Monday, October 10, 2005

The Neighbor Who Never Sleeps

Latigo Flint had a new neighbor recently move into the studio apartment next door. This neighbor doesn't ever seem to sleep.

I didn't think much of it at first--just assumed he or she kept the same erratic schedule as I. But after a while this became more and more improbable. I'd rise at dawn and hear the telly. I'd get home at midnight and hear a microwave ding. I stumble toward a 4:00am piss and hear creaking, rustling and cupboards slam. Its showers match mine, every single time.

And it has driven me quite mad at this point. Whatever is over there must be a ruthless, deliberate evil of a most subtle nature. I'm going to kill it or die trying. There can be no other outcome. Well, short of moving... but only sissies move to avoid committing murder. And since I've already proved (at least to myself) that what's over there is most assuredly some sort of demonic entity, not a human person, I don't think killing it is even considered murder.

Here's my plan:
1) Grab a giant knife.
2) Crash through the window of my neighbor who never sleeps.
3) Stab it in its unholy face with the giant knife.
4) Get a good night's sleep for once.

It is a good plan. I've become quite fond of this plan. Now I'm going to sharpen my knife and do pushups for about a week. Then it's time to kill me a demonic entity that never sleeps.

(And those aforementioned pushups... Latigo Flint does 'em on his knuckles, not his palms! I'm the genuine article you wretched fiends. I'm the grin in the dark.)


At 11:06 PM, Blogger Ithiel said...

Good luck, Latigo. Were I not several thousand miles from LA, I'd be there for backup. Oh hell, this is a demonic entity of the most ruthless and unholy kind. Mind if I crash at your place?

At 11:30 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

You must, of course, consider the fact that your neighbor may be a vampire or zombie. In which case, your plan isn't as good as you think. Might I suggest a nice stake or a samurai sword?

At 12:14 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I don't know, Latigo. It seems extreme to kill the guy.

Just throw a bug bomb in there. Smoke him out.

At 1:14 AM, Blogger Wulfenjarl said...

Bring a flashlight. You can blind 'im.

(Should I take this post personally? Especially the "sissy" part?)

At 6:15 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Sounds like a job for two Latigo, you might need Kid Breathless to help out, there may be a whole tribe of them too, take care.

At 6:41 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

After you're finished with that would you mind taking out my husband?

At 7:43 AM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

Once you have exhausted the appellate process, you will surely sleep well.

At 9:26 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Better wear a cup.

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

This is why we all love LF because he comes up with the most sane explanations for things that he does not fully know about and rational solutions to the problems that those things cause him. Such as the above, or kicking a baby dolphin in the teeth, or starting a fire so you can rescue Helena Bonham Carter, or stabbing one's socks to imprese a beautiful barista. Latigo, sir I salute you.

On a side note: Would you mind if I have my artist immortalize some of your more "impresive" trials in comic form?

At 12:24 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

And "you're the cream in my coffee" for taking care of this threat to somnambulists.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

beware the death of the mirror process.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

i had this neighbor when i lived in the dorm in college that would turn the bass up on his r&b music at 3.30 am every morning/night! we tried banging on the wall, going over and asking him to stop, and leaving candy on his doorstep. next time, i'll know to call latigo flint.

do a couple extra pushups for my neighbor latigo dear.

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

String him up to the ceiling fan by his intestines and write "Nighty night" on the wall with his blood, Latigo. Do us proud.

At 3:11 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...


and cindy wants her husband iced?

who knew.

At 3:34 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

sounds like grue to me. don't go over there in the dark.

At 11:44 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Here there be dragons Ithiel. But you're welcome to the cot in the corner if a little insanity doesn't bother you. I'm in no position to turn down assistance at this point.

My plans are always top drawer Ghost Dog. (Until they go horribly wrong of course.) My mind's made up--it's got to be a giant knife. I've already commissioned a heroic portrait and I'm holding a giant knife in it.

Demonic entity LBB, not a guy! Stabbing a guy in the face would be murder. Latigo Flint doesn't murder people. (Unless they really, really deserve it.)

I suppose you may take it personally if you like Wulf. Do you secretly fear you are actually a sissy? That'd be news to me, but anything's possible I reckon.

I shall take utmost care Peter. Thanks for your concern. I like the name "Kid Breathless". I like it a lot. My relatively trusty sidekick is actually named Kid Relish, but truly, I prefer yours mate, no doubt.

That hardly seems honorable Cindy-Lou, for either of us. You know me better than that, don't you?

I was counting on an absence of prosecution Macek, due to the fact that my victim's corpse, being a demonic entity after all, would simply disappear in a sulfuric flash. Is there something wrong with my reckoning?

I have extremely rugged testicles Dave. Thanks for your concern though.

I do all that TSP? I mean... That's what I do, yep yep. Tell your artist I'd be honored. (We should have our agents get together, I've got a plan or two.)

I was born to be the cream in your coffee Old Hoss. I complete you.

Yes Ho, they make my blood run cold, those mirror processes. I'll take care.

Those extra pushups are as good as done Tabitha Jane. I'm Latigo Flint after all. I'm the grin in the dark, don't you know?

It's all I've ever wanted to do Steve. I'm gonna eviscerate him just for you.

Yes, well these things happen Tblue. Hopefully he doesn't take it personally.

Grue's a creepy fucker, no doubt. Thanks for the caution DMor. Miner's headlamp, Check!

(Did I mention I'm the grin in the dark?)


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