My Scientific Colleagues Wince

The scientific community has reacted with universal scorn and/or indifference to Latigo Flint's recent study that suggests if penguins could fly it would be easier for them to avoid being eaten by leopard seals.

Latigo Flint presented his findings at the special conference of the Intergovernmental Oceanographic Commission's Joint Technical Consortium for Marine Methodology. (Latigo Flint gained stage access through shrewd exploitation of the long-standing scientific conference loophole that permits unscheduled speakers, provided their PowerPoint presentation is properly formatted, they're wearing a blue blazer, and they know what the acronym on the podium stands for.)

My presentation was succinct and elegant. (Hey, just like me!) It consisted of two short video clips, a one-paragraph summary and a brief question and answer session. The first video clip showed a terrified penguin attempting to out swim a hungry leopard seal. The penguin made a series of quick breaches, propelling itself out of the water a few feet... then the leopard seal ate it.

The second clip began with the same footage but froze with penguin in mid-jump and switched to a lifelike animation in which the penguin flew away. A hand drawn frowny face appeared on the face of leopard seal as it watched the penguin disappear into an icy blue horizon line.

The Q&A session started off poorly and got worse in a hurry. I thought these were supposed to be the brightest minds in marine biology--why weren't they getting this? Had my presentation been too complex? I singled out a particularly patronizing scientist in a teal dress shirt sitting about three rows back.

"You! The smug one. Yes or no goddamnit, it's a yes or no question." I angrily stabbed at the buttons on my remote control. "Here we see the desperate penguin's final leap. Move ahead a few frames... Here he is at the apex of his jump. Moving ahead... He lands back in the water and BANG, the leopard seal breaks his downy little back with one savage chomp and then proceeds to eat him."

The smug scientist in the teal dress shirt shared an eye-roll with his neighbor. I grinned wolfishly, 'cause if he's so smart, with it all figured out, how come I see fear behind his eyes?

"NOW by thunder!!!" I hurled my laser pointer at the back wall. (In truth, kinda hoping for a minor explosion or at least a blinding flash of light... nothing though.) "Hey, pay the fuck attention you smuglords! Can you look me in the eye and tell me that penguin wouldn't have had a better chance of escaping if he'd been able to fly away at the top of his jump?!!!"

I fixed Teal Shirt with my most intense squint and waited for an answer. All smugness drained from his face. He swallowed hard and absently scratched at his armpit. "I... I... Actually... I can't."

I gazed at him with true warmth and sincerity. "Thank you Sir. There's no shame in that. We're all colleagues here, we learn from each other. That's what colleagues do."

Then my keen, squinty eyes detected squads of armed security personal amassing at the auditorium doors.

"Hey now," I passed a cautionary finger over the crowd. "Colleagues don't ever have each other forcibly removed from scientific conferences. It simply isn't done. Colleagues don't forcibly remove another colleague unless that colleague becomes violent."

"Well then." Teal Smug Shirt oozed. "I guess we're about to prove that you aren't a colleague of ours, aren't we?"

At that, my eyes began to sparkle with a dangerous light. Several of the more intelligent scientists eased themselves flat against the side walls. I leapt smoothly from the stage and strode up the isle.

"Oh god, what have I done? That's a logic trap isn't it?" Teal Smug Shirt suddenly found himself standing alone, staring up at six foot, four inches of lean doom.

"You're speaking to God?! How very unscientific of you. But hey -- God and Darwin could form a crime solving pop duo with street sensibilities and they still wouldn't be able to prevent this." And with that, I unleashed upon him a mighty backhand and then peacefully allowed my colleagues to have me forcibly removed.

It was a proud day for me. I wanted to share it with you.