Friday, August 05, 2005

An Action Memo

The only problem with being bitten by a moray eel is that being bitten by a moray eel happens to be one of the worst, most horrible things ever.

Moray eels have powerful, locking jaws and unbelievably sharp teeth. They've been known to grow to around eleven feet in length. Moray bites can result in bleeding, severe muscle damage and chipped bones. Morays lurk in reef holes and rocky crevasses waiting for people to swim past so they can lunge out and bite them. (I've heard they frequently aim for the kidneys or the genitals.)

Latigo Flint has just made a firm decision that he will never be bitten by a moray eel. Firm decisions have a better chance of holding up if they are accompanied by action memos. Here is Latigo Flint's action memo to himself.

Pertaining to the avoidance of being bitten by a moray eel.

Insomuch as being bitten by a moray eel does suck tremendously, the following steps shall be taken to ensure it never occurs.

1) Do not go near moray eels.
2) Do not go somewhere a moray eel might be.
3) Do not permit anyone to bring a moray eel into my vicinity.
4) If despite steps 1-3 above I still find myself in a situation wherein a moray eel is about to bite me, then I shall prevent it from biting me, using every available resource.

And that ought to do it. That right there is a flawless action memo. I'd just like to see a moray eel try to bite me now. It won't be able to. Not so long as I adhere to my foolproof action memo, which I fully intend to do.


At 2:43 AM, Blogger Wulfenjarl said...

One more: 3a) Install a viewer in your door so that if someone arrives and is either a moray eel themselves, or is holding a moray, you will know BEFORE you open the door, for gawd's sake!

(At least it's not barracuda!)

At 2:49 AM, Blogger greta said...

Would you suggest a similar course of action when confronted with the unparalleled terror that is the Rebecca De Mornay Eel?

At 3:40 AM, Anonymous FallenRanger said...

It is possible that the Moray Eel maintains its own action memo regarding the danger of gunslingers and their profeciency to aim for the spine. Maybe they have a similar action memo maintained with equal fervor.

Of course, if we accept that a Moral Eel understands and can impliment an action memo, and the infallability of said memo is unquestioned if adhered to, what happens if the Moray Eels impliment an action memo with the specific intent to bite you?

At 7:06 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

Speaking as one who writes these things for a living, you might also want to have a Disaster Recovery memo in the unlikely, but very unfortunate, event that the Moray eels, by dint of underhanded, yeller tactics, manage to get you by the Peacemaker, as it were.

At 8:47 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

2a) If gunslingerly duties force you to be in an area where moray eels might be, do not wear anything shiny.

Or is it ferrets that like shiny things? Either way...

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

neither...that's a barracuda...

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

that makes me want to mail you a moray eel.

At 11:35 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Lots of times moray eels will come through the sewers up into your toilet bowl. I suppose under Point 4 you will be able to defend yourself with a Sears catalog.

At 11:52 AM, Blogger MJ said...

And where on your person will you keep said action memo? I imagine yuu have to keep it on your person for full proctive effect, or chew it up and swallow it.

At 2:17 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

i onced managed to filter a moray eel out of my tap water in my britta. i trained it and now it lives in my refridgerator and protects my chocolate from any unlikely theivery.

At 2:37 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Just think, Latigo Flint. No matter what else threatens you, you can rest assured you won't fall victim to a moray eel.

My favorite dish? Lemon Moray Pie.

You can blame Greta for that. She started it.

At 3:40 PM, Blogger MJ said...

(proctive effect = protective effect. no need to draw the booty into this one.)

At 6:09 PM, Blogger Sharon said...

You have this intriguing way of expressing yourself. Forceful and evocative, both. I like it.

You make me want to break out in song.

When the moon hits your eye
And there's teeth in your thigh
That's a moray.

Okay, that was stupid.

Pretend I didn't comment. I just felt like singing. I hope you don't make a habit of this kind of tuneful inspiration. I'm dreadful at the Broadway musicals.

At 4:12 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Interestingly, moray eels seem to have no natural predators - other than really drunk frat guys who break into the aquarium during hazing week with nothing but scuba gear and a jar of Vaseline.

So, I think you'll be ok, but it is always good to have a plan. When all else fails though, I recommend napalm.

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Napalm? I like where your mind's at, Amandarama.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Tabitha Jane - I can't think of a better use for a trained Eel. Cheers!

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At 8:46 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Hello Wulf. I double tap shotgun blast in the direction of any unannounced raps at my door.

Nicely done Greta, now I'm laughing too hard to come up with any sort of witty response. I'm going to have to settle for making a hilarious face... Ha! That was indeed a hilarious face I just made. (I'm frankly quite proud of myself.)

Okay Fallenranger, this is a horrifying and most unsettling logic trap you have lead me into. If anyone needs me I shall be curled up under my table in the fetal position for the next eight days. (Just kidding... next five days, tops.)

You're exactly right Lance - You reminded me of another reason I despise morays, they positively reek with the dint of underhanded, yeller tactics.

Ah yes Ghost Dog, the Moray IS known as the "ferret of the sea"!

And oddly enough Tanya, the barracuda is known as the "barracuda of the sea"! Go figure.

Well of course it does Ho. (I'm willing to bet it also makes you want to open mouth kiss me, but we'll keep that on the hush-tap.)

Okay Old Hoss, top form! I have just made you an honorary general in my ongoing war with the natural world.

Keen insight MJ. I've actually tattooed it upside-down across my breast.

This is stupendous Tabitha. What is its name pray tell? Is it Delphinious Cudge? (I hope it's Delphinious Cudge. I actually can't think of a better name for a moray than Delphinious Cudge.)

Yes LBB, one good night's sleep for once.

I'm enchanted either way MJ.

Thank you very much Sharon. That is exactly the sort of thing I enjoy hearing. I actually loved your song. If it's stupid, what does that say about me? (I once wrote a poem titled "Don't Crap in my Mittens, I Have to Wear Them if it Gets Cold". That was a good day.)

It is interesting isn't it Amandarama. Once an orca corpse washed ashore with a giant bite taken out of it, and one guy said: "must have been another whale" and then this other guy with haunted eyes said: "or a shark!" But it was actually neither, it was a moray eel what done it.

Muse, that duck you're feeding... I've just named him Haverstam Sledgeworth the Third.

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