Friday, May 06, 2005

A Sincere Apology

Latigo Flint would like to take this opportunity to offer a sincere apology to the citizens of Burbank, CA on behalf of himself and his relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish.

See, what happened was The Kid and I thought that the new traffic light at the intersection of Glenoaks and East Walnut was a Wendigo - one of those bloodthirsty devourers of humans from Native American lore. Naturally we believed it needed to be destroyed immediately, we thought a great many lives were at stake, and things ended up getting a little out of hand.

We hear most of you have your power back now - we're glad. We hope the Burbank DWP gets the rest of you back up very soon.

Not trying to pass any blame here or anything, but maybe in the future the city council might consider letting everyone know ahead of time if they're going to be installing a new traffic light. (Especially if it's going up on a street that people walk along to get from a bar to some apartments.) I know I don't have to tell any of you that at 3am when you've had a couple, an unexpected traffic light looks an awful lot like one of those demonic Wendigos.

Would the driver of the red Honda Civic please contact us and we will personally pay to have your car repainted, as well as replace the right side windows and the charred upholstery. The flames didn't appear to actually reach you, or at least not for very long, but if you do happen to be in need of any facial skin grafts, we'll put it on our credit cards.

So in conclusion: Kid Relish and I made a little error and we're sorry. We want you to know there wasn't any malicious intent behind the slaughter of every single house pet on Cornell Drive. We thought the drifting sparks from the explosion were pieces of the Wendigo's spirit looking for new hosts.

Frankly, we think after your rage dissipates you'll come to realize how fortunate you are as a community to have two residents who are so capable and brave that they wouldn't hesitate to destroy a Wendigo should they encounter one. After all, I think you'll agree that had it actually been a Wendigo and not a traffic light, the toll would most certainly have been a lot higher.

(Please tell the firemen of Station 11 that we're sorry for shooting at them with Shaman-blessed arrows.)


At 10:11 AM, Blogger BitchFestivus said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog! By the way, my car broke down in Bakersfield in 1995. I love Bakersfield.

At 10:11 AM, Blogger BitchFestivus said...

Oops, I meant Burbank!

At 10:38 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

And I thought all the Wendigo-slayers had passed on. Boy, it's nice to know we still have you and the Kid doing battle for us and against us.

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Gil The Carnie said...

I hates ta' say dis Gunslinger, buts ya'all ain't no Jack Fiddler. (sees I'm smart too, ppphhhttt)

At 12:34 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

You know, that hindsight thing's a real bitch.

But how much damage can a Shaman-blessed arrow really incur, hmm?

At 5:37 PM, Anonymous CadGrublygold said...

I'm with you on this one Flint. It's up to the city to warn people. Plus I'm sure you have read The Californios, so you know what a dangerous place the LA area can be, what with indian gosts an all.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Something of that caliber could happen to any person living a mildly interesting life at some point.

As long as it was good intentioned, I determine that no real harm was done. Oh, and by the way - don't you find this hand basket roomy?

At 1:06 AM, Anonymous Iconoclast Zach said...

You, sir, are a true hero, even if you don't quite mesh properly with the world around you.

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

The people of Burbank should thank their lucky stars.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Mere Existence said...

Wendigos are a constant threat to most areas of Southern California... I commend your efforts.

At 4:48 PM, Blogger J said...

Wendigos once possessed my twin hamsters, which (obviously) made them quite bloodthirsty. Knowing the havoc that can wreak on a household, I commend your preventative efforts of slaying the pets on Cornell Drive. Wendigo-Possessed pets is truly not a risk worth taking.

At 6:36 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Just so you know, Northern California could use your protection, too.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Yes, well, same difference I reckon B.Festivus.

Always shall The Kid and I fight the good fight against those wretched Wendigos Old Hoss - hoping we don't run into you though of course.

You never fail to amaze me my fine Carnie friend. Answer me this though smart guy: Jack Fiddler: Paiute, Cree or Navaho? (The Google makes us all appear smart these days, don't it just?)

They pretty much just bounce off fire suits Steff. Um, 'cept when they find a seam... That one fella was pretty pissed.

Grublygold, you've made my night. For as the master once said of Indian Ghosts: "There are many kinds of education, and often education closes as many doors as it opens, for belief implies disbelief. One accepts one kind of belief but closes the mind to all that is, or seems to be contradictory."

Hello Muse. Thank you. ("Something of that caliber". Verra nice.) Oh and by the way, Hell yeah I do.

I.Z. Splendid to see you again. I am very moved by your eloquent words... about me. Narcissistic? Perhaps. An even better man for admitting it? History may judge.

I know, and yet they don't LBB. Taos, NM... Now I'll bet there's a town that would!

Thank you M.E. They were indeed commendable, weren't they? That's exactly what Kid and I eventually decided. (From the holding cell.)

Thank you for the encouragement J. That is very good to hear, and I'm glad you survived your ordeal. (We also set fire to what turned out to be a very rare butterfly collection... 'cause, you know, can't be too careful.)

The entirety of this magnificent state is and has always been under The Kid's and my protection Cindy-Lou. From Mt. Shasta to LaDainian Tomlinson, and all glory in between.

At 8:11 AM, Blogger Gil The Carnie said...

Ooooo, Jack was a Cree Gunslinger ans' Carnies have a vast knowlage o' folklore an' obscure monster hunters. Likes Rufus McReedy famed Banshee trapper, try's dat in yer Google.

Okay, sos I made dat one up.

At 1:22 PM, Anonymous isis1021 said...

Curious to know that Wendigos are such a problem in California. Especially beautiful downtown Burbank. I thought they were more of a Candadian thing, but I must say that it is wonderful to know that people are still fighting the good fight even if the Wendigo in question turns out to be a pesky traffic light. Too bad there aren't more upstanding citizens like that in Illinois. Lord knows there are enough traffic lights located near bars.


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