Friday, October 06, 2006

Elk: Nature's Perfect Killer

And I heard as it were the sound of thunder, one of the four beasts saying come and see. And I saw and behold, a pale elk, and his name that sat upon him was Deathhorn Goresalot, and hell followed with him.
--Old Sioux Campfire Song

From the archives - December 16, 2005:

Elk: Nature's Perfect Killer


Latigo Flint knows there are plenty of reasons not to trust an elk. Elk were born to trample and gore. It's what they were born to do. Elk attack from ambush and have been known to eat human babies.

But what else would you expect from the closest living descendant of dragons?

Most people don't know that elk are directly descended from dragons. It's one of those facts that time seems to have swallowed. But get your Grandpa good and drunk and then ask him about elk; he'll likely tell you stories that'll make your blood run cold.

Many historians now agree that the lost colonists of Roanoke were probably devoured by elk.

Peter Benchley's first draft of Jaws was actually set in northern Montana and told of the relentless terror inflicted on a small logging community by a giant, man-eating elk. It was based on true events. It drove early readers insane with fear and Peter decided to revise it to feature a big shark instead.

Elk have hunted Sasquatch to the brink of extinction. When Sasquatch is gone, who do you think is next?

By the way, try not to ponder that for very long if you don't happen to be extraordinarily brave.

(P.S. It's us you fool, run for your life!!!)

The Lewis and Clark expedition was actually the twenty-seventh such overland expedition commissioned by President Thomas Jefferson. The previous twenty-six were all eaten by elk.

Recent advances in crime scene investigation techniques have shed new light on Los Angeles' infamous Black Dahlia murder of 1947. Elizabeth Short's mysterious assailant is now widely believed to have been an elk.

Today, public officials are quick to caution against blaming every single disappearance and unexplained murder on elk. They note that while elk are the likely cause of 85% to 90% of all disappearances and unexplained murders, investigators must be careful not to become so complacent that they fail to duly interrogate street performers and minorities.

(Most minorities used to be in the majority... but then too many of them were eaten by elk.)

7 Comments:

At 2:22 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Come to think of it, I ate some elk CHILI years back. It didn't taste all that scary.

Although the gas it produced hours later was as deadly as an elk stampede.

 
At 10:10 AM, Anonymous ATD said...

O.J. Simpson didn't kill that woman... ELK did!

OMG!

~ATD

 
At 7:47 PM, Blogger Ari said...

I had no idea what a litany of bloody horror the elk have wreaked upon this nation.

Still, when it's man vs. beast, I usually side with beast.

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger the Monk said...

No elk in India!!

 
At 2:04 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

They'll kill any way they can LBB. That's what's so scary about Elk.

Clears up an awful lot, don't it ATD?

Me too Ari. Despite rumors otherwise.

Oh, there are a few infiltrators Monk, disguised as cattle of course. Cars wait for them to cross... the Elk eat babies right out the passenger seat while the cars are stopped.

 
At 2:43 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said...

You lie Flint! But let's face it, sometimes fiction is better that truth.

 
At 11:28 AM, Anonymous An Elk said...

"Byooooooooogle, slaver, slobber, slobber, buhyooooooooogle!"

 

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