Monday, January 17, 2005

Business Ownership, Soooo Nice

There are several third world countries where Latigo Flint might be considered financially well off, but like that's any friggin' consolation. While it's not quite accurate to say Latigo Flint lives in complete poverty, you probably couldn't perjure yourself uttering it either.

Oh sure, Latigo Flint has plenty of marketable skills, but see, he's yet to find a way to legally turn any substantial profit from his deity-like ability with a six-gun and that is just so unfair. With something approaching apathy, Latigo Flint shuffles through the weekdays in an office building bringing home a meager paycheck. Yeah with practically no effort he could secure a promotion or three and probably quadruple his wages by next year - but what's the point? He'd still have to take orders from someone, and you have no idea how much Latigo Flint hates that.

Nope, unless a worm hole to the year 1855 can be found, business ownership is the way it's got to be.

Last year saw the abject failure of ten of what Latigo Flint thought were perfectly good business ideas. They are listed below as a cautionary public service announcement.

FAILURE #1
Spider Repellant.
Hell even if it didn't work at all, the placebo effect would be worth every penny. Maybe I didn't market it correctly, but then what else do you need to say? It's spider repellant for Christsake! It repels spiders - nasty, horrible, hairy spiders that might otherwise crawl all over your sleeping face and bite your eyeball when you stir.

FAILURE #2
Fern of the Month Club.
Members receive one fern, including pot and topsoil every month. Never the same genus twice. Makes a great gift for Dad.
Total number of membership sign-ups: Negative 42. (Don't ask.)

FAILURE #3
Puncture Wound Insurance.

FAILURE #4
The Sponsor a Baby Otter Program.
"Just 12 cents a day is all it takes to feed and shelter one of these adorable baby otters. Every baby otter sponsored is one less baby otter that'll get razor blade-whipped by angry French Canadians. Won't you help?"
(Then I cut to footage of Kid Relish in a plaid shirt whipping a baby otter with razor blades, which in retrospect probably wasn't a great idea - I'm still paying off what amounted to over five hundred thousand dollars in fines.)

FAILURE #5
Reversible shopping bags - paper on one side, plastic on the other. Latigo Flint thought it would save the grocery stores a fortune, and make his. Apparently not. (Plus three bag boys died during the testing phase.)

FAILURE #6
A scrub activated musical loofah.

FAILURE #7
Latigo Flint's Field Guide to Edible Spoors.
One teensy weensy little caption error ruined everything. (The beyond deadly Gyromitra virosa was captioned: "This yummy little woodland spoor makes a fun snack for the whole family cooked or raw.") Hey dern it, just tear out that one page - the rest of the book is completely accurate.

FAILURE #8
Lead fishing sinkers shaped... like little fish. COME ON!!! These will bring you good luck. Anglers are silly for things that bring good luck... aren't they?

FAILURE #9
Fly By Night - A Fragrance for Men. (Specifically men who wish to smell like the post-solo towel of rock drumming legend, Neil Peart.)

FAILURE #10
Terrorist repellent.
Hell even if it didn't work at all, the placebo effect would be worth every penny. Maybe I didn't market it correctly, but then what else do you need to say? It's terrorist repellant for Christsake! It repels terrorists - nasty, horrible, hairy terrorists that might otherwise crawl all over your sleeping face and bite your eyeball when you stir.

Sadly these ideas all proved failures. Don't try them if you wish to become the owner of your own successful business. (May be practical for tax write-off purposes.)

5 Comments:

At 9:26 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

If you had video taped the bag boy deaths you could have rolled that footage into the next "Faces of Death" volume and made a fortune, hoss.

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger Myster said...

I would consider paying 12 cents a day to razor blade-whip angry French Canadians.

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Hey I think that I bought one of those loofahs. The problem was that it only played:

Party All The Time - by Eddie Murphy

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Ron Popeil don't got shit on you, Latigo. Some of those ideas would sell with the right marketing.

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Do you really think so LBB? I wonder what Emilio Estevez is up to these days and if he's ready to do infomercials. (Don't know about the rest of you but I'd sure buy anything Emilio was selling.)

 

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