A Sincere Apology

Latigo Flint would like to take this opportunity to offer a sincere apology on behalf of himself and his relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish, to the approximately 2.2 million Southland residents who found themselves without power this afternoon. We hear the lights are back on for most of you. We're glad. We hope the rest come back up real soon.

We appreciate the noble gesture by the two utility guys, Rocco and Bobby, who tried to cover for us by reporting worker error during installation of a transmission system. You fellas are princes in our book, but roll off the grenade please; Kid Relish and I are cut from Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger leather, and part of that means owning up to your mistakes.

See, here's what happened--for over six years now, The Kid and I have been operating a California condor recovery program in Kid Relish's grandmother's basement. We started in 1998 with one breeding pair, Pretty Molly and Captain Chortlebeak, and now we're up to... well, actually it's still just them--neighborhood cats keep sneaking in and eating the chicks. But that's beside the point. What happened today was we were taking Pretty Molly and Captain Chortlebeak on their daily walk and Kid suggested we go a different way this time. Unfortunately, this new route took us right past one of the major power receiving stations in the San Fernando Valley.

An ice cream vendor happened to be stopped directly across the street from the nondescript brown building with "DWP" above the door. I had Kid Relish hold both leashes while I purchased four frozen juice bars. (Strawberry for The Kid, lime for me and pineapple/coconut for Pretty Molly and Captain Chortlebeak.)

I was double-counting my change because the vendor giggled when he handed it to me, when suddenly I heard Kid Relish yell in alarm. I whirled to see Pretty Molly and Captain Chortlebeak making a desperate sprint for the fenced-in area behind the power station, dragging The Kid behind them.

"Señor, your condors," the ice cream vendor smiled sadly. "They seem to be escaping."

"Hang on Kid!!!" I hollered as he bounced over the curb and up the sidewalk. I glared at the ice cream vendor. "A little sensitivity please Amigo. Those are two of the poor little tykes from the children's burn ward. Um, The Kid and I volunteer there. Those children are very brave and have been though so much--I think they've earned the right not to be insulted by ice cream vendors."

It's against my nature to lie, but owning an endangered California condor happens to be punishable by death in this state. (Former Governor Gray Davis snuck that one on the books in 2001 during his re-election campaign and used it to have his opponent, Bill Simon, executed.)

The ice cream vendor nodded solemnly then pointed. "Señor, your burn victim children," he stifled a laugh with a cough. "They seem to be flying away now."

Sure enough, the pair had Kid Relish six feet off the ground and were straining with heavy flaps to gain the summit of the power station's double-high security fence. Kid was trying to plead them down with urgent reminders of pineapple/coconut frozen juice bars but they didn't seem to hear, they were overcome by some sort of primal urge.

"Oh god Kid, hang on!!! Here I come." I sprinted toward them but had only crossed half the distance when Captain and Molly redoubled their flaps and tugged Kid face-first into the razor wire at the top. He screamed and released the leashes. Relieved of their burden, Pretty Molly and Captain Chortlebeak were free to proceed, smack into the lethal coils of an unshielded transformer.

It roasted them instantly. I dropped to my knees in the center of the street, my soul screaming the words my throat could only manage to whisper: "God no!!! Pretty Molly!!! Captain Chortlebeak!!!"
From his razor wire tangle at the top of the fence, Kid Relish began shrieking his anguish across a metal, gravel yard. Then the loadbreak switches blew and the explosion blasted him forty feet into a hedge.


Anyway, chain reaction from there. I reckon I don't need to detail it; you all have a basic understanding of power grids, right?

So again, I'm very sorry about that greater Los Angeles. Kid, I'm sorry I stopped for frozen juice bars, but you should have tried harder dern it. Pretty Molly and Captain Chortlebeak... I'll carry this wound for all time. I pray there's a condor heaven. I hope the cliffs run forever there, rugged and tall beneath a clear blue sky.