Friday, April 08, 2005

Suffer the Cinema Hipsters

The warning currently racing through the Los Angeles Cinema Hipster Community is that under no circumstance should you engage in a conversation about movies with Latigo Flint's relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish. They say the best-case scenario is you'll emerge annoyed beyond belief. Worst case - well this is Kid Relish we're talking about, so naturally worst case is a vicious beatdown.

There's a lot of hysteria and myth swirling around right now, but if you take the time to wade through it all, certain trends emerge:

1) Kid Relish seems to enjoy insisting that Henry Ford invented the motion picture camera. He's more than willing to come to blows over it.

2) Apparently Kid Relish says "Rosie Perez" when he means "Diane Lane", and vice versa. If you correct him, he kicks you in the shin.

3) It's next to impossible to state any sort of cinema related opinion without Kid Relish wholeheartedly disagreeing and then referencing some aspect of Bushwacked, with Daniel Stern, as proof of his opinion's validity. Rebuttals lead to violence.

4) Kid Relish has memorized the names of thousands of bit part and character actors, and whenever he talks about a movie he continually refers to it as theirs.
Overheard example: "Bitch, please, I can't believe that the Larenz Tate film didn't win for Best Picture this year. I mean, yeah, the Jay Baruchel boxing movie was well directed and acted and shit, but come on - after everything Ray Charles went through and then on top of it all, him dying and shit. Think about it, right? How the hell do you not give the Best Picture Oscar to Larenz Tate's Ray?!"

If you frown or look even slightly confused while he's speaking, he lights his drink on fire and throws it at you.

5) Details are sketchy on this one, but apparently Kid has devised a complicated argument trap that ultimately ends with you admitting that Denzel Washington is a racist because he never acted in a movie with Kiefer Sutherland. If you later reverse yourself, he overpowers you and makes you repeatedly backhand your date in the face with your own hand.

6) (and most terrifying due to frequency) Whenever anyone happens to ascend the well-worn platform of Keanu Reeves Acting Ability Belittlement, Kid Relish stabs them in the stomach with a letter opener and defecates in the wound.

9 Comments:

At 11:22 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Rosie Perez was transcendent in her role as "Frances" in Under the Tuscan Sun!

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Ow...my sides...great stuff, Flint-san.

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

Jesus. that pic of Kid Relish made me shit my pants...just nearly. I ripped them off quickly before that could happen.

Now then. Rosie Perez has a nice rack.

Furthermore...I was reading and nodding and agreeing until Keanu R's acting ability. I was all...is it acting ability if there's no acting involved? Please advise, KR.

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

What does the Kid have to say about "50 First Dates"? The one thing making your profile incongruent is that cute Drew Barrymore flick. I've been wanting to find out more about that for a little while now.

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I'm glad someone out there is defending poor Keanu.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

DIane Lane could have had a great career as a porn star, given her performance inUnfaithful.

I was going to offer Kiddo a thorough beatdown, but then I got to item #6 and he was almost redeemed by said item. Instead, I'll just whack him once upside the head with my titanium pimpstick and call it a day.

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Not for nothing, Latigo Flint, but the Kid might profit from an anger management class.

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

And let me guess Kid, you thought Diane Lane was much better than Marisa Tomei in Untamed Heart, right?

Thank you ghost dog.

Yeah Ho, there's something very wrong with The Kid. (He asked me if I knew where you lived by the way. I told him Omaha was in Canada.)

Kid hates it Noir, but he tends to dislike any movie with a happy, romantic ending. Personally I liked it a lot, but then I do have a secret weakness for Rob Schneider.

Amen Cindy-Lou. Last year Kid was at a party and yet another cinema hipster jumped up to present his oh-so-original-opinions on K's acting abilities, or absence thereof, like a hundred thousand cinema hipsters hadn't already done so before. Kid turned to me and whispered, "Next smart guy says that sort of shit, I'm stabbing him with a letter opener." He's been doing it ever since.

Kid wants to know where you bought your titanium pimpstick DMor. He's gone giddy with desire for one - he's like a kid at Christmas.

LBB, You mean as in he could beat them up and steal their wallets while they're still trying to remember the counting and calm breathing technique?

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger Tommy said...

What is Kid's take on Light Sabers? Are they a form of controlled plasma or megnetic energy particles that can only be harnessed by the power of the Force?

 

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