Of Lions and Quickdraws

When you drink as much as Latigo Flint does, you tend to talk yourself into doing things like walking across Los Angeles, challenging the lion on every Narnia poster you see to a gunfight.

The conversation goes something like:
"Hey Latigo, know what you should do--you should go see if the Narnia lion wants to gunfight."

"Ahh, I don't know Latigo--I don't think lions know how to use a gun, and besides, I'm pretty sure those are all just drawings."

"Look to your heart Latigo--what does it say."

...
...
...

"That fuckin' lion is going down!!!"

"Atta-boy."

**********************************

I caught a reflection of myself in the scratched plastic face of a dirty bus stop poster and didn't like what I saw... But that's mostly because the plastic was warped and it made it look like my head was three times as tall as my chest and I had no knees. Then the lion twitched and I went for my guns.

It turns out that cops really don't care if it looked like the Narnia lion was about to reach for its gun--destruction of property is destruction of property.

I'll bet you didn't know that accidentally urinating on a police officer can be booked as Assault depending on his mood at the time.

Oh, and for some reason judges get extremely grumpy if you cough loudly right as they announce your arraignment date, forcing them to repeat it... eleven times.

You know, lawmen in the Old West tended to step back and let squinty-eyed gunslingers and Narnia lions settle their differences one on one. I like that system. That is the system I prefer.


(Today is always a better day to die than yesterday, see 'cause it's one longer now ain't it? It's X plus one, and ain't that the whole point? Unless of course you've had a vicious headache and diarrhea all day long. Then it doesn't apply. If you happen to die on a headache and diarrhea day then honestly, come on Lord--it might as well have been yesterday damn it!)