Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Mill Pond Whore (and other old sayings)

There's an old saying that goes: You can teach an old dog a new trick with a hammer and a blowtorch but you can't get him to do it twice.

I really don't know what it means. I'm often confused by old sayings.

The one about the Mill Pond Whore for instance. That one's just baffling. How does it go?
You can't screw the mill pond whore if she knows the ducks are watching.

Wait, that doesn't sound right.

Maybe it's: You can lead the mill pond whore to ducks but you can't make her feed them bread crumbs if she's afraid they're going to bite.

Dern it, that's not it either.

Is it: You can spank the mill pond whore with duck but only after two PM and if you lick her bottom it's extra.

No, no. That doesn't sound right at all. It's not even a saying; it's more like a posted sign or something.

Wait, are there even any sayings about the mill pond whore?

What am I saying--of course there are. Everyone's heard the one that goes:
A wise man counts his pennies after sleeping with the mill pond whore, especially if ducks are around 'cause those little bastards like to eat pennies and then shit 'em where no one can find 'em.

I'm messing this up. Stop judging me. Old sayings are really hard to remember. Old sayings are like a mill pond whore--you can rub them down with linseed oil but they won't dance with you if you smack them with a stewpot.

Okay, I'm not going to try to remember any more old sayings about mill pond whores 'cause I just keep getting them wrong, and frankly it's embarrassing.

I'm serious now. No more mill pond whore sayings for me. For instance, you could walk up to me and say:
"Hey, what's the one about how kissing a mill pond whore feels great until she beats you to death with a duck when your eyes are closed."

And I'd reply: "Nope, nope--don't know what you're talking about. You're making about as much sense as a mill pond whore on payday who spends it all on granola and then pretends she doesn't know why the ducks are chasing her."




(Life is like a mill pond whore--it keeps you warm if you pay enough but laughs when the paddle wheel snags your arm and flings it to the hungry ducks.)

9 Comments:

At 2:54 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

A Mill Pond Whore in the Hand is worth another girl's bush.

Nah, sorry I couldn't help.

 
At 3:00 AM, Blogger tangled said...

Nothing you do can ever be embarrassing, Latigo. You insult yourself by thinking so.

And I just missed first comment :(
I am unappiness personified.
zjrpuqna, stupid word verification.

 
At 6:18 AM, Anonymous ATD said...

Early to bed, early to rise makes a mill pond whore happy, wealthy, and wise to all the ducks crapping on her door which if she doesn't chase them off will seal her door shut for good.

~ATD

 
At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Strange Forces said...

What's good for the whore is good for the gunslinger?

Perhaps "'tis easier for a mill pond whore to pass through the eye of a needle than to wring a goose's damn neck. Those damnable, granola-eating, honking little bastards."

"A whore by nine saves time for drinking?"

"WHORE. huh! What is she good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again."

I think I'll stop now, and try to do some work.

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger Ari said...

An easy score, the mill pond whore, you can row her hard from shore to shore. {Allemand left}

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger tangled said...

unhappiness, unhappiness. stupid typos.

And thank you for your comments, Mister Gunslinger-man. You just made my month.

 
At 6:31 AM, Anonymous ATD said...

Here lies the body of the mill whore, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record in this vicinity!

Farewell and adieu to ye fair mill whores. Farewell and adieu to ye mill whores and ducks! For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston; And so nevermore to see you again.

The thing about a duck, it's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When it comes at you it doesn't seem to be livin'... until he pecks you, and those black eyes roll over white.

ATD

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

But I appreciate the effort nonetheless LBB.

I've killed myself in dreams Tharunya.

ATD: A beautiful stain appeared on the fabric of time when you recast the shark in Quint's speech with the mill pond duck, ensuring a mark for all eternity. Here, that mark says. Here is where ATD recast the shark in Quint's speech with the mill pond duck.

I think, Strange Forces, that 'a whore by nine saves time for drinking' has just become my favorite saying ever.

That's just so damn beautiful Ari. Author, author.

I'm a month-maker Tharunya, everybody says so.

Like I said ATD.

 
At 9:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was _nice_.

 

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