Monday, October 30, 2006

Softer Than a Mammary

It's odd, but according to the historian named Google, in the history of the internet only one person has ever sequentially typed the words: "Softer than a mammary." And it just so happens that person is I.

I take no great pride in this achievement--the phrase feels as natural as breathing. I've been using it for years. Frankly I'm shocked I'm the only one.

From the archives - March 2, 2006:

Softer Than a Mammary

They speak to me, the angels behind the Starbucks counter.
"What's your order sir?" They say with a voice that seems as gentle as a kitten's dream and softer than a mammary.

And every morning I tell myself that this morning, for once, I'm going to force myself to smile politely and tell her my drink order like a rational member of a civilized society. And not lunge over the counter, screaming my love in grunts as I try to lick her neck.

And every morning I fail.

There are a number of subtle signals the cute barista at your local Starbucks will give if it turns out she has absolutely zero interest in having her neck licked by a frantically grunting customer. I've had my nose broken by the removable metal housing on the cappuccino machine so many times now that it sounds like an orchestra tuning up every time I go to sneeze.

I've become a wound collector, that's what I've become. Every evening I put on a little cap and that long magnifying eyepiece thingy and appraise my wounds with a professional's critical gaze. Figuratively speaking of course... well except for the little cap and magnifying eyepiece thingy--I do have those. And I do sometimes wear them when I'm appraising my wounds. But other than that it's figurative.

(Chest to chest is passionate but our hearts are on different sides. Let me press upon your back and our ventricles will align.

Cute Starbucks baristas don't ever seem to be in the mood to hear that from a sweating, grunting customer either.)


At 12:58 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Have you considered a low-end coffee shop? The waitresses there may be more susceptible to your entreaties.

I'll bet they'd eat you up at a Waffle House.

At 5:01 AM, Anonymous The Macek Collective said...

Chai is responsible for this and everything else that is wrong in this world.

At 5:18 AM, Blogger tangled said...

Well, now.
You know we all love you, Latigo, but simply reposting old posts that we (okay, I) have already read three times over is just not going to cut it.
So there.

Although, now I think about it, it is definitely an excellent way to introduce the uninitiated to the wonder that is a newwordforfast. Hmmm. You do come up with the best ideas :)

At 6:30 AM, Anonymous ATD said...

That jeweler's eyepiece thingy is called a "loupe".

And this is a good way for me, who has committed the grave sin of not completely reading through your archives, to enjoy a Latigo Flint story without reading through your archives!

Also: Have you ever had Kid Relish act as an intermediary to admit your true love for the cute Starbucks barista? I've heard that titanium speaks louder than words, even the words of the beating heart.


At 2:56 PM, Anonymous Strange Forces said...

I still love that "chest to chest" line. I'm going to a Halloween party at a club tonight, dressed as a samurai; perhaps I'll be able to find someone to use it on.

Anyway, a few weeks ago a friend of mine referred to something that was "as beautiful as a cake made of pie." Maybe your barrista would enjoy that as a compliment. Try it!

At 12:57 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I don't know LBB... Did Blonde and Tuco consider not crossing the bridge to find the gold in the graveyard just because two armies were fighting at the bridge?
(Haven't we had this conversation before?)

Indeed Macek. That's why I only order Frappuccinos.

We can't all be as prolific as you Tharunya. I've sat at this keyboard and screamed against the block so many times now that the neighbors swear I'm a banshee.

I know that ATD, I just decided "eyepiece thingy" was more, um, "everyman".

Well now we're even Strange Forces, 'cause "sweeter than a cake made of pie" is easily the best line I've heard all year.

At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That "cake made of pie" line comes from the Simpsons series 16 episode 20.

At 8:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh helga i need my trumpet played


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