Sunday, October 29, 2006

The Kid Relish Paradox

So the other day my relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish, decided he wanted to have a paradox named after him.

"It is a very sexy and mysterious thing Latty," he explained. "To have a paradox named after you."

"Really Kid?" I sighed, cracking another beer, silently praying this wouldn't take all night.

"Oh absolutely." He set his feet up on the coffee table and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his fists.
"It impresses the hell out of people, especially smart gals with button noses, freckles and glasses."
He glanced around conspiratorially. I saw the flash of a chemical fire in his wide, staring eyes.
"If you have a paradox named after you," He whispered. "Then the smart gals with button noses, freckles and glasses practically line up to sleep with you."

"You don't say?" I wearily replied, trying to decide if it was too early in the evening to feign a seizure.

"I do say." He chortled. "And if you tell 'em you're a Professor they let you keep your shoes on and make wolf sounds the whole time, 'cause everyone knows how eccentric professors are."

"Fascinating." I mumbled and half-considered tossing a shinny object to the far side of the room to see if it would distract him. "So," I said, 'cause he seemed to expect me to continue. "What's the paradox then?"

"Pardon?" Said The Kid.

"Your paradox." I repeated. "If you're going to have a paradox named after you, you kinda need to come up with a paradox first."

"Ohhhh, right, the paradox." Kid Relish consulted his notepad. "Okay, here's what I've got so far." He looked up to make sure I was listening. I was... sorta.
"Here's how it goes." He explained. "The first part is me holding a pipe wrench and then I ask you a question, and how you answer the question is what determines if I bludgeon you with the pipe wrench or not."

He had my attention.

"Okay Kid." I folded up my paper and put my reading glasses away. "So you ask the person a question and how they respond determines whether or not you smack them with the pipe wrench?"

"Exactly!" He replied. "And hopefully I do get to hit them with the pipe wrench, 'cause hitting people with pipe wrenches is really a lot of fun."

"Well don't get ahead of yourself Kid." I noted. "Where's the paradox?"

He didn't even have to think about it. "The paradox is in the question of course."

I have to admit I was intrigued. I'd never known Kid Relish to be so well prepared.
"So, what's the question?" I asked.

"I don't quite know yet." He admitted.

"Well, what have you got so far?"

"So far all I've got is: 'yes or no... do you want me to bludgeon you with this pipe wrench?'"

We both knew it wasn't very good. He kept his gaze down and wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Not much of a paradox is it Kid?"

"No." He sullenly replied.

"You kinda just have to answer 'no' in order to not be smacked with the pipe wrench." I pointed out.

"Yeah," he admitted. "It's kind of a flawed paradox right now."

I patted him on the head and stood to leave.
"Well Kid," I said. "At least you tried. Coming up with paradoxes isn't easy."

"Yeah." He mumbled. "I guess."

I crossed to the door. "Good-night Kid."
I opened the door and was about to take my leave when he suddenly called out for me to wait.

"What do you want Kid?" I asked.

"Answer truthfully, yes or no." He said. "Or else I'm going to bludgeon you with this pipe wrench... will the next word you say be 'no'?"


Why that magnificent bastard, he'd found a paradox after all. When I refused to answer, he came at me with the pipe wrench.

"Hey, friends don't hit each other with pipe wrenches!" I snarled, and met his charge with a flying kick to the face.

He crawled around the living room, wheezing and bleeding on stuff.

"Oh yeah?" He moaned after a bit. "Well friends don't launch flying kicks to each other's faces either."

He had a point there. I sat down on the rug and contemplated that, staring into the fireplace. He took the opportunity to bash me in the kidney with the pipe wrench.

I pissed blood for a month. Kid Relish made me lemon tea every night 'cause he'd read somewhere that it would help sooth the pain.

He's a good friend, that Kid Relish. Except when he isn't.


At 9:03 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

I'm going to be the death of you Latigo Flint. This much I swear.

At 9:32 PM, Blogger tangled said...

I have a button nose and I used to wear glasses. Does that count?

At 10:21 PM, Anonymous ATD said...

Well, that depends, tharunya. Do you have a penchant for big fuzzy sweaters, argyle socks, and holding books in front of your chest /just so/?

Latigo, what if you replied: "Maybe"? Would Kid Relish still have hit you in the kidney? Or would he instead have given you some sort of pee-refining drug that would have inexorably, over a period of months, given you bladder stones?

In fact, I'll ask Kid Relish himself since he's here: Kid Relish, what if Latigo had said "Maybe"? Or what if he had said that he'd have to get back to you on the question in a few days, but kept postponing it? Would you still have hit him in the kidney and made him pee blood? Or would you have found something else to hit?


At 5:25 PM, Blogger Peter said...

I particularally like the option of finding something else to hit with the pipe wrench Latigo, I'm pretty sure you would agree too.

At 6:39 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Wolf sounds the whole time. Yeah, it sounds like it would be fun. But it just wasn't. I guess you have to like the "wolf" enough. Which I didn't.

At 12:51 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Holy Cow. I almost missed a Kid post.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Mr. Latigo, would you say that Kid Relish is a sexy and attractive fellow?

Not that I'm trying to make trouble or anything...I'm sure he wouldn't question your sexuality if you said "yes" nor would he be personally offended if you said "no".

Just wondering due to the paradox he managed to eek out.

At 12:26 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Promises, promises Kid. Let's see some action for once.

Drat Tharunya, my old friend ATD, sneaky bastard that he is, stole my response. Let's pretend he doesn’t exist...
Well, that depends Tharunya--do you have a penchant for big fuzzy sweaters, argyle socks and holding books in front of your chest /just so/?

Hello ATD. I certainly wouldn't recommend trying to initiate any sort of discourse with Kid Relish--here or anywhere. The Kid has an unholy capacity for cruelty. Most people would sooner bathe in liquid fire than converse with Kid Relish.
And that includes the very brave.

Not me Peter. I have never advocated the striking of living things with pipe wrenches. It's The Kid you see? There's something very, very wrong with him.

I already know you like The Wolf Ari. Don't try to play coy.

The Kid is going to outlive us all LBB.

I'm not going to lie sweet Noir Muse... The Kid is indeed sexy, sexy, sexy. And mysterious. Sexy and mysterious--almost beyond compare. These are the facts and they are not disputed.


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