Thursday, November 09, 2006

In the Third Person

So it turns out that while people certainly find it a bit odd if you continually speak of yourself in the third person, they become positively unnerved if you refer to them in the third person as well... 'cause apparently that's the way psychopaths talk.

Evidence: The other day Latigo Flint was feeling a mite parched and decided to visit his local Starbucks.

"Let's see now." Latigo Flint mused at the drink board when it was his turn to order.
"Okay, Latigo Flint would like the Cute Starbucks Barista to know that he will have a Mocha Chip Frappuccino."

She stared at Latigo Flint warily.

"Did the Cute Starbucks Barista not hear what Latigo Flint said?"

Her eyes traveled the room, mentally cataloging the exits.

"Hey now," Latigo Flint assured. "The Cute Starbucks Barista doesn't have to be afraid of Latigo Flint. Latigo Flint would never hurt the Cute Starbucks Barista. Latigo Flint loves the Cute Starbucks Barista."

It wasn't so much terror on her face as it was just a general, all-around desire to be anyplace other than there.

Latigo Flint leaned over the counter and extended a comforting hand.

"I don't think the Cute Starbucks Barista fully understands," Latigo Flint whispered. "The lengths to which Latigo Flint is prepared to go to see her naked."

Crap. That came out all wrong.

Latigo Flint desperately tried to retract, reassemble and clarify but it was too late, she was screaming by then and you can't stop real screams once they start. Well, you can--there are ways, but they aren't very gentlemanly. Not very gentlemanly at all. And Latigo Flint is nothing if not a gentleman.

I guess some other stuff happened after that. Latigo Flint doesn't really remember. Something to do with a sneak attack, head trauma, incapacitation and liquid fire.

Security footage shows the Assistant Manager and several burly customers quietly removing the metal housing on the cappuccino machine and beating Latigo Flint senseless with it. Followed by them duct taping his arms to his sides, lighting cans of Sterno and pouring them down the front of his shirt.

But security footage can be doctored, what with CGI and whatnot. And I'm pretty sure I'd never wet myself in public. So I don't think that's how it went down at all.

(I don't think you fully understand the lengths I'm prepared to go to see you naked.

That's a good line. I don't care what anyone says--that's a good line right there.)


At 2:24 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Yes sir, that IS one good line. Your whole damn blog is ONE GOOD LINE.

That's why I come here, you know.

You know, I'm thinking just now about that Coyote and Road Runner cartoon. I always rooted for the coyote. I see you as the coyote and the Starbucks broad as the road runner.

I hope you catch her someday, LF.

At 6:17 AM, Anonymous The Macek Collective said...

The Macek Collective thinks Latigo Flint should just try again.

At 6:38 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Holtieshouse agrees with the macek collective about keeping on trying, holtieshouse also agrees with lightning bug's butt that it was a damn good blog and an excellent line.

At 9:29 AM, Anonymous ATD said...

An even better line would be: Baby, not the deepest ocean, nor the widest desert, nor the darkest night, nor the winds of the mightiest storm would deter me from my life's sole purpose of seeing your full, bosomy, blossoming figure in vulnerable deshabille before me.

Replace with third-person pronouns at your leisure.


At 10:10 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I'm very curious about the non-gentlemanly ways to stop a scream.

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Ari thinks that as long as you don't say anything more about slugs, she's still listening.

If you spin any more slug-tales, though, she'll clamp her hands over her ears and/or eyes and shout "lalala I can't hear/read you" a lot.

(Yeah, that is a little crazy-feelin' to do that. Talking to yourself not in 3rd person is certainly NOT NUTS though.)

At 3:27 AM, Blogger talulah trashbag said...

Well what's good enough for Elmo, The Rock and Latigo Flint is good enough for Talulah Trashbag.

Only Talulah is not too keen to know the lengths to which Elmo and The Rock are prepared to go to see her naked. These would probably involve tickling and a "people's elbow." And that's just unpleasant for all involved.

At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Timbo said...

Sounds like that line worked about as well as it did on the nurse, during the whole roller blade episode of ought-five.

At 1:33 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I adore you LBB. That's why I'm glad you come here, you know.
(I fear I never shall.)

Latigo Flint thinks The Macek Collective's words of encouragement have just inspired Latigo Flint to do just that.

In dreams Latigo Flint hugs Peter with a single, muscular forearm and heartily thumps the back with the other arm. The way straight men hug. Latigo Flint and Peter have been digital friends for a very long time.

Latigo Flint's lines can almost never be improved upon ATD. I profoundly admire you for trying.

No you're not Cindy-Lou. You may think you are but I promise you you aren't.

Latigo Flint can't promise Ari that he won't ever tell another story about slugs. Latigo Flint tells the stories that must be told. Sometimes those stories are about slugs.
(Just be glad it wasn't about the Paraguayan Devil Worm.)

Savage irony Talulah Trashbag... that actually happens to be the very lengths I was prepared to go to see you naked. Does this mean you and I can never be?

Timbo, sweet Timbo. You've just become Commenter of the Month. Not only do you reference something from deep in the archives, but you go and drop an 'ought' on it too.
Simply spectacular.


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