Friday, December 09, 2005

Of Lions and Quickdraws

When you drink as much as Latigo Flint does, you tend to talk yourself into doing things like walking across Los Angeles, challenging the lion on every Narnia poster you see to a gunfight.

The conversation goes something like:
"Hey Latigo, know what you should do--you should go see if the Narnia lion wants to gunfight."

"Ahh, I don't know Latigo--I don't think lions know how to use a gun, and besides, I'm pretty sure those are all just drawings."

"Look to your heart Latigo--what does it say."


"That fuckin' lion is going down!!!"



I caught a reflection of myself in the scratched plastic face of a dirty bus stop poster and didn't like what I saw... But that's mostly because the plastic was warped and it made it look like my head was three times as tall as my chest and I had no knees. Then the lion twitched and I went for my guns.

It turns out that cops really don't care if it looked like the Narnia lion was about to reach for its gun--destruction of property is destruction of property.

I'll bet you didn't know that accidentally urinating on a police officer can be booked as Assault depending on his mood at the time.

Oh, and for some reason judges get extremely grumpy if you cough loudly right as they announce your arraignment date, forcing them to repeat it... eleven times.

You know, lawmen in the Old West tended to step back and let squinty-eyed gunslingers and Narnia lions settle their differences one on one. I like that system. That is the system I prefer.

(Today is always a better day to die than yesterday, see 'cause it's one longer now ain't it? It's X plus one, and ain't that the whole point? Unless of course you've had a vicious headache and diarrhea all day long. Then it doesn't apply. If you happen to die on a headache and diarrhea day then honestly, come on Lord--it might as well have been yesterday damn it!)


At 5:21 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Those Police Officers, what the hell do they want, you could just urinate on them sometimes!!

At 8:48 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

It is a total bummer about urinating on the police officer. You'd think that he'd be a little more understanding. Urination = defensive action. Pistol whipping = offensive action.

You were completely within your rights.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

You ever hear of that UCLA football coach, Red Sanders, who "died in the saddle"? Do you suppose he wanted one more day, or was that Nirvana enough?

At 12:34 PM, Blogger The Orchestrator said...

New Question of the Week

At 2:08 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

A cop can book you for attempted murder if you steal his hat and poop in it.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger The artist said...

What did Aslan ever do to you man. besides even if you managed to kill him he would just rise again and then what would you do?

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Ari said...

Are you softly implying that Headache and Diarrhea Day came on the heels of reckless g-slinging at the image of Aslan?

The Emperor Beyond the Sea may have his eye on you, Latty. Step carefully.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger greta said...

Would you do me a favour and give that MGM lion a darn good pistol-whipping. He shits me to tears.
And don't even get me started on that utter twat Tony the Tiger. Grrrrrrrrrreat, my arse.

At 9:56 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Tell me about it Peter. Public drunkenness is entertaining, almost every time. If anything it should be encouraged, (even subsidized perhaps?) not discouraged.

Yes, well, apparently I wasn't within my rights Amandarama. Not according to to Mr. Clubby McNightstick and his pal Invasive Cavity Search.

X plus one Old Hoss--X plus one. What if the next day would have brought a threesome?

Fuck you Mantini. At least have the courtesy to thinly veil your self-promotion with a complement and something to indicate you briefly scanned my post.

Well sure Steve--fecal bacteria is no laughing matter, not these days.

I'd shoot him again TSP. (Of course.)

I'm pretty sure I don't possess the ability to softly imply Ari. And I can't step carefully--I'm a gunslinger you know... and a man.

I've ruined more telly sets than I care to admit Greta, trying to slay animal icons of marketing and film.


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