Tuesday, April 12, 2005

A Character Plane

So Latigo Flint's relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish, has been significantly less trusty these past few weeks. No doubt about it, he's caught the celluloid fever, the cinema aspiration infection that runs so rampant in this godforsaken town, (see February 14th and March 8th for reference) and it's starting to seriously detract from his sworn sidekickeral duties.

Today Kid Relish shambled up to my doorway, hunched over a steno pad. I watched his furious scribbling with the bemused detachment of a squinty-eyed gunslinger. His pen hand slowed and he spoke.
"Latty, I'm sick and fuckin' tired of all these goddamn character arcs you see in movies. I'm writing a movie with no character arc. It's about a guy who likes viciously beating down random passersby with his titanium pimpstick, so that's what he does. And one day he doesn't beat people with his titanium pimpstick, but not for any particular reason - he just doesn't do it that day. Then the next day he's right back to beating people with his titanium pimpstick."

It's impossible to ever be remotely prepared for anything Kid Relish says. The trick is to repeat part of his statement back to him while you're thinking of a response. "Sick and fuckin' tired of the character arcs huh Kid? Well you know, um, change is kind of like a common thread, uh, running through the fabric of the universe and stuff. Um, so probably on like a subconscious level people relate more to characters that go through some sort of transformation."

He lowered his steno pad and scowled accusatorially at me. "Peter Pan never grew up, he never changed and that's like the favorite story of all time and shit!"

I sighed; I was already tired of this conversation. "Kid, Peter Pan fell in love for the first time with Wendy. Pan learned about mortality when Tink nearly died. Pan discovered the concepts of true friendship and sacrifice. Pan came to realize-"

Kid threw his pen and me and started angrily kicking the wall. "Pan never loved Wendy, he was just pretending-" He paused in mid kick, eyebrows shooting up his forehead. "Why that's perfect, I'm a goddamn genius Latty. At some point my character will meet a girl who disapproves of his titanium pimpstick bludgeonry, so he pretends to change in order to have sex with her and then afterwards he goes back to beating people same as before. That'll be my twist ending like in the 'I See Dead People Movie', the audience will think there's a character arc going on but then at the end they discover there wasn't any character arc at all."

There was no way I was continuing this inane discussion. "Fine Kid, I see it now. Yeah, you're right, that's the best idea ever." Kid Relish slowly turned toward his room but stopped and looked back over his shoulder. "You know Latty," I was struck by the tremble in his voice and stared at him in amazement. "Latty, I just wanted to do something great you know. You're the quickest draw in the world. What have I got?"

The Kid's eyes looked like they were starting to moisten. I was astounded and sudden compassion for the guy surged through me. "Oh God Kid, I had no id-" I halted abruptly, every cilium in my inner ear screaming "danger!" I slowly pointed at him. "You're pretending right now aren't you Kid? Pretending to actually have a human emotion." Standing, I could now see what appeared to be a lead pipe wrapped in aluminum foil tucked into his back pocket. Kid grinned wickedly. "Keep moving forward to hug me Latty and I guess you'll find out."

I sat back down, disgusted at my foolishness. "You may actually have what it takes to make it in this town Kid. Are you going to pay my old friend D.Mor for use of the term 'Titanium Pimpstick' or just beat him until he signs a waver stating you made it up?"

But Kid wasn't listening to me anymore. "How amazing I am Latty, I just got the title: And So They Fall Beneath the Bludgeonry." He looked back at me. "Except it's pronounced with the emphasis on the 'ge', bluh-GIN-ry."

I could hear him saying it over and over to himself as he walked away: "bluh-GIN-ry, bluh-GIN-ry. And So They Fall Beneath the Bluh-GIN-ry."

And right then is when I started to fear for producer's lives, just a bit.


At 6:52 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

I want a titanium pimp stick too! I have no idea what it is, but it sounds awesome!

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

I assume Marvel Comics will be handling the comic book adaption of the movie?

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I'm with Relish. Character arcs are the scourge of Hollywood. They completely ruin otherwise perfectly nap-worthy movies. SCREW the character arcs, I say!

Sorry, in a relishesque way I got a little carried away there.

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i fell for it. i'd be dead.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Ketchup will fit in just fine in Hollywood:

Lack of originality? Check.

Blatant plagiarism? Check.

Hack writing? Check.

Refusing to acknowledge the true originator of an idea? Check.

All that aside, I'm still going to have to introduce him to my real titanium pimpstick when I see him at The Ivy. Jack Nicholson (golf club) and Robert De Niro (baseball bat) learned their moves from me, baby.

Then I'll let my attorney (who sounds like Barry White, incidentally) really give it to him.

Welcome to Hollywood!

At 12:49 PM, Blogger 1031 said...

"And right then is when I started to fear for producer's lives, just a bit."

Not worth worrying about, sir. Not even a little bit. They got it comin'.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Jedi Knight Sh'Ping said...

Kid Relish seems ot need to calm down. Way too much emotion going on there. Calm is the way to go Kid.

At 10:20 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Kid Relish is my favorite.

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I know what you mean Lance. My old friend DMor invented the titanium pimpstick. Then he made the mistake of mentioning it to Kid Relish who promptly lost his mind over its incredible bludgeonry potential.

Who knows at this point Rasmus, he's lost his mind I tell you. For example, Kid says no CGI, no stunt people. The actors actually get bludgeoned - and if they refuse he'll have them blacklisted.

Not a problem, Dave, the experts would probably claim we've all got a bit of the relish lurking somewhere way down deep.

He's dangerous Ho, dangerous.

DMor: I keep telling him you're not one to trifle with, you know Kid though...

Be that as it may 1031, they're still human, sorta, and therefore don't deserve what Kid is capable of.

Sh'Ping: True, the force is not strong with that one, but he more than makes up for it with his incredible capacity for cruelty.

And down deep Cindy-Lou, he's probably rather fond of you too - or he badly wants to kill your squirrel - for him the two emotions manifest rather similarly.

At 10:58 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...


At 9:33 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Look it's true about Peter Pan. He was pretending about Wendy.

And, bitch owes me $50.


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