Tuesday, November 08, 2005

So They're Blades, and They Roll?

Hello, this is Latigo Flint. I just discovered something--it turns out it's much easier to repeat a previously displayed story than it is to write a new one. But don't tell Hollywood... or the television industry for that matter--Lord knows what would happen then.

If you've already read this one, no problem--this time around, pretend your beer bottle is a bassoon and you're responsible for the story's musical score.

Or touch yourself while you read.

Either one oughta make for a completely new experience. (Combine them and achieve a glory hitherto unimaginable... but only if you feel you're up to it... and remember to draw the blinds first.)

From the archives, 2-16-2005:


So They're Blades, and They Roll?

It recently occurred to Latigo Flint that one of these days he could be called out by some upstart quickdraw looking to make a name for himself--and as challenger, it would be well within the rights of the little punk to stipulate that the combatants wear rollerblades.

Latigo Flint is the quickest quickdraw the world has ever known. He can slap thigh and shuck iron so fast that Aaron Copland would be inspired to compose again... from beyond the frickin' grave.

But Latigo Flint does not rollerblade. It never even crossed Latigo Flint's mind to touch a rollerblade, much less strap it to his foot. And this is a potential weakness--Latigo Flint recognizes it with grim clarity. The quickdraw of yesteryear, beyond his prodigious skill with a firearm, needed only to ensure he possessed the supplementary skills of walking, running, crouching, squinting, horseback riding, spitting indifferently and moseying. We live in a very different era now--an era in which the specter of gunfight failure demands I learn to rollerblade.

The events that transpired between this realization, and my wheelchair-assisted release from the local emergency room are much too depressing and pathetic for Latigo Flint to attempt to relate, even to you. And besides, I have next to no memory of them, especially anything after sliding into that intersection.

As far as the hospital, I do faintly recall, while in a morphine-induced stupor, screaming at a nurse,
"I don't think you understand the lengths I'm prepared to go to see you naked!!!"

I'm pretty sure she struck me at some point. I may have struck back. Frantic intercom calls were made. I think my abdominal stitches came undone. Things were beeping. Lots of beeping. There was beeping everywhere; beeping and running and shouting... spent cartridges falling to the floor...

I'm sorry. I must rest now.


At 9:38 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, certainly worth repeating because I hate the bassoon. Laughed out loud when you got around to the cartridges. Thanks, Mr. Flint.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

As grand as it was the first time I read it. And I always read while touch myself, the act has lost all meaning.

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

I ended up becoming confused and touched myself with a bassoon in my excitement.

You, sir, will be hearing from my attorney.

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

This continues to be a beautiful post. In fact, this was the first post that Mr. Scoop e-mailed me to alert me to your brilliance.

At 11:03 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Oh my dearest Latigo,

We should go rollerblading together. The horrific outcome of our combined skills would make for good evening news.

At 1:47 AM, Blogger Peter said...

I hesitate to laugh at your predicament, or any other part of you, Latigo, but I am having difficulty restraining myself.
One of your absolute top posts, it touched me deeply, which saved me from having to do that.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Or touch yourself while you read.

...I'm way ahead of you.

At 8:10 PM, Blogger Ari said...

I sensed a darkness in this post. Not sure why. Maybe I'm projecting. Or maybe I've gone all Anakin.

At 12:13 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Old Hoss, behind all the ironic sneers and grinning insincerity, you'll find the words: "You are most welcome, and thank you".

Meaning evolves Trevor Record. Meaning evolves.

I should have known something like this was going to happen Lance. I have no one to blame but myself... well, and you... and our litigious society... and of course bassoons.

You are very kind to use that word Amandarama. But if I'm so brilliant, why am I living in a hovel, counting rodents and roaches, and pleasuring myself to pictures of silent film actresses?

Answer me that!

Innocent bystanders be damned Paula! It must be so. And when the doctors have to graft otter skin to my ruined face and knees, you can hold my hand and tell me you can't tell the difference.

Thank you Peter. It was an odd day, and certainly not my noblest moment. I regret striking the nurse.

Not to creep you out or anything LBB, but I actually touch myself while I write... I'm not entirely certain what that equals, but it probably isn't the straightest scenario there ever was, for either of us, that's for sure.

Oh, Ari... and you haven't sensed darkness in any of the previous?


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