Monday, February 07, 2005

Confession Time

Latigo Flint has something he needs to get off his chest. Latigo Flint knows he'll feel better once he tells his good friends. Please don't judge Latigo Flint too harshly, it takes a lot of courage to admit this:

I would love to kill a dolphin.

There, I said it. I'll say it again. I would love the chance to kill a dolphin, one on one, mano-a-fin. (Maybe with a hatchet.) Not multiple dolphins. Certainly not all dolphins. I'm no monster. Just one dolphin. (Perhaps with a battery powered circular saw.)

I'm feeling much better already. You have no idea how long I've been keeping that bottled up inside. I know having such a feeling borders on perversion, but it's just not fair. We get to kill other animals if we want to, and some of them are smart and social too - why can't I kill a dolphin damnit?! (With a decoy mackerel and a ball pein hammer.)

How about if a dolphin attacks me? Then can I kill it with a bailing wire strangle cord and a steak knife? What if a child falls into the Dolphin Bay attraction at Sea World and I dive in and preemptively kill the dolphins with a pitchfork? In their curiosity, those dolphins might have bumped her to death - I would only be acting the in best interests of the child, right? What if I suspect a dolphin has rabies?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I had to tell someone or I'd have gone mad. I'm feeling much better now.

(With a bathtub drain stopper and some duct tape.)


At 8:10 AM, Blogger Gil The Carnie said...

Hey gunslinger, if yous got the cash I knows an hombre in Tijuana.

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Go for it, Latigo! I know a great taxidermist. So don't damage it too much if you want a beautiful glistening trophy to use as a hood ornament on the tank that will be given to you by the Queen of England when you attain the status of knighthood you so richly deserve. You can even get a car horn for the tank that sounds like a dolphin squawk squeak. It'll be very clever.

So kill it from the inside out with little nanobots. Or use your immense strength to hold shut it's various breathing apertures until it asphyxiates.

At 9:13 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

I'll bet you have a stake in tuna boats that don't use dolphin-safe nets.

You are a heartless bastard, gunslinger. I'm going to call up the McMurty boys to end this menace to dolphin society.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

Fuck dolphins. Fuck whales. fucking swimming mammals. If they were mamarian I would not protest, but they're not. Kill them all.

At 10:53 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

The worst I've ever wanted to do is impregnate a dolphin with my human seed. But I suppose killing her afterward wouldn't be so bad. Who'd want a bastard half-human dolphin swimming around?

I hope you realize your dream someday, Latigo Flint.

At 1:32 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Y'all are sick, sick, sick, sick.

At 1:37 PM, Blogger Bookfraud said...

Someone must have had a bad experience with Flipper growing up.

Listen to the voices. Follow your dream. Die with no regrets.

Good blog.

At 9:57 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thank you gentlemen. You are all so right in your own special ways.


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