Monday, August 15, 2005

A Fistful of Origami Cranes

Kid Relish, my relatively trusty sidekick, thinks that we should make a fine documentary film about a Mexican gunslinger who goes around giving origami cranes to hobos. The Kid says it will be sublime and also awesome, with many layers of rich subtext for esteemed reviewers to explore.

Kid said he sees it opening small, 2000 screens or so, and expanding to twice that once the word-of-mouth really kicks in. I was a bit dubious and made it clear that while I can appreciate the singular visual of a Mexican gunslinger giving a hobo an origami crane, I'm really not at all certain the premise would be able to carry a 90-minute film.

Kid mumbled something into his shirt. "What's that Kid?" I asked.

"One eighty Puto! I said the film is going to be one hundred eighty minutes long, give or take!"

I gave him a sad smile. "Three hours Kid?! Have you really thought that through?"

He sulked for bit then abruptly brightened. "I've got it Latty! We'll tell people the filmmaker, who was also the director and cameraman, is actually legally blind and has been from birth. That's another layer for the audience to appreciate and should be just enough to put us into the top ten grossing films of all time."

Kid Relish started pacing about the room, wildly gesticulating and randomly licking furniture. (That's what Kid Relish does when he gets really excited, you see?)

"Latty, sometimes the camera will bonk into things. It'll be incredibly funny and tragic at the same time. Teenage girls will see our film dozens of times in the theater just like that one Billy Zane movie."

I slowly backed off and gave him space. His pacing now approached a dead sprint. Suddenly he stopped cold and stared at the ceiling. He appeared on the verge of seizure. The Kid began to shriek elatedly and had to lick the coffee table for a full two minutes just to calm down enough to get the words out. Tears of joy were streaming down his cheeks when he finally craned up to face me.

"Amend all that Latty--You know what we're gonna make?! We're gonna make a documentary about a blind documentarian who is making a documentary about a Mexican Gunslinger who goes around giving origami cranes to hobos!!!"

And then he blacked out. The excitement and joy had become too much for him.

I stared at his motionless form for a long time. This was probably the greatest idea I had ever heard. I shuffled, trancelike, to the computer, logged into a popular internet auction site and started methodically selling every last possession, save what we currently wore.

So it appears our budget shall be in the range of 1.5 to 2.5... hundred dollars. I'm waiting for Kid to wake up so I can ask if he sees the film being shot in 35 millimeter, DV, or perhaps Disposable-Still.

Kid Relish sleeps like a troubled angel. He is my friend and sidekick and I love him like a brother. I should probably tell him that more often... or in fact, even once.

Oh lonesome dang! I hope it's not an aneurysm he had. Come back to me Kid. Do not go gentle into that good titanium pimpstick factory.

(Make your own goldangit! Give it to a hobo.)


At 11:33 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

I dunno about that Kid Relish. I can't figure why, but I have a weird feeling about his movie ideas.

I mean, why not an origami pterodactyl? Or a vulture? Or even a scorpion?

At 6:55 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

In Kid Relish, I see a Van Gogh-like figure. One so tormented by vision and genius that his only outlet is to perform acts of savage bludgeonry.

Someday, years from now, his police record will be required reading in film school.

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous FallenRanger said...

How much for Senor Sackett?

At 9:36 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

The last hobo worthy of a gift hung up his pack in 1941 and went to work in a steel mill building bullets to kill steely-eyed Germans. So I won't be learnin' no oragami.

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

My how quickly we forget that hobos carry an inherent fear of large birds. Have you forgotten the bloody day when the grey herons and osprey killed hundreds of drifters in the trainyards of Kansas City? Most hobos are haunted by the memories of that day.

Although perhaps that would simply add a layer of poignancy to the movie.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger amandapants said...

A few things:
1. The Kid is just sleeping! (But you might want to hold a mirror up to his face, just to check for breath.) (sigh...)
2. I am more than a little pleased that your weblog has become so educational. I know plenty of hobos, so this should come in handy.
3. That origami man's hands creeped me out a bit. I thought the last picture would be the hands reaching out of the screen to attack me. (maybe that's just me, though)

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

you should make a flip book. those will be cool, one day.

At 4:46 PM, Blogger MJ said...

The thing about having origami as a hobby (as I do) is that the origami folder does not have anything to do with the finished products. Giving them to a documentary team making a movie about giving them to hobos sounds like just what I've been looking for all these years! Such a beautiful endeavor.

I think I've amassed a few hundred cranes (after all, I've been folding since I was 7) that I could donate to the cause. And, if you want to think outside the box, I've got some elephants, penguins, and assorted flowers around here somewhere too.

They are a little wrinkly, but with a budget like that, I'm sure you don't want to blow it all on paper and could make do nicely. Hit me up. All I ask is a line in the credits.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Frenzy Lohan said...

I fold origami cranes so compulsively that I'd be shocked if at least one hobo hadn't gotten his hands on one by now.

At 5:43 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

You can put this review on the box of the extended DVD edition;

"Kid Relish plunges into a world of debauchery, depravity and desperation, and comes out with a heartwarming film for the ages! This film will neatly fold its way into your heart." -Trevor Record, NY Times

Just don't tell anyone that "NY" actually stands for "Novice Yearly" in that case.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

That's a neat trick, that paper crane thingy.

You should grab a Sharpie and give the passed-out Kid a beard, moustache and glasses.

And write "Insert Here" on his butt cheeks.

At 1:53 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

You and the staff of every film rental facility in the greater Los Angeles area Ghost Dog. Birns and Sawyer 86ed Kid Relish. And that was something of an industry first!

That was beautiful Lance, but I must warn you, you are on the verge of becoming Kid Relish's very good friend with statements like this... and there is not a safe place to stand.

Fallenranger, I'm sorry to say SeƱor Sackett died of his wounds this Sunday last. Selling his crusty corpse is beneath even me.

And with that comment Old Hoss, all doubt as to whether or not you are really a 76 year-old blogger permanently vanished.

Ah the day of Deadly Feathers Dave Morris--how do you know of this? Monday's Avian Incident in Missouri. Forever etched upon hobo's souls it is.

Good lord Amandapants, that sigh. I have giggled for a good half hour at it. I like to think it was born from the ashes of absurdity, the realization of what you had actually just suggested.

Pop-up books Ho! That's where the smart money is going right now.

MJ, it's actually a documentary team making a documentary about a documentary team that's making a documentary about a Mexican gunslinger who is giving them to hobos. (You left out one of the documentary teams, that's all.) So right then, we'll meet in West Hollywood for pre-production. We need to cast a sexy Mexican gunslinger anyway and if we can't find one in West Hollywood, then I don't know where to find one.

Baltimore hobos don't count, sweet Cara. Baltimore hobos aren't even officially hobos, technically they are Stockyard Tramps.

That works on so many goddamn levels Trevor! I'm actually amending your comment at this point from "You can..." to "We will..."

"Fold its way..." My god that's good. Peter Travers just glimpsed his replacement and slit his own wrists.

LBB, you and I have been friends for practically as long as we each can remember... does that really sound like something I would do? (Okay, does that really sound like something I would do, and admit to?)


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