Thursday, June 08, 2006

True Western Truth #245

In the Squinty-eyed American West, real gunslingers never, ever stared into their campfires. Staring into flame causes the pupils to contract and then you'd be temporarily blind should an adversary approach from the dark forest beyond. Every once in a while, a silly person would decide that perhaps a good way to ambush a gunslinger would be to disguise oneself as a campfire and crawl toward the gunslinger ever so slowly. This was not a good plan though, as it turned out, and coyotes scattered their silly bones.


At 9:34 AM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

The point of the West though is that there is no silliness allowed; you have to check it at the Mississippi along with large carrier bags so you can avoid any embarrassing searches for "West-lifting" on your way out through the Missouri Gateway Arch. I think
it beeps now if you try to snaffle out pieces of the West to the Soft East.

It's life and death and grimly set jaws in the West isn't it? A single instance of silliness can get a man killed. Just one little Groucho Marx nose'n'moustache set
anywhere near some twitchy cows, well, you have a stampede on your hands, don't you - any fool can see that.

Besides, if Western people were to start being all silly an' stuff they might start to fill up some of the acres of silence/ryhthmic tobacco-chewing between the conversational elements of "So, how's things, Merv?" and "Can't says as I can complain much, Hank. Nope, can't complain. Same time tomorrow?" It would lead to
things like Brokeback Mountain and then, who knows where...? Hell, that's where.

Silliness: I'm against it.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I use that tactic when I meet my dates. It's much more effective with drunks than with gunslingers.

At 4:02 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

This will be educational, Squint-boy: In the Vegas show Cirque du Soleil they have this fire in one corner of the stage. After FIVE MINUTES part of the fire jumps up, does a little dance, then disappears. It is obviously a man.

Maybe it was silly. But I doubt it.

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Hoss is crackin' me up.

Is that cheating if I giggle at someone else's comments on your stage, Latty?

Also, 2 days 'til Deadwood.
Just sayin'.

At 7:37 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

Attempting to ambush a gunslinger would be very silly indeed, campfire or no.

At 6:37 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Campfires are for s'mores.

And destroying evidence.

That is all.

At 12:49 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Yes Sam, you Problem-Child-Bride you, it is life and death and grimly set jaws in the West.
Well spoken Ma'am, well spoken indeed.
There is absolutely nothing silly about cholera and madness and dying alone with your boots on--nothing silly about it all, and I deeply loathe anyone who might imply otherwise.

But they are so often the same sweet Cindy-Lou... they are so often the same.
(By the way, aren't you and I supposed to lurch desperately against one another at some point?)

I'll allow you to call me "Squint-boy" Old Hoss, but only because you're like ninety-five years old or something, and are probably several decades overdue the ground.
(And also because I adore you.)

Yes Ari, yes it is. Very much so. (Swidgen!)

Quite right Sharon... unless of course you're ambushing him with tender kisses and saltwater taffy. Turns out gunslingers are absolute fools for tender kisses and saltwater taffy.

You mean they're not also for singing around and clumsy first kisses Amandarama? What a fool I've been then. I'm going to die alone--and for what?


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