Monday, May 02, 2005

Another Great Way to be a Hero

Another tremendous way to be a hero is to save a girl from a rabid wolf, sustaining horrible injuries in the process, chain yourself to a tree for her protection and then die a slow, brutal death in front of her teary eyes.

Now Latigo Flint isn't saying that you should intentionally allow the hydrophobic beast to chew on you as you're beating it to death with a blunt object - not at all. On the contrary, if you happen to find it's possible to leap between the terrified lass and the creature's deadly, slavering jaws and dispatch it without a scratch, by all means take it. You'll be a lesser hero, true, but it ought to be good for at least a few rounds of appreciative copulation.

No, what Latigo Flint is saying is that you shouldn't get all down and depressed if the battle is initially pitched and the wolf happens to eat your elbow before you're able to crush its skull. Yes, you're now assured a slow, painful death, but don't take yourself out of the game by pouting on a riverbank and letting the yellow-eyed monster savage the pretty girl's femoral artery. You won the hero lottery the second that wolf ate your elbow, so get right back in there and finish beating that furry fiend to death with something blunt.

You're allowed an hour or two of Ultimate Hero Reward, which mostly consists of the lovely lady crying and tenderly brushing the hair from your damp forehead as she runs a warm, wet cloth all over your blood smeared body, but don't tarry too long - remember, you've got the hydrophobia coursing though your veins. Sooner rather than later you need to be chained to a tree with her under strict orders not to approach nearer than the length of said chain.

In between your maniacal fits of wild-eyed lurching blood lust, you'll probably have moments of faux-clarity, calm and pleading. This is most definitely a trick - she must not fall for it. It's your duty while still sane to plan for this contingency and advise her accordingly.

(And hey, if despite your warning she still falls for it and gets her lungs torn out when she tries to bring you a cup of water, so be it, you warned her. Plus everyone's got to know that those who are infected with rabies have an aversion to water... Hydrophobia... You know, it's right there in the name and whatnot.)

Be sure to find your human voice again in the last minutes before you die. Tell her it's up to her to live well, free and happy, she's living for two now. Tell her no regrets, you wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Tell her the morning sun when it's in her face really shows her age... You still with me? I was just testing you there; don't tell her that last one. Tell her in this moment you truly love her, and of all the possibilities, that's a pretty damn good one to end on.

(Oh and also pray that with your final spasm you don't involuntarily crap yourself, 'cause she'll try to pretend, as she's weeping and cradling your limp body, that the smell doesn't change her opinion of you or your heroism in the slightest, but in spite of herself it will.)


At 7:54 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

sneaky fucker. rod stewart almost sent me off. nice little trick, my friend.

i had a question, though..what if you are suffering from hydrophobia and the whole wolf pack comes back..would you then gain some clarity and attack the pack .. giving her time to escape?

At 12:04 AM, Blogger Ithiel said...

speaking as the voice of experiance, it is definately a bad idea to crap your pants in situations like that.

At 1:48 AM, Anonymous tubbyman said...

Crapping your pants? How do you recover from that? It definitely changes the dynamic from Hero-Damsel to something more like "Mommy, I did a doody in my pants.", and I don't see much appreciative copulation in the cards after that. Well, I suppose there might be, but you're on your own with that one.

At 8:27 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

Oh, be very, very wary with this approach to being a hero, Latigo. This is the famed "Old Yeller" hero death. If your young lady in question hasn't read the book or seen the movie, then most definitely the sheer poignancy and sacrifice will melt her heart and make you an everlasting hero in her eyes. She will weep when relating the tale to her grandchildren, it'll be so darn poignant.

But if the young lady has done her homework and knows the story...well, she'll shoot you. Which is a real shame, because a maudlin woman who nonetheless is so handy with a shootin' iron would be the ideal match for Latigo Flint, even if he were missing an elbow. The irony would just kill you. (Well, the irony would just kill you slightly after the bullet actually did kill you.)

Oh, and thanks for the kind words. I do know the story Where the Red Fern Grows--great tale, just like Old Yeller, except why do they always have to kill the dogs? As for locale, though, I'm closer to Shepherd of the Hills than Red Fern. And while I'm too mongrelized to definitely know I have Welsh in my background, I have visited there, and I do look like them (shorter, stockier, dark-haired.) So I'll happily claim it. (Sackett, however, I can't; they're from Virginia via Tennessee. There might be a Talon or two in the background, though; I do believe my family had a bit of a northern connection.)

At 9:40 AM, Blogger J said...

Appreciative copulation? Where can I get me some of that? Without killing a rabid beast, that is? There must be an easier way...this is America!

At 11:34 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Involuntary crapola? I always heard that "the last crap" was a voluntary expression of contempt for the world. Back to medical school for me.

At 3:46 PM, Anonymous roundelay said...

I'm curious: did you learn this as part of your squinty-eyed gunslinger training, or is this life wisdom picked up along the way?

At 10:40 PM, Blogger Gil The Carnie said...

We cowards are big picture types who knows dat' after da' hero dies savin' da' lady we're da’ one they’re going to come to fer comfort.

At 11:44 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Hmm, that's actually a very good question Ho... or a grizzly bear comes along or something, right? Okay, get her to throw you the key. Bite everything that moves. Hope she's up a tree. (That's the best I can do on short notice.)

It is a real bummer Ithiel. It's sad to see heroes tarnished.

Well you don't so much recover from it T-Man. You're kind of dead at that point. Reincarnative redemption perhaps? I really don't know.

Great jumping Arlis in the drinking water Slarrow. You do Latigo Flint proud.

Well J, there is one other way... are you a director, producer or casting agent?

I like that one Old Hoss, I like that one a lot.

Roundelay, squinty-eyed gunslingers are very, very observant.

I'm not going to argue your method isn't extremely effective my fine carnie friend.


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