Wednesday, December 07, 2005

An Intriguing Theory

You know what's really great? Latigo Flint will tell you what's really great--theories are really great! Latigo Flint is very keen on theories. Theories excite Latigo Flint. The elegance of a theory is that for it to be valid, it need only be impossible to disprove.

The following are several intriguing theories which Latigo Flint fully intends to detail and submit to prestigious scientific journals for a thorough peer review:

Intriguing Theory #1
Latigo Flint's shower nozzle has, for some time now, been possessed by Mictlantecuhtli, the skeletal god of death from Aztec mythology. Grumpy and weakened by centuries of non-worship, Mictlantecuhtli somehow found his way into Latigo Flint's shower nozzle where he derives sadistic delight in alternately searing then freezing Latigo Flint's flesh.

Disprove it you pasty-faced sissies--I dare you.

Intriguing Theory #2
Pioneer, war hero and seventh President of the United States, Andrew Jackson, was in fact an extremely intelligent badger.

Intriguing Theory #3
I truly don't know where my pants are.

Consider if you will, the possibility that I actually don't have the slightest idea where my pants could possibly be. I know this flies in the face of all conventional wisdom and logic--we lose things all the time, but rarely pants, and in the unlikely event we do, we at least retain some clue as to their whereabouts. Well, my theory is that I actually have no idea where my pants are.

It is a good theory and I defy you to refute it.

Intriguing Theory #4
Eggplant flavored sorbet is incapacitatingly yummy and so the oil companies bought up the patent and buried the recipe for fear we'd all give up working and commuting and driving, in favor of sitting at home for the rest of our lives, eating eggplant flavored sorbet.

You can attempt to prove this theory wrong in my presence if you like, but there's a very distinct possibility I'm going to douse you with petrol and strike a match on your face if you try.

Intriguing Theory #5
What has actually happened is that over the years, I've developed a highly severe yet heterosexually-nuanced man-crush on actor Cary Elwes, who played Westley in the fine documentary film, The Princess Bride. (Also seen in the fine documentary films: Glory, Days of Thunder, Hot Shots, Dracula, The Crush, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Chase, Twister, Liar Liar, Kiss the Girls, HBO's The Pentagon Wars, Cradle Will Rock and Saw.)

This is a very intriguing theory indeed. No doubt the debate will rage long after I'm gone.

Intriguing Theory #6
The Sasquatch and Yeti are actually ghosts of ancient hominids and they're mighty pissed about what our forefathers forefathers did to them and have been simply biding their time in the Alps and the Pacific Northwest, waiting for the perfect time to wreak vengeance upon us all.

This is a very creepy theory. It's because of theories like this that so many scientists have to sleep with the nightlight on. But discovery and knowledge do not yield their sweet fruits without a savage price--you and I know this, and forge ahead despite. And that is probably the main reason we are so goddamn sexy.

(Oh, and our tight bodies help a little bit too.)


At 4:37 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Regarding Intriguing Theory #3, have you checked the abode of the Starbucks Barista Latigo, it's just possible that you got lucky and in the ecstacy of the moment forgot your pants.

At 5:10 AM, Blogger Isaac said...

Andrew Jackson’s fight against the National Bank led to the Panic of 1837, one of the worst economic crises in American history.

Extremely intelligent? I think not.

At 6:25 AM, Blogger ThePaula said...

You don't know what constitutes a valid theory at all, do you?

If you did, you'd the man-crush on Cary Elwes is simply a derivation of the natural Law Of Attraction to Cary Elwes, which is exerted upon both sexes at varying degrees of strength and approximation dependent upon factors such as but not limited to age, sexual awareness, social status, breakfast cereal, and denial.

At 4:40 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

I have actually been worshiping Mictlantecuhtli for many years and asked him to mess with your shower nozzle. This was for a long forgotten slight that you did to me. Payback is a bitch ain't it?

At 6:20 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

In theory, so will Kid Relish's jock strap. This has yet to be proved.

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

I'm floored by your theories. Truly.

All I, and this other teacher I work with, want to do is figure out a way to get this paper about how to teach Latin to Special Ed kids published. The carrot, she tells me, is a presentation conference in Philadelphia.

But, I'd just go for the cheese steaks. I'm easy like that.

At 7:27 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

Actually, I believe theory number three to be a hypothesis. To wit - "My pants are elsewhere".

Fortunately, this is an easily testable hypothesis. This morning I have done some early field work, and will be publishing in Nature just as soon as I make bail.

At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Westacular said...

You might have a better chance of getting published if you explained just what makes your quickdraw so quick. Other than the squinty-eyes, of course -- that part's obvious, even to scientists.

At 9:54 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

To disprove #1, we'd have to shower together.

Do you really want that, Latigo Flint?

PS: The Kid could join us.

At 12:06 AM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Latty farts in the shower. Step into that savage storm if you like LBB, once was enough for me.

At 12:53 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I'd like to think this could be true Peter. But I'm pretty sure that's the sort of thing I'd remember--what with it being the culmination of all my very soul has ever desired, above even life.

Well, come on now Isaac, just figuring out how to put on pants and those shoulder board tassely things would have to make for one pretty goddamn smart badger.

My forte is really more the construction of intriguing theories Paula. I pretty much leave the valid ones to others. That notwithstanding, I find myself intrigued by your description of the Law of Attraction to Cary Elwes. Have you published it in any prestigious scientific journals?

I do not envy you the beating you shall receive when next we meet TSP. Not one bit. I don't believe in payback. I believe in emotionless slaughter and the caustic mockery of still-warm corpses.

Many things about Kid Relish have yet to be proved Old Hoss.

Thank you Amandarama. It makes me very proud to have floored one such as you. I am intrigued by the thought of teaching Latin to Special children. Is your method based on a system of rewards and penalties and also sometimes physical abuse? That would work I bet.

Ah yes, of course Sir Lance. I didn't properly present its form. Let me elaborate. It differs from a hypothesis in that I truly don't know where my pants are. That's what the theory is, truly not knowing. The control is a pair of long underwear whose location I do recollect... Oh wait, maybe it is a hypothesis.

My fine Westacular friend--in months past I have actually detailed several leading theories as to the development of my unholy speed with a six-gun. One had to do with being born beneath a rare Squinty-eyed Gunslingers Moon. Another pointed to the likelihood that I am actually a gunslinger Savant, quite similar to an idiot savant but without all the Abbott and Costello impersonations. I believe the third had something to do with being raised by wolves.

Why LBB... you askin'?

Shut up Kid. Everyone knows you're a filthy liar.


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