Friday, July 29, 2005

Dented Gold Pans

The problem with panning for gold is that to do it effectively you have to put your hands in the river. Alligators and freshwater bull sharks live in rivers, and alligators and freshwater bull sharks like to bite hands off. It is almost impossible to pan for gold once you've had your hands bitten off by an alligator or a freshwater bull shark.

So now look where you are: You don't have any gold because you had to give what little you had to the doctor who stitched you up. You can't get any more gold because you have no hands, and you have no hands.

Just doesn't seem worth it to Latigo Flint. Don't make any kind of sense -- and it didn't make sense to my Squinty-Eyed predecessors either.

Gold was discovered in California on the outskirts of the town of Coloma in January 1848 during construction of a sawmill. So began one of the largest human migrations in history. The next sixteen years would see nearly a million people flock to the shores of Mid/Northern California's sun dappled rivers and streams.

Less than one in ten thousand had the keen insight and shrewd logic to stop short on the banks. These few would go on to become the world's first Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers. Now don't you for one second think that Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers are afraid of alligators or bull sharks - 'cause we aren't. It's just that we happen to possess the steady mind and contemplative eye necessary to follow logic paths to their inevitable destination.

"Wait a minute!" A soon-to-be Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger exclaimed. "That's a river!" (He was right.) "You're saying the gold is in the river?" (Yep, yep - that's what they were saying.) "Don't you know alligators and freshwater bull sharks live in rivers and like to bite hands off? How are you supposed to continue to pan for gold when you don't have any hands?!"

But no one cared to listen to his wisdom. He shook his head, turned and walked to a desert town where he spent several years practicing quickdraws, squinty-eyed stares, spitting indifferently, sexy leans against hitching posts and heroic techniques for rescuing lovely ladies.

Most of the gold prospectors had their hands bitten off by alligators and/or freshwater bull sharks. Meanwhile the Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers became awesome and received a disproportionate amount of sexual intercourse from lovely ladies.

This is a very happy ending to this chapter in time. It doesn't always happen in history, you know? It sure is nice when it does.


At 1:35 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I know you're just gonna write "squinty-eyed gunslinger," but when you're not doing that, what do you do for a living?

At 8:25 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Ah, yes. Everyone is caught up with the legend of Sutter's mill and how gold made greedy even the most steadfast of homesteaders. But little time is dedicated to the story of how the rivers of California ran dark red for months, fed by the arterial jetsam of newly-handless profiteers.

At 8:48 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

So THAT explains why there are so few hitchhikers in California.

And why the phrase "I'm all thumbs" is sort of passe down there.

Any why green thums are in such short supply.

At 9:10 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

are there many sqinty-eyed gunslingers around these days or did they taper off along with the gold rush and leave you to represent the dwindling numbers?

At 2:10 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Some of the newly-handless profiteers contracted the dreaded 'brain sickness' from the bites. The sickness would attack the areas of the brain that governed 'common sense'. The afflicted became lawyers, politicians, or studio executives.

At 5:09 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Keep tellin' yer campfire stories, gunslinger. I'm sure they'd get Gil all misty-eyed. If he ever wakes up from that 2-month drunken stupor, that is.

And on another note, I never thought that one could use a peace symbol to make themselves look like a modern day Darth Maul. Live and learne, I suppose.

At 10:10 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I reckon there isn't too much money in squintey-eyed gun slinging these days, but it still probably beat the money you would make tryin' to be a prospector.

At 1:57 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Do you really want to know LBB... won't it shatter whatever illusion?

Damn straight Dave. And also mule skinners... some of the alligators ate a mule skinner or two.

It also explains our thriving prostheses industry Old Hoss.

I don't remember Tabitha Jane. I'd make something up but I'm too tired. I think there are a few. None are quicker on the draw than me though. Your facial paint is a conversation starter by the way. I've started many a self-conversation by looking at your picture.

And door-to-door gumbo salesmen Ghost Dog. They also became door-to-door gumbo salesmen. Have you ever met an intelligent door-to-door gumbo salesman? Me neither.

DMor, I think Gil married a female badger. (Apparently they're quite happy.) And here's one difference: Tabitha Jane turns me on, Darth Maul does not. If that isn't significant, I don't know what is.

Howdy Trevor. You know, if it weren't for these dern morals, I'd have my fortune several times over by making period porno films. Morals suck.


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