Friday, November 17, 2006

Cry War on Wolves

But in their language, so they understand and are afraid.

From the archives - February 14, 2006:

Cry War on Wolves

Today the pretty waitress set my breakfast down, smiled and told me to enjoy. ('Cause that's what pretty waitresses do.) I had planned to thank her and leave it at that, but what we plan and what we do are so very seldom the same.

"You know," I said, as she turned to leave. "For you I'd probably jump off a cliff and cry war on wolves."

And that happened to be a statement she was not expecting to hear. I know this because she blinked twice, opened her mouth but then closed it again, opting instead to blink some more. (Which happens to be a sure sign someone has just heard something for which they were unprepared.)

I acted it out for her using items on the table.
"Okay, see, this pouch of non-dairy creamer is you." I said, placing the pouch of non-dairy creamer in the middle of the table.
"And this saltshaker is me... on top of a cliff--represented by this metal napkin dispenser."

I looked up at her.
"Getting all this so far?"
Her eyes were twice as wide as when she'd arrived, which I figured signified interest.

"Good. Now all these little butter packages are wolves, and they've been stalking you for some time through the dark forest of syrup bottles. See how cleverly they sneak?"
But I must have been too accurate in my portrayal of wolf pack hunting technique, because the pretty waitress started backing away from the table.

"No, no! It's okay, don't be afraid." I urged, grabbing her wrist and pulling her close. "Yes, the wolves are closing in--" I shoved the butter packages toward the pouch of non-dairy creamer. "--with crazed glints of blood-lust in their slitted lupine eyes--but my dear, you've forgotten I'm here."
I rapped the top of the metal napkin dispenser with the base of the saltshaker to remind her.
"And I'm prepared to be inconceivably brave."

I swatted the saltshaker with two tight fingers. It arched off the napkin dispenser and clattered to the table, scattering the butter packages and overturning the tiny pitcher of cream.
"Cries, you know?" I said, gazing up at her intently. "The grains of salt spilling from the holes on top represent my cries of war on these wolves. But!!!"
I raised a trembling fist.
"In their language, you see? I'm crying war on these wolves in their language, so they understand and are afraid."

Then I picked up the saltshaker and started smashing butter packages with it. When I'd killed them all, I turned my wrath on the cougars and snakes, as represented by packets of sugar and straws.

I became aware of screams at some point, then realized they were coming from me. My hand was no longer under my control, and when the cougars were dead, it sought out the jam.

Eventually law enforcement officials arrived on the scene and dropped me with tasers and clubs.

They took hold of my twitching legs and dragged me from the diner. As we passed the pretty waitress I noticed she was weeping; I foolishly thought over me.
"Don't be sad." I whispered up at her, through lips smeared with butter and blood. "I'm Latigo Flint, and I cry war on things that no one else would. Usually wolves, sometimes butter."

She kicked me in the jaw and let the door hit my neck.
"Hey," one cop said. "I thought you were holding that."
"It slipped--rough him up twice for me." She replied. And though it's against policy and rules, they cheerfully obliged.


(I cried war on wolves today and don't quite remember why. I think I loved her but can't be sure. The butter had it coming though--I'll tell you that right now.)

7 Comments:

At 5:00 AM, Blogger tangled said...

Never a doubt in my mind.

 
At 8:01 AM, Anonymous ATD said...

You have a lot in common with that friend of yours -- Raymond Babbit. Both of you are brilliant, brilliant people, so brilliant that the standards of decency and etiquette simply no longer apply, in the same way that the laws of Newtonian physics don't apply to the quantum world. You are... quantum men and for that, I salute you.

@~ATD

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger ATD said...

Oh yes -- speaking of shamelessly promoting one's blog on another person's blog -- I'd like to say that a certain squinty-eyed gunslinger that we all know and love has a cameo appearance in a story of mine

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Oh how I love breakfast diner stories. Love em', love em', love em'.

My favorite part: "I raped the top of the metal napkin dispenser with the base of the saltshaker to remind her."

Crush all those dirty butter packets, Mr. Latigo. Splendid.

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger Ari said...

"I'm Latigo Flint, and I cry war on things that no one else would."

Could you be persuaded to cry war on slugs and Paraguayan devil worms? I mean, you've already got the salt.

Help me, Latigo Flint, you're my only hope! ;)

 
At 5:41 PM, Anonymous Strange Forces said...

Butter and blood. Salt and syrup. Wolves and gunslingers.

This story is a gentle reminder of why I read this blog. Hope, love, and utterly absurd violence. And pancakes. At least, I envision you having pancakes - with sausage. Patty sausage.

(and if we're all shamelessly plugging other works we've done, check out a short film that I may have acted in)

 
At 1:22 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Question everything Tharunya... except Latigo Flint and whether or not he cries war on things--mostly wolves, sometimes butter.

Don't forget ATD, that both of us had fathers who allowed us to drive slow on the driveway.

You and a diner. Somehow I remember Noir Muse, somehow I still see it.

Too many references dear Ari. The responses jammed up in the lungs. All you needed was the Princess Bride in there somewhere to hit for the cycle.

"Hope, love and utterly absurd violence--and pancakes."
That's the line of the year Strange Forces. And I'm a line collector, so I oughta know.

 

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