Monday, November 21, 2005

Biometrics... and The Gold Standard

Hey, it's gonna be pretty damn quick and simple to buy beer, some nachos and a pack of smokes when the computer chips in our palms are hooked up to our bank accounts. (If smokes and nachos are still legal by then of course.) Just wave at the scanner and off you go. And since the inventory will be computerized as well, there'll be no need for liquor store cashiers. Which will be kind of a bummer, 'cause there are some really great liquor store cashiers out there. Personally, I like the ones who always call you "Chief" or "Buddy" or "My Friend" and never, ever judge you for the raging alcoholic you are--those guys are great. I'm gonna miss 'em.

Now, Latigo Flint thinks it's crucial that our identity/bank account chips are somehow physiologically integrated and programmed to deactivate when they detect blood-flow abnormalities, 'cause if they aren't, then dirty crooks are soon gonna figure out to start chopping off arms and poking the severed limbs through their own jacket sleeves.

But I'm quite certain the chips will be physiologically integrated, because Bank Executives are fairly intelligent and they surely know what sort of P.R. nightmares would develop if dirty crooks started running around chopping off all their customer's arms.

However! (And pay attention now Bank Executives.) Of equal importance to physiological integration is a widespread education campaign targeting current and future dirty crooks. We must ensure they're aware of and fully comprehend the effect physiological integration has on palm-implanted bank account computer chips.

And damn it, use small words when you do.

See, 'cause here's the thing--it's all very well and good for the chips in our palms to be physiologically integrated to detect abnormalities in the blood flow and automatically deactivate, but it actually doesn't do the citizens a lick of good as far as keeping their limbs where they belong, that is attached to their shoulders, if the friggin' crooks don't know it.

Yeah, I guess in a way it'd be kinda funny to watch frustrated miscreants spitting and cursing and smacking nonfunctional purchase scanners with severed limbs, but would be of little or no consolation to the limb's rightful owner as he stumbles feebly and then bleeds out alone in a back alley somewhere.

I figure a print campaign and plenty of late-night TV spots coupled with some sort of easy-to-remember slogan oughta do it. Now, Latigo Flint is no Ad Exec., but it seems like something along the lines of, "The Money Stops if the Arm is Chopped, Asshole" should do the trick.


Of course, I'm certainly not going to ever get an implanted ATM chip. It's not that I'm afraid of dirty crooks chopping my arm off--it's not that at all--it's just that I'm Latigo Flint, a modern-day Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger, and as such, I actually refuse to use any form of currency that isn't still based on the Gold Standard.

(Admittedly buying things is kind of a chore... I end up having to barter for beer and smokes with livestock and salt... and occasionally sexual favors. But damn it, that's a small price to pay to be magnificent and prove an epic and ultimately useless point.)


At 12:29 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Wow how do you comment on that Latigo, when you're first and can't take a lead from anyone else?
This post will be a great assistance to number two!!

At 7:33 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

I object to being called number two.

Anyway, I've known several bank exectuives in my day Latigo, and let me assure you that they are, as a group, not as intelligent as you seem to think.

No sir, they are conniving, thieving, dirty bastards. The sons of jackals and thieves, feasting on the blood of the innocent and hard-working common man.

Not that I really have an opinion about it.

At 10:41 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

"Yeah, I guess in a way it'd be kinda funny to watch frustrated miscreants spitting and cursing and smacking nonfunctional purchase scanners with severed limbs"

What a great movie scene. And the hero would be a regular guy who got a bionic arm because of an accident, and the bionic arm had a failsafe where it automatically free itself from the frustrated miscreant who'd severed it and beat him to a bloody pulp. Then, it would crawl off in search of it's owner, beating up badguys along the way.

"Vigilante Arm: The Reckoning" or some such.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I don't accept salt or livestock, so...

At 12:08 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Insert coin, insert limb. It seems a logical progression.

At 2:54 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Just as long as it's a chip to pay for stuff and not a crystal that counts down and tells you when you need to be "recycled".

I saw "Logan's Run".

At 5:31 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I would be wary of high fives. What if my fellow cheering fan is somehow stealing from me? Handshakes would be dangerous, too.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Teaspoon said...


Nuff said.

At 10:36 PM, Blogger greta said...

Miscreants... One of my favourite words.... Mmm.

Oh, sorry, I don't really have anything to contribute this time. Perhaps I will once the bleeding subsides.

At 1:38 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Well Peter, you probably can't ever go wrong with offers of fellatio... that's what I always say.

Listen Monkeypotpie, Latigo Flint doesn't ever seem to think! (Wait, that came out wrong.) Anyway, your comment made me feel like listening to old Bruce Springsteen songs. I too have debts no honest man can pay.

Well put Ghost Dog. And it's difficult to imagine a movie title that couldn't be improved by adding "The Reckoning" to the end. (Mystic Pizza, The Reckoning... need we say more? Didn't think so.)

We're going to tremble together Cindy-Lou if you keep this up. I'm running out of ice for my bathtub.

It does, doesn't it LBB.

Sometimes when I drink Amandarama, I mix that one up with Cannonball Run... and then innocent people get hurt.

Right you are Bottle Steve. Hackers piss me off. We're gonna have to deal with them first.

It's quite simple TSP, you see... Well, okay, it's relatively simple, it's like this... Okay, it's not so much simple as it is intuitive. Wait, what was the question again?

Greta, I'm beginning to suspect the bleeding will never subside. And you may be the brashest miscreant of them all.


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