The Mill Pond Whore (and other old sayings)

There's an old saying that goes: You can teach an old dog a new trick with a hammer and a blowtorch but you can't get him to do it twice.

I really don't know what it means. I'm often confused by old sayings.

The one about the Mill Pond Whore for instance. That one's just baffling. How does it go?
You can't screw the mill pond whore if she knows the ducks are watching.

Wait, that doesn't sound right.

Maybe it's: You can lead the mill pond whore to ducks but you can't make her feed them bread crumbs if she's afraid they're going to bite.

Dern it, that's not it either.

Is it: You can spank the mill pond whore with duck but only after two PM and if you lick her bottom it's extra.

No, no. That doesn't sound right at all. It's not even a saying; it's more like a posted sign or something.

Wait, are there even any sayings about the mill pond whore?

What am I saying--of course there are. Everyone's heard the one that goes:
A wise man counts his pennies after sleeping with the mill pond whore, especially if ducks are around 'cause those little bastards like to eat pennies and then shit 'em where no one can find 'em.

I'm messing this up. Stop judging me. Old sayings are really hard to remember. Old sayings are like a mill pond whore--you can rub them down with linseed oil but they won't dance with you if you smack them with a stewpot.

Okay, I'm not going to try to remember any more old sayings about mill pond whores 'cause I just keep getting them wrong, and frankly it's embarrassing.

I'm serious now. No more mill pond whore sayings for me. For instance, you could walk up to me and say:
"Hey, what's the one about how kissing a mill pond whore feels great until she beats you to death with a duck when your eyes are closed."

And I'd reply: "Nope, nope--don't know what you're talking about. You're making about as much sense as a mill pond whore on payday who spends it all on granola and then pretends she doesn't know why the ducks are chasing her."




(Life is like a mill pond whore--it keeps you warm if you pay enough but laughs when the paddle wheel snags your arm and flings it to the hungry ducks.)