Another Great Way to be a Hero

Another tremendous way to be a hero is to save a girl from a rabid wolf, sustaining horrible injuries in the process, chain yourself to a tree for her protection and then die a slow, brutal death in front of her teary eyes.

Now Latigo Flint isn't saying that you should intentionally allow the hydrophobic beast to chew on you as you're beating it to death with a blunt object - not at all. On the contrary, if you happen to find it's possible to leap between the terrified lass and the creature's deadly, slavering jaws and dispatch it without a scratch, by all means take it. You'll be a lesser hero, true, but it ought to be good for at least a few rounds of appreciative copulation.

No, what Latigo Flint is saying is that you shouldn't get all down and depressed if the battle is initially pitched and the wolf happens to eat your elbow before you're able to crush its skull. Yes, you're now assured a slow, painful death, but don't take yourself out of the game by pouting on a riverbank and letting the yellow-eyed monster savage the pretty girl's femoral artery. You won the hero lottery the second that wolf ate your elbow, so get right back in there and finish beating that furry fiend to death with something blunt.

You're allowed an hour or two of Ultimate Hero Reward, which mostly consists of the lovely lady crying and tenderly brushing the hair from your damp forehead as she runs a warm, wet cloth all over your blood smeared body, but don't tarry too long - remember, you've got the hydrophobia coursing though your veins. Sooner rather than later you need to be chained to a tree with her under strict orders not to approach nearer than the length of said chain.

In between your maniacal fits of wild-eyed lurching blood lust, you'll probably have moments of faux-clarity, calm and pleading. This is most definitely a trick - she must not fall for it. It's your duty while still sane to plan for this contingency and advise her accordingly.

(And hey, if despite your warning she still falls for it and gets her lungs torn out when she tries to bring you a cup of water, so be it, you warned her. Plus everyone's got to know that those who are infected with rabies have an aversion to water... Hydrophobia... You know, it's right there in the name and whatnot.)

Be sure to find your human voice again in the last minutes before you die. Tell her it's up to her to live well, free and happy, she's living for two now. Tell her no regrets, you wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Tell her the morning sun when it's in her face really shows her age... You still with me? I was just testing you there; don't tell her that last one. Tell her in this moment you truly love her, and of all the possibilities, that's a pretty damn good one to end on.

(Oh and also pray that with your final spasm you don't involuntarily crap yourself, 'cause she'll try to pretend, as she's weeping and cradling your limp body, that the smell doesn't change her opinion of you or your heroism in the slightest, but in spite of herself it will.)