Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Wild Dog Attacks, Avoidance and Cessation

The first real breakthrough in wild dog attack cessation technique was made in the spring of 1903 when a dry goods merchant from Akron named Elias Bendlestaff realized it was not enough to simply wish you weren't being attacked by wild dogs.

Elias began giving seminars in the back of his store on the avoidance and cessation of wild dog attacks. Cost to attend was ten cents for adults, twenty cents for children. (Twice as much for children because they needed it so much more, and also because it was what the concerned parent market would bear.)

Historians have recently found one of Elias Bendlestaff's original training pamphlets. Its text is reproduced here, free of charge because I love you.

(The graphics were faded and didn't scan well, but just read Cujo and use your imagination.)

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Elias Bendlestaff's Handy Guide to Wild Dog Attacks--Avoidance and Cessation
by Elias Bendlestaff

Avoidance:
Few things in life are more unpleasant than being attacked by wild dogs. You should strive at all times to avoid such an occurrence by staying away from packs of wild dogs, especially if they seem inclined to attack.

Wishing:
If you fail to avoid being attacked by wild dogs then you will find yourself being attacked by wild dogs. You will discover that the sensation is extremely unpleasant and you will wish that it wasn't happening. This is a natural response. Unfortunately it is also a fatal response. Wishing is passive and passivity is the enemy when being attacked by wild dogs, other than the wild dogs of course.

For instance, should you be attacked by wild dogs, you may find yourself thinking:
"Gosh I wish I wasn't being attacked by wild dogs right now. You know, I'd probably be almost home by now if these wretched dogs hadn't attacked me instead of bleeding out in the street, watching slavering jaws unravel my intestines. I sure do wish I was almost home instead of being attacked by wild dogs."

Can you see how this has done very little to halt the attack? Halting the attack should be your primary objective when being attacked by wild dogs.

Cessation:
Once you manage to avoid wasting all that blood and time dreaming about how much better your life would be if you weren't being attacked by wild dogs, it's time to get down to the business of halting the attack.

You must endeavor, using any means at your disposal, to halt the attack. Once the attack has ceased, put as much distance between you and the wild dogs as possible to prevent the attack from resuming. And review the section on Avoidance as soon as the opportunity presents itself, as it clearly contains a principle that you have failed to grasp.

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Elias made a lot of money and probably saved countless lives.

9 Comments:

At 3:29 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

Highly amusing Flint, (can we take savage truthfulness as a given from now on to avoid repetitive strain injury?). Incidently, inspite of Bendlestaff's discovery, the english government still thinks that unemployment can be avoided by wishing you had a job.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

Very noble, that Bendlestaff chap.

Of course, nowadays we could substitute "wild dogs" for "lawyers" and it would still be as appropriate -- and as timely.

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Sure this is really good data to have, but where is the instruction on what to do when you are being attack by a pack of wild armidillos? Wild dawgs don't have nothin on those derned armidillos.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Ari said...

What does Bendlestaff have to say about being attacked by packs of wild-acting domesticated dogs?

I find myself sleepily wondering why that 22-lb pug found it necessary to leap onto my abdomen while his two jackhuahua packmates dance upon my extremities just about every morning.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Avoidance worked very well where I grew up on grounds that there were no wild dogs. This is a tip I got from Bendlestaff.

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger jali said...

Dreams tonight of the attack of wild dogs and Cujo.

Thanks.

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I would like to add a disclaimer "Not to be applied to arch-demons on the astral plane".

If you are attacked by an arch-demon while traversing the astral plane, wishing you were not on the astral plane being attacked by an arch-demon but instead at home in your comfortable bed is percisely the correct course of action.

 
At 12:30 AM, Blogger talulah trashbag said...

Some salient points right there.

I've learnt from bitter experience that one of the simplest means of avoiding disembowelment from cranky hounds is to NOT staplegun luncheon meat to your girlie-hoo-hoo.

 
At 1:09 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Absolutely Helga Von Porno, you get to do whatever you want at this point. You know, it turns out most things that are savagely true are also quite humorous. I think this is what you knew all along; I may have just come around.

Yeah Sharon, Elias was prince among men. Chilling, your observation is. I hope you're wrong, but of course fear you're right.

That's easy TSP. Just suck on an angry armadillo's tail and he'll drop right down and be as docile as docile can be. Most people don't know that, but now you do.

He's trying to assert his dominance as pack leader Ari... you have to punch him in the testicles and bite him on the nose. I only hope you're not too late.

I believe that Old Hoss... if anyone is old enough to have personally known Elias Bendlestaff, it would be you.

Anytime Jali. I'm the man who makes girls fall asleep dreaming of wild dog attacks--it's in my charter.

Spectacular point Trevor Record. And it should be noted that those crafty astral plane arch-demons sometimes try to disguise themselves as wild dogs for that very reason.

Easily the greatest comment ever Talulah Trashbag. There are too many responses... they bottlenecked somewhere between my brain and my fingers.

 

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