverential, had I been born 150 years earlier.)

Hello Myster. To amaze people is certainly one of the things a squinty-eyed gunslinger aspires to - that it is because of my incredible capacity for rejection is perhaps a bit unfortunate but we take what we can get I suppose.

Those verses were epic Ghost Dog, epic I tells ya!

Powercords Spudking. (Naturally.) Key of G if I recall correctly. When I sober up I'll see if I can find the tablature for you.

I have enough reasons to weep Steff who is apparently a Scribe, but I shall visit nonetheless.

Pirates copulate with each other Ho, everybody knows that. I'm not certain I'm ready to take such a major life step.

Hey goddamn it Dave, shut the hell up with that talk! (Sure, too much milk gives me the sniffles, but I'm not lactose intolerant. Squinty-eyed gunslingers are never lactose intolerant!)

TSP: One of these days I may actually just go ahead and shoot the tsP-brothers in the leg to teach them a little gun wound empathy.

They never forget that though Cad ol boy. And even if they accept your apology later, you're not forgiven. One day out of the blue they'll intentionally wreck your car/kill your best cutting horse... then maybe you're forgiven.

I've chosen a trail LBB. To veer now could only be considered cowardice.

Well Velvet, wouldn't that actually be kinda depressing if it was really true?

I'll live Ari, and thank you.

At 8:44 PM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

LOL! It wasn't that bad, was it?

The funny thing is, I had just worked on a Western movie on my job. I'd been captioning gunslinger lingo all day long.

Sure, they didn't sputter about Commies, but that was just updating it a bit. :P I thought "terrorists" might be even more over the top, though more current. :P


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