Sunday, November 06, 2005

Dancing Like an Otter God

So last night I had a couple or forty beers and decided I was a triumphant echo--the physical reverberation of a glorious, low frequency pulse that no one else in the club could hear. Then I danced like a lithe and muscular otter god.

But apparently these days, magnificent dances don't count in the eyes of young women keeping score if you make a funny, scrunched up effort-face the whole time. And that's just unfair is what that is. Do you know how much concentration it takes to dance like a lithe and muscular otter god?!

Yes, you in the back.
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Twenty-four? That's your answer? You think it takes "twenty-four" concentration to dance like a lithe and muscular otter god?
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What's that?
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Or nine?!!!
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So let me get this straight--your answer is that it takes either twenty-four or nine, concentration to dance like a lithe and muscular otter god?
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Pardon?
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Oh, of course--times Patrick Swayze and divided by Jim Morrison.
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Okay, so your answer is that to dance like lithe and muscular otter god requires a concentration level of either twenty-four or nine, multiplied by Patrick Swayze and divided by Jim Morrison... Is that what you're saying?
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Right, well that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
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Okay, shut up--it was actually a rhetorical question, and now you're just wasting everyone's time.
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My readers, that's who.
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Yes, readers! Something like a billion people are reading this right now.
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Oh, I don't know, I think it has something to do with routers and TCP/IP nodes and maybe also witchcraft.
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Hmm?
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Oh yeah, it's amazing--it'll change the world and shit.
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No, they can't see you; they can't even see me.
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No, you can't make any money with it!
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No, you can't do that either.
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No, it's not like that.
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No goddamn it! You just type words and then one billion people read them.
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Well, that's about all--then you type more words.
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That's right.
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Now you've got it.
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Hmm, I don't know--what's the point of anything?
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Butter?! What the hell is butter the point of?
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Oh, right, churning. That was pretty insightful actually.
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You're welcome.
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No, we're going to stop for the night.
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'Cause they all have things to do just like us!
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Yes, well--they don't have to know that.
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No, actually they've only been reading my half.
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'Cause that's all I typed.
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Well then get your fuckin' own.
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Naw, it's pretty simple--username, password, type things and then a billion people read it.
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Hmm?
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Oh, how long until you've changed the world--ahh, better give it a week or two.
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Right. Three weeks at the most.
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Exactly.
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You're welcome.
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Yeah, good night to you too.

16 Comments:

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

It's like watching Harvey in blog form. and we all know how much I love Jimmy Stewart...

 
At 12:34 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Sheeesh, it's hard to get through to some people isn't it.
I admire your patience gunslinger, I thought sure you would pistol whip that heckler.

 
At 1:56 AM, Blogger greta said...

Do you mind if I send you my doctor's bill re: a mild case of side splittage? I've tried to patch it up with a bit of velcro but I'm not sure it'll hold out. There will also be a teensy bit of dry cleaning required. It's probably best we settle it now, before it gets nasty.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Cindy-lou you're brilliant. And speaking of Jimmy Stewart - I share your love...I believe we all do. :)

(Mr. Latigo, don't worry about the score, eh? Dance on with your bad self.)

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Hell, I give you credit for going out to dance in public at all. Me? I'm all elbows and, apparently, clubs have these things called "bouncers".

 
At 7:11 AM, Blogger fourth_fret said...

no wonder you were frustrated. a billion readers is a lot of pressure. and so is 24. ;)

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger Junkie70 said...

Latigo, my dear friend, the ladies that keep score of males dancing are trivial and lack self esteem. They are unworthy of any gunslingers, especially one of your stature. Don't be misled!

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

And I bet you forgot to count me, so that makes a billion and one, which is more than the number of hamburgers sold, times Ronald McDonald.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i am the billionth visitor this day.

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

Patrick Swayze/Jim Morrison = Tight Lizard Skin Pants.

You need those to dance like an Otter God.

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Whatever those callous "ladies" thought of your dancing, I'm sure Sir Eduardo was somewhere splashily cracking oysters in happy time to your otter beat.

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Thanks to this post, I had to look up the word "lithe."

Great word.

And don't be so sure, LF, that we can't see you.

 
At 11:52 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

There were ear holes in the hat Cindy-Lou. Ear holes in the hat you know? That was the first clue... okay, well maybe not the first clue--but a pretty significant one, that's for sure.

He was standing too close Peter... I was afraid I would strike myself, know what I'm saying?

I'd probably hock my spurs for you Greta. Do you know that? I think it's 'cause you're Australian, and saucy. Saucy Australians are the reason why.

It's all I can do Muse, it's all I can do.

Shoot one Amandarama, the rest will leave you alone... or so I've heard.

But nine isn't much Fourth, unless they're demons... or have rabies.

Thank you Junkie. Your words comfort me. Sort of. Beer also comforts me, of course. Your words and a beer comfort me. (And porn. But please don't tell anyone.)

Actually Old Hoss, I counted you twice... you are very old after all--AND smarter than Zeus!

That's true Ho, but the first to make me smile... so, you know, there's always that.

Hell yeah you do Monkeypotpie. And some peyote doesn't hurt either.

Sir Eduardo is dead Ari. And otters don't get to go to heaven. It's a savage world.

Oh crap LBB... hopefully not right this instant.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

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At 8:04 PM, Blogger Ari said...

So you say, Latty. But I think you're wrong.

 
At 11:12 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

That's very kind of you to say Steve.

Well Ari, reckon I'll find out one of these days.

 

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