The Kid Relish Paradox

So the other day my relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish, decided he wanted to have a paradox named after him.

"It is a very sexy and mysterious thing Latty," he explained. "To have a paradox named after you."

"Really Kid?" I sighed, cracking another beer, silently praying this wouldn't take all night.

"Oh absolutely." He set his feet up on the coffee table and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his fists.
"It impresses the hell out of people, especially smart gals with button noses, freckles and glasses."
He glanced around conspiratorially. I saw the flash of a chemical fire in his wide, staring eyes.
"If you have a paradox named after you," He whispered. "Then the smart gals with button noses, freckles and glasses practically line up to sleep with you."

"You don't say?" I wearily replied, trying to decide if it was too early in the evening to feign a seizure.

"I do say." He chortled. "And if you tell 'em you're a Professor they let you keep your shoes on and make wolf sounds the whole time, 'cause everyone knows how eccentric professors are."

"Fascinating." I mumbled and half-considered tossing a shinny object to the far side of the room to see if it would distract him. "So," I said, 'cause he seemed to expect me to continue. "What's the paradox then?"

"Pardon?" Said The Kid.

"Your paradox." I repeated. "If you're going to have a paradox named after you, you kinda need to come up with a paradox first."

"Ohhhh, right, the paradox." Kid Relish consulted his notepad. "Okay, here's what I've got so far." He looked up to make sure I was listening. I was... sorta.
"Here's how it goes." He explained. "The first part is me holding a pipe wrench and then I ask you a question, and how you answer the question is what determines if I bludgeon you with the pipe wrench or not."

He had my attention.

"Okay Kid." I folded up my paper and put my reading glasses away. "So you ask the person a question and how they respond determines whether or not you smack them with the pipe wrench?"

"Exactly!" He replied. "And hopefully I do get to hit them with the pipe wrench, 'cause hitting people with pipe wrenches is really a lot of fun."

"Well don't get ahead of yourself Kid." I noted. "Where's the paradox?"

He didn't even have to think about it. "The paradox is in the question of course."

I have to admit I was intrigued. I'd never known Kid Relish to be so well prepared.
"So, what's the question?" I asked.

"I don't quite know yet." He admitted.

"Well, what have you got so far?"

"So far all I've got is: 'yes or no... do you want me to bludgeon you with this pipe wrench?'"

We both knew it wasn't very good. He kept his gaze down and wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Not much of a paradox is it Kid?"

"No." He sullenly replied.

"You kinda just have to answer 'no' in order to not be smacked with the pipe wrench." I pointed out.

"Yeah," he admitted. "It's kind of a flawed paradox right now."

I patted him on the head and stood to leave.
"Well Kid," I said. "At least you tried. Coming up with paradoxes isn't easy."

"Yeah." He mumbled. "I guess."

I crossed to the door. "Good-night Kid."
I opened the door and was about to take my leave when he suddenly called out for me to wait.

"What do you want Kid?" I asked.

"Answer truthfully, yes or no." He said. "Or else I'm going to bludgeon you with this pipe wrench... will the next word you say be 'no'?"

...

Why that magnificent bastard, he'd found a paradox after all. When I refused to answer, he came at me with the pipe wrench.

"Hey, friends don't hit each other with pipe wrenches!" I snarled, and met his charge with a flying kick to the face.

He crawled around the living room, wheezing and bleeding on stuff.

"Oh yeah?" He moaned after a bit. "Well friends don't launch flying kicks to each other's faces either."

He had a point there. I sat down on the rug and contemplated that, staring into the fireplace. He took the opportunity to bash me in the kidney with the pipe wrench.

I pissed blood for a month. Kid Relish made me lemon tea every night 'cause he'd read somewhere that it would help sooth the pain.

He's a good friend, that Kid Relish. Except when he isn't.