Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The Beautiful Kid Relish

Latigo Flint's relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish, has recently devised a particularly cunning and cruel way to trick people into getting beat up.

Basically what Kid Relish does is he walks up to strangers on the street and says: "Never fight a man who is prettier than you, for he's got nothing to lose."

The people frown contemplatively and say: "Wait, shouldn't that be, 'never fight a man who is uglier than you, for he's got nothing to lose?'" To which Kid angrily responds: "You callin' me ugly?!" And then he viciously bludgeons them with his titanium pimpstick. (Which may or may not actually just be a lead pipe wrapped in aluminum foil.)

The Kid claims he's waiting for someone to respond something along the lines of: "Yes you beautiful man-child; that's exactly why I wouldn't want to fight you."

Kid says if and when that happens he's going to kiss them passionately on the mouth and then viciously bludgeon them with his titanium pimpstick.

Kid Relish also believes great critical acclaim and moderate box office success await any independent film in the Modern-Day Tragedy genre if it's about a guy who has to bludgeon people he loves with a titanium pimpstick... but then Kid Relish also talks to inanimate objects so you probably shouldn't invest all your money into every film project that's pitched to you that's about a guy who has to bludgeon people he loves with a titanium pimpstick.

10 Comments:

At 5:46 AM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

I see a bright future for Relish in Hollywood.

Do you think I could introduce his titanium pimpstick to Ashlee Simpson's enormous nose?

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I like to think of The Kid as Latigo Flint's learning-disabled little brother who took the short bus to school.

But I'd never say it to his face lest I meet with the business end of the pimpstick.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Mere Existence said...

Kid Relish doesn't scare me one bit. He should though... what the fuck is wrong with me?

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous roundelay said...

"...box office success await any independent film in the Modern-Day Tragedy genre if it's about a guy who has to bludgeon people he loves with a titanium pimpstick... but then Kid Relish also talks to inanimate objects"

But does he talk to his pimpstick?

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Ah Kid Relish. He's so playful.

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

so the kid is gay. i always kinda figured.

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

As Airstotle once said, "It is the nature of desire not to be satisfied, and most men live only for the gratification of it."

Truly, he must have had Kid Relish and his Titanium Pimpstick in mind. LM

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Howdy Jinxy. The Kid certainly has the mean streak and willingness to betray down pat. (He doesn't network well though.)

LBB: It's true that The Kid does manifest some autistic/savant tendencies. Raymond Babbitt sees 82, 82, 82 toothpicks in about 1.4 seconds and can count into a 6-deck chute... The Kid is good at hitting people.

Well Mere Existence, the fact that he stands about 5' 3" could have something to do with it.

You so don't want to know the content of the conversations The Kid has with his titanium pimpstick Roundelay - that way lies madness.

I guess that's one way to describe it Cindy-Lou.

The Kid's sexual orientation is a bit difficult to pin down Ho, but I wouldn't call him homosexual, you have to be human first and he doesn't qualify. ("It's your world boss.")

Exactly Lance - I can't remember how many times I've told Kid that very thing about himself.



As an aside, The Kid wanted to reply to all of you personally but when I told him he wasn't allowed to call anyone "Puto" "Bitch" or "Maggot flesh waiting to happen" he sorta lost interest. Good night.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Is Kid a relish based lifeform? Is that why he's called that?

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

The Kid takes great joy in being cruel. One might say he...

 

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